It's Just a Word. You Fucktard.

I think I have offended as many people as possible. Every known group, every race, occupation, religion, socio-economic level, etc. has been on my list at some point. It's not because I am not open-minded (because I'm not), but it's because at some level I think we all need to grow a thicker skin. The 21st century is not a kinder, gentler era no matter what Big Dog tells ya.

So I see this word I haven't seen since about the 6th grade- "fucktard." It summoned up the still fresh wounds from being a late bloomer (I didn't get to a C cup until I was 28) and the nasty game of "I Know You Are, But What Am I" we all used to play. We were bastards even as kids. And we haven't gotten any nicer.

As an attorney I get lots of well...fucktards... coming up to me saying "there ought to be a law." They want a law to diminish the risk of them feeling slighted ever again. Some one cut them off in traffic. Someone shot them the bird. Someone made a hushed nasty comment about the fact they were too fat to walk through the Wal-Mart to buy the jumbo-sized box of mac and cheese and they heard it. Someone made a movie about the crucifixion. Someone called the President a coward. Big deal. We have enough laws already. What we need is a bit of personal responsibility for our feelings.

I like words. Big words. Small words. Nasty words especially. Shout motherfucker in a bar and you get an immediate response. A hush will fall over the bar as heads will turn to see who said it and who they're about to hit. Call someone a dirty Jew and you will see the wide-eyed stares of people in complete disbelief secretly agreeing with you.

Nasty words are the ones we let slip when we hurt ourselves. Nasty words are the ones we will revert to when really angered. They are as base as we try to fool ourselves we are not. We are animals and no amount of Miss Imogene's School of Southern Charm will ever wipe out that instinct. Nasty words are also funny. Fucktard for instance makes me go bwa-ha-ha. I like it's double punch- you're a fuck and a retard. Both are such nasty words. Together a funny, nasty word.

My list of vulgar words I use often and find funny is pretty varied. I have been heard to announce that a fellow female is a cunt, a snatch, a pussy, a cooze, a slit. If it's a man- he's a fag, queer, man-pussy (I actually followed a guy around in a bar that had scammed our pool table announcing he was a man-pussy loudly. He waited out in the parking lot after close because I needed to be taught a lesson.), rump-humper, fag master, fudge-packer, ass-licker, etc.. I do so not because I am really questioning a person's hygiene or sexuality but rather because I know that that person has most likely given those words power. When they react, get uncomfortable or protest my accusation- they have, in effect, given me the power to hurt them. A power I will, of course, abuse when the mood strikes.

So when someone yells dyke, slit licker, lesbo, rug muncher, faggot, queer bait, pole smoker, moon cricket, tar baby, negra, nigger, Alabama porch monkey, kike, towel-head, doodle bug, wet-back, beaner, honkey, whitey, cracker, nip, chinc, slope, retard, liberal, pot smoking hippie, conservative, motherfucker-titty sucker-two ball bitch, etc. etc.- get over it. You have better things to do than waste your time being hurt by freaks like me.

Bush "Believes" in the Culture of Life

I am sitting here sniggering at the White House spokesman’s latest attempt to portray that spoiled motherfucker as having a sentient let alone empathetic bone in his little body. Learning how to pronounce two monosyllabic words and repeat them incessantly is not proof of valuing life. In fact, his record speaks volumes about the lives he "values:"

We know it's not the lives of the poor. He tends to cut their education, family planning, community outreach and subsidized housing programs. But wait, let's not stop there- he also takes away their votes through massive voting register purges and incarcerates them at a faster rate than any other president.

We know it's not the lives of women. He has done more to undercut the progressive gender relations atmosphere that once existed in Iraq. By invading a nation that at one time had the best educated, freest from religiously-based gender discrimination generation of women in the Arab world; he allowed religious fanaticism to enter a golden age in Iraq. He was warned repeatedly by human rights groups this could happen but alas, he didn't care. Thus, showing how misogynistic he really is. Further, by using the abortion debate in our country as a means to garner the votes of the busybody whackos I have already discussed, he has vilified entire legions of women who have had the unfortunate necessity to have an abortion. His rhetoric has signaled new attacks on abortion doctors and clinics, a decrease in funding for Planned Parenthood (odd because his father worked hard to increase their funding while in Congress) and new anti-choice marches as recent as this week. His Howdy Doody rhetoric about family values has resulted in an increase in violence against women such as rape and domestic abuse. They announce very loudly that murders and robbery have decreased last year, but conveniently leave out that it's open season on women. Wonderful.

