October 18, 2006

Reaffirming My Own Sense of Debauchery

I have a sick mind. Anyone who has known me more than five minutes can affirm that. I didn't realize how sick until I started checking out my statcounter visitor map and looking at the referring IP addresses. The stuff that comes up is amazing. Google something odd and chances are you'll get me.

Tennis ass.
Faggot ass faggot.
Janice Dickinson slag bimbo.

The newest? "Yeager Blaster." One of my favorite drinks when I'm getting shitty with my peeps. Not only "yeager blaster," but I AM FIRST ON THE GODDAMN LIST.


I so totally love it, but I have to admit I wanted to be the only one on the list. I refined my search:

"yeager blaster tuaca assfucking"

I'm the only thing on the list.

BTW, Grasshopper, ""jaeger blaster tuaca assfucking edgar legal shark gut-busting fart shit pants too-smart-for-her-own-good broke-foot diarrhea of the mouth okie" doesn't work.

And for Deborah, it wasn't me that found the jury instructions for 'illegal entry" funny. That was you, god bless you.

OUJI-CR 5-16


No person may be convicted of illegal entry unless the State has proved beyond a reasonable doubt each element of the crime. These elements are:

First, entering;

Second, an erection;

Third, of another;

October 16, 2006

Brit Hume and Bill Kristol- Limp-Dicked Parasites

I was running through Crooks and Liars today at lunch and saw this piece about Hume and Kristol advocating the US taking a unilateral approach to North Korea and Iran and all I could think was:

WTF??? Do these guys use war footage for mastubatory purposes??? Say it ain't so.

It just seems that they get awfully excited when they talk about dropping bombs on the Middle East or some other imagined boogeyman. Seriously, they fidget in their seats, get flushed and their pupils dilate. I bet if we peeked under that formica topped desk, we'd find their sporty wood in all their two inch glory or a wet spot (especially if they start using terms like "detainee" or "RPG" or "Howzer") on the front of their Dockers. It's like a FCC/DoD produced smut film.

And I won't even get started about O'Reilly. Talk about creepy. That monster can inspire the use of birth control just by projecting that creepy smile or pointing that boney finger.


There's something seriously sexually wrong with the Republican party and its pundits. Can't they just get off on regular tits and jizz type stuff? Does it always have to be little kids, death and dismemberment or voyeurism while thinking about Bill Clinton's cock?

That's some fucked up shit.

October 12, 2006

A Not So Blast From the Past

There's a lot I miss about college. I miss learning something new every day. I miss being open to new experiences and meeting people constantly, but I don't miss the emotional insecurity and immaturity cloaked in a veil of "deepness."

I call those the "weirder than thou's." They smell bad, don't wash their hair or clothing and generally think patchouilly is the shit. They also tend to wallow in their own self-centered ness and speak in metaphors that they don't even understand for two basic reasons : 1) the utter lack of trying, and 2) their utter lack of experience. I at least bathed regularly, wore clean clothes and loathed all forms of incense. Yuck.

I'm now 11 years removed from my college experience and 8 from law school. I'll tell you life is a good deal weirder than I expected. Most of it's filled with the nonsense that eats up our days and drives us into the blahs. And then occasionally there's a spark. You slow down long enough to appreciate the first brisk winds of Fall and how the air just smells diffferent from the day before. And then sometimes, you're just sitting in your office trying to be good. Trying to do your work, but getting lost in the minutia. And you're listening to Pandora.com and a song comes on that brings back a flurry of times and smells and sounds from what was once a lifetime ago, but is now two lifetimes ago.

The song that came on was FM Static's "Tonight." I don't know what line it was that snagged me out of my daze but I was suddenly reminded of people I haven't seen in 12, 13 years. Of moments that hurt so bad because I hadn't hardened myself yet, of feelings that I have long (and thankfully) forgotten how to wrap myself up in. It also reminded me of silly moments with wonderful friends who were just as screwed up as I was in that juvenile "I'm so smart, I know everything" way.

It was innocent and contrived and so damned honest. We know better now. We don't cry over bad dates or a B on an exam. We don't shudder in drunken fear under a Cypress tree overthinking our futures and the impending shove into the real world that comes with graduation. And only occasionally do we get to laugh at some misspoken word and reduce ourselves to blithering idiots.

The song wasn't that great, but neither was my extended adolescence. It left me with the occasional ability to freeze up in the worst of moments, overthink the small stuff and bottle up the big stuff. Some may look at those as faults, but I'm getting okay with them as I age. Those little "growing pains" still remind me I'm alive and have a lot of ground to cover before I am through.

