This Anti-Christian's Agenda

Okay. I think I am part of the "out" crowd that gets about 20-35 e-mails from well-meaning friends and family trying to get me to come to the "defense" of Christianity. Jeez- didn't you know- it's under attack. The Satanists and lesbians have joined forces and God's getting a bad mullet for Kwanzaa. Quick. Send money.

I have one response- what kind of doobage are they smoking?

Is there an anti-Christian club that I wasn't invited to or am I just missing from the list of all of the idiots that send Benny Hinn money to protect a certain faith belonging to 88% of the masses? Come on. Are all of my relatives and friends this stoo--pid?

I have news for you folks. There is no "anti-Christian agenda" to speak of. There is, however, a decreasingly vocal group of civil libertarians and intelligent folks out here who, frankly, could not care less about your Jesus bent, but do care about protecting the division between church and state. There is also an increasingly large number of televangelists and strip mall churches needing your dollars to protect the Almighty from.... Shit, I don't know what, but it's important enough to clog the Internet with dumb Hallmark stories and please protect the Pledge from infidels garbage.

I say this to you- STOP BEING A TOOL! and I do not mean tool in a nice sense. Start thinking for yourselves and review those materials from your high school government class you were supposed to have learned except you were too busy trying to look down Bobbi (BTW- that's dotted with heart) Jo McCoy's tube top. Namely, I direct you to Jefferson and Madison. And I direct you to read it from their perspective- not your Falwell-esque version of God.

I'm pissed. You buttheads waste 10-15 minutes of my time each day with your trite and baseless call to arms. You are unable to Snopes the e-mail and further, you are ridiculous in your Chicken Little version of modern day Crusades.

Are there marches to stop you from praying? Is there legislation sponsoring a Department of Justice ad campaign touting "Say No to Jesus" or "This Is Your Brain on Jesus?" Hell no there is not. I do not know anyone who is offended by your pre-buffet prayers at Golden Corral or your attendance at gaudy Easter pageants. I do not have any knowledge of secret meetings designed to unseat your God at the head of your last supper. Nor am I looking for one (but if you keep it up…) Actually, I think I am fairly representative of non-Christians when I say "Oh, that's nice." To me it's not my business and I am not mortally offended or anything. It's a non-issue. At least it is until you start getting manipulated for Bush and clogging my Inbox with crap.

If there is a war against Christianity in this country it's an internal war. If you guys didn't split your churches as often as Paris Hilton changes sperm donors, then you wouldn't be feeling the financial heat as you do from your own churches. This "war” is nothing more than an attempt to solidify the base of your particular churches and raise money for more “fab--u-lous" doggy houses.

Take the Baptist church for instance. How many splits have there been in the last 50 years? Shit, how many new Baptist churches are there in your area? Then how about "non-denominational" Protestant churches? I can tell you they are growing rapidly. Why? I'm not sure, but usually the rumors I hear are things like "Well, I liked Rev. Joe better than Rev. Bob. You must know there is something wrong with Rev. Bob- his wife’s three bean salad is not very good." Or whatever. It generally boils down to either a cult of personality or not wanting to follow all of the rules of that Church. In response, you "create-your-own-church." That's brilliant. You change the rules and then say it's the non-Christians. That's a helluva fundraising ploy. I think it's kind of like those people in Delhi who cut their kids arms off and make them beg in the streets so they can make more money. Classy. Real classy.

Tell you what. Leave me the hell out of it. And while you're at it, do the following:

1. Read about Martin Luther, Reformation and the Protestant split from the Catholic church. He was a real prick.
2. Research the definition of god and government at the time this country was founded. [Yes, this means Robertson, Falwell and Swaggart are OFF LIMITS]
3. Read Jefferson and Madison's letters to each other as they draft the First Amendment (Here’s a hint: The Republic of Letters)
4. Watch the E! True Story of Tammy Faye Baker. Trust me- that's some sick shit.
5. Research Bush's Brain. Not the one pickled by all of the whiskey. I mean the one who looks like a Nazi- Karl Rove.
6. Then start looking for similarities between the Nazis' use of "God" and Bush's.

When you're done. Tell me if you don't feel like a tool. If you don't, and you still send me those blathering e-mails, then we'll start talking about the origin of Christianity.