We know it's not the lives of anyone who serves in our Armed Services. Three letters, anyone? You know WMD???? The one's that aren't there, weren't there and have cost us the lives of 1430 American soldiers since we invaded Iraq. Over 10,000 will have a lessened quality of lives due to their physical wounds and just how many are still committing suicide and/or exhibiting symptoms of PTSD? It's now so bad that our own soldiers are suing to get out of the service because the "stop-loss" program is keeping them in after their projected termination dates, but folks you won't see that reported here. You have to read an actual newspaper from the UK. Jeez.

And it's not the people of the South or his "home state" of Texas that voted for his sorry ass. Those states make up the bulk of the casualties both in Iraq and in the job market under his watch. I guess when there are no jobs available, and the education system sucks and you have no other hope of putting food on the table- signing up to be an Army of One doesn't seem so bad. Not at least until you're ducking bullets and mortars or killing an innocent person who just didn't understand the word "Stop!" because of a language barrier.

King George could care less about the 100,000+ Iraqi casualties in this conflict (it's still not a declared war the last time I checked). The countless number of enemy combatants locked away all over the world without an inkling of hope for due process. He could care less about the tsunami victims until the French and Germans made us look like a bunch of cheap bastards. (Eight freakin' million dollars??? That was the initial pledge.) He could care less about the children working in dangerous factories in Asia to make a cheaper pair of Nikes. And he could care less about our elderly who have toiled for 50+ years in an effort to retire only to find that they got fucked on the prescription drug bill, their property taxes, and now social security is next on the chopping block. He hates elderly women most because there's even talk about cutting their benefits more than men's just because they have the audacity to live longer.

George cares about keeping his head buried in the sand until it's time for the powers that be to trot him out for another photog. By his own admission he doesn't read the papers and only gets the "news" from his staff. It's easy not to care when you spend too much time and energy closing your eyes. Prisons and homeless shelters are filling up but he'll never see them unless it's to say he is "tough on crime" or a "compassionate conservative" in front of Bill O'Reilly and the Fox propaganda machine.

W is the face of the Republican Party and it's beginning to look like the Picture of Dorian Gray.

They Are Repuglicans, Aren't They?

I was pretty non-plussed last week when the all-knowing, all-powerful Rev. Dobson announced to a room of inaugural attendees that Spongebob Squarepants is a big fag. Boo hoo. I weep for the loss of Spongebob's never to exist kids (or are they called Spongettes?). Really, boo-fucking hoo.

Since when did the leader of Focus on the Family get gaydar? Maybe it was at the same time Tinky Winky was being outed by Pat Robertson for having too many accessories. Gimme a break. Are the religious right's leaders sitting around watching children's television furiously beating off? Or are they just merely sporting chubbies? Either way there is a certain ick factor to the whole thing. Somehow they are thinking about sex while watching a show geared toward the viewer with an average age of four. I can arrive at only the following conclusions- they are either getting excited by the kids (which isn't just a Catholic thing anymore) or they are seriously queer-eyeing the male cartoons. Like I said either way- ewwwwwww!

I'm not grossed out by PeeWee unzipping his playhouse in public. Big deal. Lots of people beat off in porno theaters (What?? Would you rather have them inline behind you at the Quikee Mart sporting a boner as they purchase a gallon of milk on the way home from the theater? Not me.). As long as it's kept semi-private, who cares? I am more grossed out that the Republicans are publicly outing and sexualizing our kids' programming. Since when did an asexual yellow sponge become fodder for their dirty minds?

Most people I know do not fixate on the sex lives, sex drives or sex partners of others. That is- unless they're Republicans. I think it's on their membership cards. Like Rotary has its Four Way Test, Republicans have something along the lines of the following:

1. Thou shalt check out another man's ass (just in case he shakes it a bit too much).
2. Thou shall check out another man's accessories (just in case he matches too well).
3. Thou shall check out the kiddy shows (just in case someone is trying to teach tolerance).
4. Thou shall check out the local strip clubs (just in case their boobies are showing).
5. Thou shall check out the wife swap (just in case Bill Clinton is there).

I have yet to see a Democrat do any of the above. We don't check on anyone else's behavior or bash their taste in clothes. It is not our business until it intersects with our lives. You describe us as tree-hugging hippies but that means we're outside with our kids instead of babysitting them with the TV. You describe us as pansy-ass intellectuals but that means we are reading books instead of hanging at the titty bars. You describe us as anti-capitalist environmentalists but that means we aren't hanging at the mall, we're planting trees in our hempware. You describe us as godless heathens but we're the ones following Jesus' example and working in our communities..