October 11, 2006

The Upside of Being An Old Fart

I read an article in a 6 month old Newsweek today as I ate my lunch about how black women doctors have a hard time being taken seriously as doctors. There were exapmles of patients asking for the real doctor or even refusing treatment unless it was from a white guy in a white coat. Pretty sad in many ways until the last example was of an 80-something year old man who stared at the doctor interviewed while she did something with his IV. She thought it was something bad until he said, "It must have been hard. Black. And a woman."

His insight and ability to be at peace with himself and not internalize all the crappy prejudices floating about (or let them go as he matured and became less insecure with himself) was pretty awesome. Moreover, it's not entirely rare in my experince of old farts.

Now, that's not saying there aren't some crotchety ass fools who become absolute monsters as their fear of the impending Reaper grows exponentially with every cough or dizzy spell. They exist, too. And boy do I hate those mean fuckers, but the old guys who can laugh at their youthful indiscretions and admit they were wrong once upon a time- they kinda get me all choked up.

Those are the guys my mother grew up with. They'd sit around the cracker barrel playing dice or checkers and drink warm Coca-Cola or Grape Nehi from a bottle and poke fun at one another. They were the guys you knew would have a bottle of hooch hidden somewhere from the missus or would be in constant trouble for missing church to go fishing. They had learned "the secret" somewhere along the way and werent assholes about sharing it.

They just didn't give a shit about what anyone else thought about them. And that very act of relinquishing all need for external validation freed them up to experinence empathy and compassion for those around them. For the old farts, the phrase "walk a mile in someone else's shoes" means something. They don't give two shits about skin color of the doctor, but they do wonder how tough it must have been for her to get there and give her the respect she deserves for her accomplishment and apparent character.

That's pretty damn nice. And more than a slight bit zen.

I hope I can be like that one day, but I suspect I will be the crotchety ass fool for no other reason than bitching can be fun and I'm damn good at it.

October 10, 2006

Trump's Either Full of Shit or Retarded

I saw where Donald Trump referred to Angelina Jolie in an interview with Larry King. He's reported to have said, "I just don't even find her attractive"...

Okay. It's time to get out the big guns for the guardianship hearing over him and his assets. Obviously the man is freaking demented. I mean: who doesn't find Angelina Jolie attractive?????

Hell, Friday night I was sitting on a friend's back deck having a few beers talking to her and my best friend, Johnny, and AJ came up. We all agreed without a hint of embarassment or homophobia that we all think she's hot. Hell, we'd even switch teams because she's so hot. Well, not Johnny, he already batting for that team.... (he got to see Heidia Klum and her supermodel friends a few days earlier and I swear he's still sporting a chubby)

Yes, I like guys. That's been established for a several of decades now. So does my friend, but how can either of us truthfully deny the hot-tudiness of Angelina Jolie? How could we even consider turning down AJ for some hot nekkid sex? We couldn't for no other reason than in terms of looks she's the Mt. Everest of the current celebrity crowd. And we'd be lying if we said otherwise. Shit. Even my grandmother would do Angelina Jolie and I doubt she's had the urge to have sex in over twenty years.

The rundown on Angelina:

Not too skinny?


Not too pale?




Fiery eyes?


Throaty voice?


I might rather be friends with Jennifer Aniston, but if I'm switching teams, it will be for Team Jolie.

Look, Trump's lying his ass offto keep out of divorce court or he's plainly mental. If it's the latter, his family members are welcome to call me to commence guardianship proceedings. My number's in the book.

October 09, 2006

There's A Panic At the Disco

The news is a mess these days. I saw the North Korea thing late last night on the Internet and switched over from "Freak Show" to see the breaking news. Needless, to say hubby was less than impressed with Kim Jong Il. I was even less impressed with "Freak Show." It reminds of a bad "Home Movies." (What can I say? We're bitchy people.)

Anyhow, I sat there watching the updates in between the Cocktober Surprise stuff, and it just dawned on me that there's less than a month until we go to the polls. Normally, there's a cohesive message coming out of the Democrats and Republicans, but this time, there's not. It's.... just fucking surreal.

The House leadership is falling all over itself to keep the press confused while at the same time starting meaningless Ethics Committee investigations, the Democrats are at best sitting back smirking (although I have to hand it to Pelosi for keeping Louis Freeh outta this mess. Finally, she grows a pair...), and the White House is too busy fighting a war of words with Bob Woodward over his insider hit job with "State of Denial." And the polls! Shit, the polls are showing Democrats as being the preferred party this time and that Republicans aren't doing so hot in the national security credibility department. WTF? That's like saying Liza Minelli is sober.

