January 24, 2005

They Are Repuglicans, Aren't They?

I was pretty non-plussed last week when the all-knowing, all-powerful Rev. Dobson announced to a room of inaugural attendees that Spongebob Squarepants is a big fag. Boo hoo. I weep for the loss of Spongebob's never to exist kids (or are they called Spongettes?). Really, boo-fucking hoo.

Since when did the leader of Focus on the Family get gaydar? Maybe it was at the same time Tinky Winky was being outed by Pat Robertson for having too many accessories. Gimme a break. Are the religious right's leaders sitting around watching children's television furiously beating off? Or are they just merely sporting chubbies? Either way there is a certain ick factor to the whole thing. Somehow they are thinking about sex while watching a show geared toward the viewer with an average age of four. I can arrive at only the following conclusions- they are either getting excited by the kids (which isn't just a Catholic thing anymore) or they are seriously queer-eyeing the male cartoons. Like I said either way- ewwwwwww!

I'm not grossed out by PeeWee unzipping his playhouse in public. Big deal. Lots of people beat off in porno theaters (What?? Would you rather have them inline behind you at the Quikee Mart sporting a boner as they purchase a gallon of milk on the way home from the theater? Not me.). As long as it's kept semi-private, who cares? I am more grossed out that the Republicans are publicly outing and sexualizing our kids' programming. Since when did an asexual yellow sponge become fodder for their dirty minds?

Most people I know do not fixate on the sex lives, sex drives or sex partners of others. That is- unless they're Republicans. I think it's on their membership cards. Like Rotary has its Four Way Test, Republicans have something along the lines of the following:

1. Thou shalt check out another man's ass (just in case he shakes it a bit too much).
2. Thou shall check out another man's accessories (just in case he matches too well).
3. Thou shall check out the kiddy shows (just in case someone is trying to teach tolerance).
4. Thou shall check out the local strip clubs (just in case their boobies are showing).
5. Thou shall check out the wife swap (just in case Bill Clinton is there).

I have yet to see a Democrat do any of the above. We don't check on anyone else's behavior or bash their taste in clothes. It is not our business until it intersects with our lives. You describe us as tree-hugging hippies but that means we're outside with our kids instead of babysitting them with the TV. You describe us as pansy-ass intellectuals but that means we are reading books instead of hanging at the titty bars. You describe us as anti-capitalist environmentalists but that means we aren't hanging at the mall, we're planting trees in our hempware. You describe us as godless heathens but we're the ones following Jesus' example and working in our communities..

The plain truth of the matter is that Republicans (and their leaders) are busybodies. They are nosy, they are so afraid of introspection that they spend all of their time attributing to others that which is true of them. That they are repugnant. That they are shallow, and that worst of all they have no value and add no value to their community.

Each time one of those assholes starts sullying the reputations of good, wholesome, polite cartoon characters for their own political or economic gain, they hurt our kids. The very same kids they claim to be protecting with their falsely created moral outrage. There are kids who now do not want to be associated with Spongebob because they may get teased by the future Republicans in their class as queer or lesbian. Thattaway Reverend! Make a little kid cry. I bet their tears taste like candy. Mmmm. That's also a helluva a way to continue breeding fear and homophobia in our society. It's the right's new way of shouting "n----- lover" at an anti-Klan rally in 1960's Selma, Alabama.

For a group of people which professes to have the monopoly on moral values, they sure could learn a thing or two from a sponge.


Post a Comment

<< Home