The plain truth of the matter is that Republicans (and their leaders) are busybodies. They are nosy, they are so afraid of introspection that they spend all of their time attributing to others that which is true of them. That they are repugnant. That they are shallow, and that worst of all they have no value and add no value to their community.

Each time one of those assholes starts sullying the reputations of good, wholesome, polite cartoon characters for their own political or economic gain, they hurt our kids. The very same kids they claim to be protecting with their falsely created moral outrage. There are kids who now do not want to be associated with Spongebob because they may get teased by the future Republicans in their class as queer or lesbian. Thattaway Reverend! Make a little kid cry. I bet their tears taste like candy. Mmmm. That's also a helluva a way to continue breeding fear and homophobia in our society. It's the right's new way of shouting "n----- lover" at an anti-Klan rally in 1960's Selma, Alabama.

For a group of people which professes to have the monopoly on moral values, they sure could learn a thing or two from a sponge.

Girls. They Wanna Have Fun

What is there about a group of genetically superior [read: Female here] people getting together over drinks after the age of 30? We want to have fun. Desperately crave it, but invariably one of us has to check on the kids, make sure our husband hasn't fallen in the toilet and/or make certain that the big-boned pigdog has been properly poopified. It's the ever looming specter of responsibility that hangs over our ovaries. It’s the “breaking the seal” that we hope never happens. We are constantly caretaking even when we don't want to.

We should have known it was coming. Back in the day, we took care of each other. We made sure that each other's hair stayed out of the vomit-filled toilet, no one walked a tab, no one drove “too” drunk, and asshole ex’s were always vilified. Now, we take care of families and clients and errant pets in collusion with the local upholsterer.

I long for the days of being able to go on a 3 day beer run to neighboring states with full-penetration porn, tattoo parlors and 6 point domestic longnecks. I am forlorn at the prospect of never getting to wake up somewhere I am not supposed to be (or recognize) again. It used to be that when one of us had a far away look in our eyes, we were silently reliving the night before or were just enjoying a good buzz. Now, it’s worrying if there’s time to get through all of the laundry and clean out the garden before Spring.

We no longer tell each other the things that really haunt us. The loss of youth, the dreams that will never happen, lovers we’ll never have, motions that may be denied, clients who may never pay and the horrifying concept that in some ways- actually in many ways we have failed.

But mostly, I wish I just had the time to hang with my buds with no need to think about the silent alarm bells going off in each other’s heads as we politely catch up on each other’s less scintillating love lives and fewer and far less reaching dreams.
I wish I didn’t know what was really behind their far-away looks now.

Fucking Fuckers and Other Annoying Twats

I wish I had the god-like ability to reach inside my TV and strangle the fuckers who are supposed to be journalists today. It's like everyone suddenly was Stepford-ized and George Bush is their everlovin' sweetie-pie. WTF??

Shrub and his cronies are spending $200M on this BS waste of an Inauguration. $66M of that is just so federal DC area employees can have a day off. The rest is being spent on fancy food, wine, security, PA systems and hormone shots for Bill Frist (it's a girl, Baby!). When we have a tsunami disaster, under funding of schools and a myriad of fucked situations facing our country, the Chimp-In-Chief thinks it's wise to dump a bunch of money for a party honoring his coronation. And not one damn journalist is calling him on it.

Instead, we get a step-by-step of: "President Bush will take exactly 29 steps to get to the toilet. After the President relieves himself, Condi Rice will shake twice and place him back in his Brooks Brothers blue boxers. Thereafter, Karl Rove will zip him with his teeth. Karl has trimmed his nose hairs extra close today so that he does not get stuck in the zipper. That was almost a catastrophe last time that happened. They had to send in the National Guard." Blah, blah, fucking blah.

I was raised with the notion that the press was supposed to serve a watchdog function in our society. Instead, we're seeing guys like Armstrong getting a cool quarter mil to reverse course and support No Child Left Behind. Armstrong has given his BS apologies (hint: motherfucker you cannot apologize for wasting our trust so you can buy a new Mercedes S-class) and states there are others on the Nazi... errr, I mean Bush payroll.

So instead of outing the assholes that abuse our trust and waste our time, they report on the latest styles the Bush twins will wear to all of the balls. They tell us it is exactly 29 degrees, overcast and that Sen. Harkin is wearing a fedora. They don't show us the protests or tell us why the protests cannot be held in DC, they don't even tell us that the Homeland Security monies meant to protect us are protecting some asshole from Merck.