My pol pal and I were talking about the Coctober Surprise/Iraq quagmire/Woodward book and how the whole the mess just seemed like it was straight out of a Clooney film. In a real sense, it is the perfect storm. And although I do possess a great amount of schadenfreude, I don't see the real upside.

See, for me, the Democrats need to have a cohesive message. For too long, party leaders have bent over and asked to be fucked in the ass by the GOP and in return just state, "Thank you, sir. May I have another?" I hate that kind of weak-hearted, pussy bullshit. We have allowed DINO's into our midst (especially over the Lewinsky blowjob non-scandal) and they have ruptured the spine of the Democratic party. And that rupture has festered with all those smelly mutherfuckin' Greenies. Now that we're looking at a majority in both the Senate and House, it is time to take stock of these DINO's and hippie wannabes and bring them back to the table. Make them toe the line while at the same time finding suitable replacements.

I know that's a tough task since state politics have more to do with fashioning national candidates, but fuck it. We have to strengthen our resolve to find good candidates. I'm not talking about the bullshit straw man Democratic candidate burned in effigy by the GOP for the last 30 years. I'm talking about straight talking, honest everyday Americans who have the time and intelligence to study issues and fashion results based solutions. Hopefully, Howard Dean's plan to beef up the state party systems is working because we need it more than ever. If the plan's not working, we'll be doomed to failure like the 1994 GOP which was loaded with so much much promise (well, promise if you're a Nazi).

If the Rethuglicans did one thing wrong in the last 12 years, it's the following: they fielded morons who looked good in photos. (Seriously, have you read the IM's, e-mails, letters to the Editor, etc? GD. Duke Cunningham is a literal moron. It's sort of hard to believe the government put in him a multi-million dollar plane, gave him bombs and then subsequently the keys to the Treasurery. And Ney, and Delay, and Reed, and Norquist?) Those guys had no party allegiance, no vision of their own and certainly not enough upstairs to not take short cuts in tehir pursuit for more campaign donations and crappy ass awards.

Fuck that, I could care less if the candidate looked like Steve Buscemi. If the asshole can read, write and has opposable thumbs, he/she is a possible candidate. If they also happen to have a very deep-seated sense of right and wrong and a more than basic understanding of the Constitution, well, then god damn, swear them in.
Otherwise, we'll be back in this same situation with Americans not trusting their government and the GOP will be back worse than ever.

Electing rats of either party is not something we can afford to do any longer because in the face of real adversity, all they'll do is scurry away.

October 03, 2006

I'm Soooooo Trying Not To Laugh

As the dumbass GOP party leaders throw each other under the proverbial bus. seriously, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know this Congressional page scandal is bad news. For everyone. Hell, if you're one of the good guys who has never done anything remotely wrong and you have an "R" behind your name, you look like you're keeping company with the scummiest dickheads on the planet. The very fact they didn't report this to all of the page committee members (3 in all), and reported it to the head of fundraising and the House Speaker (a/k/a "Mr. Big") proves they weren't concerened with the welfare of these kids but only with containing the political fallout.

Here's my take on it:

1. We'll see no less than three resignations other than Mr. Ped himself.

2. The gay bashing thing will come back with some serious force as a way to divert attention away from the fact they covered it up. FOR A LONG TIME.

3. The Democrats will retake the House. And then some.

4. The cover-up is far worse than the offense. We'll see one indictment if the state governments are allowed to do anything and the feds don't just sweep it under the rug.

5. Tom DeLay will have his hand in this somewhere.

6. Foley was being blackmailed to give more money to the RNC, etc. and to vote however they wanted him to.

7. A huge blackmail schee will be revealed. There are more victims and more perps and chances are- everyone on the Hill knows who they are but so long as they don't get busted and pay their checks to the Party and vote the way the powers that be want- they're safe.

8. Alcoholism is the new black. It doesn't matter what crime you commit, rehab is your get out of jail free card.

9. The Press will stop being a bunch of pussies. For about 5 minutes.

10. The religious right will try to pull it together, but will fail. The GOP will officially lose it's Christian Conservative base.

11. Tony Snow will put his foot in his mouth at least twice more.

12. Bush will dump Rummy in an effort to change the story. Or an effort to slide it in under radar.

13. The victims will be blamed and threatened.

14. The parens of the victims will be pissed and stop writing checks to the party that essentially prostituted their children.

15. Late night TV will be fun for a long time to come. Go Leno! Go Conan! Go Letterman!

Anyhow, that's just off the top of my head. More later.