July 07, 2008

Hypocrites 101

My local favorite grocery store sold out to an inferior chain. To put it plainly, it's now a nasty Homeland. The prices have doubled, the meat sucks, the seafood department smells like Kevin Federline's cooch and the store is actually dirty. I swear even the carts sucked overnight. So now, I shop at Wal-Mart.

Like 100 million other Americans I now shop at Wal-Mart. It's huge, it's crowded but I dare say it's cleaner than Homeland and the prices are much better. I'm a sell-out to some but fuck 'em, they don't pay my bills and they don't have to put up with the nastiness of the other stores.

Now, I can put up with only so much bullshit. I make fun of fat people, and the infirm and even the kids of questionable ancestry and/or gender. I figure it's my right given what I have to put up with in my job every day. I even drive a minivan now. Yep. A minivan. I've even got McCain stickers on it and Air Supply in the CD player. I'm not ashamed. I'm a 30 something Midwesterner with a minivan *groan*. But as much as I am a bitch I am also a very considerate person when it comes to being in public. I only burp in beer bars where it is expected. I say "Happy Holidays" to everyone, chat up toll road cashiers, wish the McDonald's cashier a good day and I mean it. Damnit. I'm nice. I even put up my shopping cart into the appropriate cart return even if it's a half mile away and 100 degrees outside.

So Saturday morning, I get up. The sun is shining. It's a gorgeous day, it's 8:30 A.M. and I don't have a hangover. At this point, I'm in a good enough mood that I would have bought Karl Rove a blowjob from his own mother. I get through Wal-Mart. It's not too crowded, I'm there for less than 30 minutes from park to finish. The lady in the SUV next to me is loading her groceries in at the same time. She has a soccer mom sticker, and the sticker for a Christian private school on her back bumper. She's tanned, waxed and bleached. In other words, I would hate her on any given day, but not today. Today, I am in the best mood ever.

So I finish unloading my groceries and run the cart to the return just on the front side of her SUV. She finished at the same time so I was surprised to hear her car start up and see her pull out ahead of me. Then I see why.

Bitch had left her cart up next to my van.

That stooopid cunt couldn't walk ten feet to the front of her car to put the damn cart inside the metal rails.

I was livid. I was mortified that this bitch would be so inconsiderate to other drivers with their expensive ass gas guzzlers as to place a potential hazard in their way. And me... she left her cart six inches from the nose of my van.

I get back in my van, bitch at my spouse at what she had done and then he points out what I couldn't place- she had Christian pop music on the highest setting. She was rocking out to Amy Grant and thinking she was better than everyone else for it.

I slammed my car into reverse and followed her out. I contemplated aloud stalking her back to her house and confronting her. Or better yet- driving by slowly for two weeks.

Then I said fuck it. Gas is too expensive, picked up a some hotcakes and sausage and went home to mow my yard.

If I do ever see that bitch again, I will lecture her on common courtesy and how she is a hypocritical bitch. I hope her kids are there and I'm wearing my "Jesus is a Homo" shirt. Let her explain what that is to Caleb and Shante. Then let her explain how she's not a homo when they catch daddy giving it to her in the ass.

I fucking hate hypocrites.

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