We are in trouble. Deep trouble.

This Anti-Christian's Agenda

Okay. I think I am part of the "out" crowd that gets about 20-35 e-mails from well-meaning friends and family trying to get me to come to the "defense" of Christianity. Jeez- didn't you know- it's under attack. The Satanists and lesbians have joined forces and God's getting a bad mullet for Kwanzaa. Quick. Send money.

I have one response- what kind of doobage are they smoking?

Is there an anti-Christian club that I wasn't invited to or am I just missing from the list of all of the idiots that send Benny Hinn money to protect a certain faith belonging to 88% of the masses? Come on. Are all of my relatives and friends this stoo--pid?

I have news for you folks. There is no "anti-Christian agenda" to speak of. There is, however, a decreasingly vocal group of civil libertarians and intelligent folks out here who, frankly, could not care less about your Jesus bent, but do care about protecting the division between church and state. There is also an increasingly large number of televangelists and strip mall churches needing your dollars to protect the Almighty from.... Shit, I don't know what, but it's important enough to clog the Internet with dumb Hallmark stories and please protect the Pledge from infidels garbage.

I say this to you- STOP BEING A TOOL! and I do not mean tool in a nice sense. Start thinking for yourselves and review those materials from your high school government class you were supposed to have learned except you were too busy trying to look down Bobbi (BTW- that's dotted with heart) Jo McCoy's tube top. Namely, I direct you to Jefferson and Madison. And I direct you to read it from their perspective- not your Falwell-esque version of God.

I'm pissed. You buttheads waste 10-15 minutes of my time each day with your trite and baseless call to arms. You are unable to Snopes the e-mail and further, you are ridiculous in your Chicken Little version of modern day Crusades.

Are there marches to stop you from praying? Is there legislation sponsoring a Department of Justice ad campaign touting "Say No to Jesus" or "This Is Your Brain on Jesus?" Hell no there is not. I do not know anyone who is offended by your pre-buffet prayers at Golden Corral or your attendance at gaudy Easter pageants. I do not have any knowledge of secret meetings designed to unseat your God at the head of your last supper. Nor am I looking for one (but if you keep it up…) Actually, I think I am fairly representative of non-Christians when I say "Oh, that's nice." To me it's not my business and I am not mortally offended or anything. It's a non-issue. At least it is until you start getting manipulated for Bush and clogging my Inbox with crap.

If there is a war against Christianity in this country it's an internal war. If you guys didn't split your churches as often as Paris Hilton changes sperm donors, then you wouldn't be feeling the financial heat as you do from your own churches. This "war” is nothing more than an attempt to solidify the base of your particular churches and raise money for more “fab--u-lous" doggy houses.

Take the Baptist church for instance. How many splits have there been in the last 50 years? Shit, how many new Baptist churches are there in your area? Then how about "non-denominational" Protestant churches? I can tell you they are growing rapidly. Why? I'm not sure, but usually the rumors I hear are things like "Well, I liked Rev. Joe better than Rev. Bob. You must know there is something wrong with Rev. Bob- his wife’s three bean salad is not very good." Or whatever. It generally boils down to either a cult of personality or not wanting to follow all of the rules of that Church. In response, you "create-your-own-church." That's brilliant. You change the rules and then say it's the non-Christians. That's a helluva fundraising ploy. I think it's kind of like those people in Delhi who cut their kids arms off and make them beg in the streets so they can make more money. Classy. Real classy.

Tell you what. Leave me the hell out of it. And while you're at it, do the following:

1. Read about Martin Luther, Reformation and the Protestant split from the Catholic church. He was a real prick.
2. Research the definition of god and government at the time this country was founded. [Yes, this means Robertson, Falwell and Swaggart are OFF LIMITS]
3. Read Jefferson and Madison's letters to each other as they draft the First Amendment (Here’s a hint: The Republic of Letters)
4. Watch the E! True Story of Tammy Faye Baker. Trust me- that's some sick shit.
5. Research Bush's Brain. Not the one pickled by all of the whiskey. I mean the one who looks like a Nazi- Karl Rove.
6. Then start looking for similarities between the Nazis' use of "God" and Bush's.

When you're done. Tell me if you don't feel like a tool. If you don't, and you still send me those blathering e-mails, then we'll start talking about the origin of Christianity.

