January 26, 2005

It's Just a Word. You Fucktard.

I think I have offended as many people as possible. Every known group, every race, occupation, religion, socio-economic level, etc. has been on my list at some point. It's not because I am not open-minded (because I'm not), but it's because at some level I think we all need to grow a thicker skin. The 21st century is not a kinder, gentler era no matter what Big Dog tells ya.

So I see this word I haven't seen since about the 6th grade- "fucktard." It summoned up the still fresh wounds from being a late bloomer (I didn't get to a C cup until I was 28) and the nasty game of "I Know You Are, But What Am I" we all used to play. We were bastards even as kids. And we haven't gotten any nicer.

As an attorney I get lots of well...fucktards... coming up to me saying "there ought to be a law." They want a law to diminish the risk of them feeling slighted ever again. Some one cut them off in traffic. Someone shot them the bird. Someone made a hushed nasty comment about the fact they were too fat to walk through the Wal-Mart to buy the jumbo-sized box of mac and cheese and they heard it. Someone made a movie about the crucifixion. Someone called the President a coward. Big deal. We have enough laws already. What we need is a bit of personal responsibility for our feelings.

I like words. Big words. Small words. Nasty words especially. Shout motherfucker in a bar and you get an immediate response. A hush will fall over the bar as heads will turn to see who said it and who they're about to hit. Call someone a dirty Jew and you will see the wide-eyed stares of people in complete disbelief secretly agreeing with you.

Nasty words are the ones we let slip when we hurt ourselves. Nasty words are the ones we will revert to when really angered. They are as base as we try to fool ourselves we are not. We are animals and no amount of Miss Imogene's School of Southern Charm will ever wipe out that instinct. Nasty words are also funny. Fucktard for instance makes me go bwa-ha-ha. I like it's double punch- you're a fuck and a retard. Both are such nasty words. Together a funny, nasty word.

My list of vulgar words I use often and find funny is pretty varied. I have been heard to announce that a fellow female is a cunt, a snatch, a pussy, a cooze, a slit. If it's a man- he's a fag, queer, man-pussy (I actually followed a guy around in a bar that had scammed our pool table announcing he was a man-pussy loudly. He waited out in the parking lot after close because I needed to be taught a lesson.), rump-humper, fag master, fudge-packer, ass-licker, etc.. I do so not because I am really questioning a person's hygiene or sexuality but rather because I know that that person has most likely given those words power. When they react, get uncomfortable or protest my accusation- they have, in effect, given me the power to hurt them. A power I will, of course, abuse when the mood strikes.

So when someone yells dyke, slit licker, lesbo, rug muncher, faggot, queer bait, pole smoker, moon cricket, tar baby, negra, nigger, Alabama porch monkey, kike, towel-head, doodle bug, wet-back, beaner, honkey, whitey, cracker, nip, chinc, slope, retard, liberal, pot smoking hippie, conservative, motherfucker-titty sucker-two ball bitch, etc. etc.- get over it. You have better things to do than waste your time being hurt by freaks like me.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're a C-cup? You need to wear tighter sweaters around the office.

1:11 PM  
Blogger John Holt said...

asshat donkey fucker.

I realize that asshat is soooo, like, 2003, but I still friggin love it.

Douche is still one you'll find me calling people in bars these days. The DC lobbyists always look really confused when I drop the D-bomb on 'em.

2:16 PM  
Blogger Amie Stuart said...

Fucktard..I love it!

Whats a nip?

My old fave is Shitass

9:08 PM  
Blogger The Raving Badger said...

To Anonymous- You are such a fucktard. How is that extra small jock holding up these days? I have some jelly beans in my office if you want to fill it out.

To Waveline- Asshat is a goody. Tee-hee. Douche is too Ashton Kercher or whatever (i.e. Von Douche. See www.tshirthell.com)

To CeCe- Nip is a deragatory term for a person from Japan/Nippon/Asia. Not well-known in the under 70 crowd. I had to be around old people growing up. Old people smell bad.

1:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nip is of course also short for nipples, of which we'd presumably see more of if not for the lack of tighter sweaters in the office.

11:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

One of the best is "Pussy". You call a guy a pussy you can get him to do anything. Usually throw the first punch. If one guy calls another a pussy you wil test his measure. He will either put up or shut up. I am sure most Darwin award winners started off with one guy calling the other a pussy. And the classic "Bitch" does the same for a lot of women. As a kid we were all fond of "Mother Fucking Titty Sucking Blue Balled Bastard". Jake Da Wonderdog

1:56 PM  
Blogger The Raving Badger said...

Hey Mikey! Glad to you see you still have a sense of humor. I never called you a pussy, did I? If I didn't consider yourself served. ;)

2:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My Favorite is Peckerwood. And it's been a long time since I heard Motherfuckin tittysuckin two-ball bitch. bookben@hotmail

10:15 PM  

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