Howard Dean- Bringing Conviction and Voice to the DNC

So, there is this nasty rumor that major Dems don't want Dean as the chair of the DNC. I ask this- "why the hell not?" If it hadn't been for his crisscrossing the nation and shouting tripe when tripe was served, we'd be goose-stepping across the town square about now.

I saw him speak in October 2003 at the local college. He was amazing- he spoke with eloquence (not erudite eloquence mind you but a Populist eloquence), conviction and a very loud voice. That voice had to be pretty loud at the time because of so many people confusing patriotism with backing the Misleader of this nation. Howard Dean got it right- patriotism is speaking up when things are not going right. Patriotism is shouting fire as the Bushies set fire to the Bill of Rights. Patriotism is not goose-stepping across the town square.

I like Howard Dean. He got a great many of us Dems out of the closet and talking openly about the rush to war in Iraq, the Patriot Act, and the broken health care and education systems. He spoke about hope, about personal responsibility- things in which he truly believes. So he is short, balding and occasionally lets slip a really odd yell. Big deal. Up until that time, he was the odds on favorite to win the nomination and face Bush.

What happened? Well it wasn't the yell (that happened after Kerry beat him in the first primary where Dean placed 3rd). It wasn't a lack of message. His message was and still is the best. It wasn't a lack of vision. He certainly had more of it than Clark, Kerry, Sharpton (ever the opportunist), Edwards, etc.. And it wasn't money- he alone revolutionized the Internet campaign contributions racket. I think I know the answer- Democrats right now are the pussies who agree to moon the audience at graduation, but instead leave you alone with your pants down.

Terry McAuliffe has been a miserable failure. Hillary stands a less than zero chance because Midwesterners, Southerners, men AND women, well I'll just admit it- just about everyone hates her for being smart and having the nerve to speak up against the Repugs. There is no one else worth a damn that has invigorated the party like Dean. He's not a "liberal" but nor is a "conservative." He is a middle of the road patriot who is tired of seeing his country go down the shitter. Good for him. He's a lot like me.

I want the DNC to get smart and pick someone like me. Someone like most Democrats I know before they lose their nerve and keep their pants on. I think the DNC's present management likes people who keep their pants on because it means they can continue to fatten up. That's why the RNC kept losing to the Dems in the late 80's and 90's. Their management sucked. They wanted to remain on the sugar tit as my husband calls it. When they finally brought in some people with conviction (or convictions it depends on how you look at their criminal records)- it translated to the voters.

Dean can bring that to the party. Unless as I suspect it is just a party full of pussies.

Kid Rock "Too Good" for Bush Inaugural Concert?

Kid Rock, the "white trash rapper" was bumped from the Bush Inauguration Concert. Seems Kid was an ardent supporter of Bush during the election. His money was good enough, his low key fundraising appearances on Bush's behalf were good enough, but now his big pimpin', booty smackin', blow job talkin' self isn't good enough for the Inauguration? WTF? Taken together with all of the recent data on Bush voters being more likely to cheat, beat each other, drop out of school, be on welfare, divorce, get an STD, get pregnant w/o being married and do drugs- it seems that the "family values" party has got it all wrong. Kid SHOULD play the Inauguration- he's perfect to entertain the mindless twats who make up that party. Especially when that concert is hosted by the Bush twins. I'm sure they would get "special" backstage passes.

Come on, guys- that's a slap in the face to the Kid. He supports you, gets you money and votes and now he can't play a lousy f-ing show and hang with the boozing, bosum Bush babies just because his celebrity persona is one of a misogynistic, wife-beater wearing clown who most likely won't cut his greasy hair just to attend this wanker of a concert? Plus, I'm sure Mommy Bush is still pissed about the lyrics from an old song of his, but the man does play for the USO. But shit..... so does that "put a boot in your ass" ogre, Tobey Keith.

Maybe this is just more of a sign that the Bushies are hypocrits, liars, cheats, and users. How the hell could a bunch of overly-protected pansy asses ever identify with a self-made man? They'll use him, but put him out in public at the DC funded event? Heavens no. What would the Christian right think? Besides, they'll only let fodder for pedophilic wetdreams play at this concert- Hillary Duff and JoJo. With the pharmaceutical reps letting the Viagra flow like Christal at a P.Diddy party, and the teenage poontang this may be a night to remember for some of those gray-headed dildoes. Oooo la la.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a Kid fan, but I love seeing the ravages of hypocrisy. Family values my ass. It's all about the money and the poontang. I'm sure Kid could appreciate that.