November 17, 2008

If You Voted for Obama, You Got it Wrong

I have spent the better part of the last twenty months dealing with every pansy-assed-bleeding-heart-save-the-Muslim-feminist- vegan-whales type I know while somehow controlling my instinct to gut them viciously with a lid off a tin of Campbell’s soup. I have been successful. Barely. So can I just say it now? Pretty, pretty please?

I hate those fuckers.

They are the lowest common denominator in the Democratic party. They usually have a degree (or six- thanks, Daddy!), recently rushed out to replace their Volvo convertible with a hybrid, own two or more pairs of animal cruelty free shoes, an autographed copy of “An Inconvenient Truth”, and a recumbent bicycle. They eat organic from the organic only specialty shop where arugula is $9.00 a bag and Tofurkey is more easily obtained than a dozen eggs. They buy ink squid pasta and wear NorthFace outerware. In a word, they are pretentious.

They have self help books lining their shelves and burn incense and guys talk about their inner feminine side. The men cry and their hairy-legged women eat it up, and together they help continue the life-cycle of STI’s that infect said peace loving male’s uncircumcised manhood (and I say manhood, because it is *usually* the only way to tell the men from the women in these couples) while listening to Phish.

See- they’re into the latest fads and lack the depth to swim against the tide of popular culture. Twenty-five years ago it was Izod’s with the collars popped, leg warmers and Irene Cara. In the 90’s it was grunge and $90.00 flannel shirts blessed by Her Highness of the Five Fingered Discount, Winona Ryder. They bashed Bill for a blowjob, hated Bush because he has problems with Webster’s Dictionary and the autonomic function of swallowing. They rallied around TPM, DailyKos and because they were hip “outsider” sites that preached the same things they believed- hate Bush and peace, love and Chlamydia rock (and not necessarily in that order).

They eschew personal responsibility and moderation. Frugality is not a trait they would admire in others. If it’s not Sean Penn and Wyclef Jean approved, it’s not cool in their world. And see, they’re different. They’re evolved because they voted for the guy with a funny name and kinky hair.

“He’s the smartest president ever.”

“He’s the One.”

“He will bring peace and light to the whole world.”

“He’s not politics as usual.”

“He’s a loving god….”

Yeah, well. He’s none of those things.

He’s a rat bastard. And yes, bastard in the truest sense of the word. Get over it. I certainly have. He’s a thug. He doesn’t win votes by being a better candidate with the better ideas, he wins elections through intimidation, blackmail, shame and by marketing himself more extensively than the Big Mac. As previously been said by many, many before me- There is no “there” there. Nothing original, nothing sacred and certainly, nothing deserving of the respect of other nations’ leaders when it comes to the delicate art of diplomacy. Stating prior to your election that you are for invading a sovereign nation and bombing their countrymen is something even Dubya didn’t do. I, for one, will always hold him responsible for Bhutto’s assassination if his sycophants won’t.

Look, he’s not bringing peace to the Middle East. His election seems to be doing quite the opposite, in fact. Just last week, Iran started testing some solid fuel missiles which have enough range to not only kill every Jew in Israel but also most of Europe, too. Coincidence? And Israel? They started lobbing bombs back and forth with Hamas like a Salvador Dali inspired game of Hot Potato. And just how many suicide bombings happened in Iraq and Afghanistan in the last two weeks? How about more than in the last several months…And all of this happened coincidentally since and despite The Messiah’selection. Jeesh. I thought he was “going to change it, and rearrange it???” Isn't that what they taught the little children to say?

So much for that theory, dumbasses.

There will not be any peace in the Middle East, and don’t even begin to think that Russia will be all nice and friendly to us just because The One decrees it. (Fuck, they hate black people, didn’t you know? Oh, wait. The part about the deeply rooted racist tendencies of Russia prolly wasn't covered by one of the three degrees you got from My Daddy’s Money U, huh?) Har fucking har. Medvedev won’t even acknowledge Obama or his election, and he and Putin are busy rattling sabers about the US missile defense shield all the while sending tanks to the Ukraine (AKA Georgia 2.0) and Poland. Plus, let's not forget Medvedev is on his merry little way to visit our BFF’s, Cuba and Venezuela. Oh, and betcha didn’t know Venezuela just nationalized (i.e. forcibly took over) the gold mines and handed them over to the Russians within the last three weeks, huh? Hmmm. Sounds pretty peaceful so far, huh?

And China…well, let’s say they’re just as friendly as the Russians with our enemies to our South. They own our asses and now they're moving into our territory. It's bad enough we've borrowed billions upon billions from the Chinese (and others) to bail out Obama’s corporate buddies, but do they have to come into our backyard, too, when we can hardly say "Boo!" to them?

And speaking of the massive debt and uncontrolled spending- it was bad enough that Dubya gave no bid contracts to his and Dick’s corporate sugar daddies, but the outright writing of blank checks for no real goods or services does seem a wee might more like theft to me. Someone tell me how the Democrats and Republicans are different again, please.

This also brings up a point I heard repeatedly by Obama supporters who couldn’t fashion any rational, logical and legitimate reason for supporting The One- he wasn’t Bush or a Republican. Well, jeez. That means so much in a picking leaders: they don’t have the Letter J after their name, so I can’t vote for him/her.

In all seriousness, what the fuck does a party designation have to do with the fucking price of tea in China?!? I understand hating Bush because god knows I do, but shoving a 20” dildo up your ass to spite your worst enemy doesn’t seem to be the brightest idea if you ask me. And beating up (literally and figuratively) those who are on the opposite side of an issue from you isn’t the most prudent course of action either. In fact, employing such tactics makes you every bit as bad as the Bushies, and worse in the sense that you have now become a hypocrite and really should have known better.

Obama has one plan and one plan only- find someone else to answer that 3:00 AM call while he’s busy getting his balls massaged by some patchouli wearing idiot chanting “Yes, you can! Yes, you can!” in a husky voice to him as he stares into a mirror admiring his own perfection.

I dunno. I just have zero faith in him. I have zero faith in a man who cannot show up for the funeral of his dead grandmother who raised him, bankrolled his education and never denied him during a time period where bi-racial children were never seen nor acknowledged. He was damn lucky to have a family that didn’t shun him and supported him and his cravings for power and acceptance. Like every family, I am certain they lacked perfection, as they did apparently love him and gave him everything they could save the most important thing needed in a leader- empathy.

Obama fakes it well enough in that evangelical, charismatic church (thanks, Rev. Wright!) kind of way, but he doesn’t have that gift of looking someone directly in the eye and connecting with their needs, their hurts, their fears. There is no good reason for him to be a leader other than the stroking his own ego and that's extremely troubling.

He will never get why a measured withdrawal from Iraq is necessary- then again, neither will the know-it-all peaceniks who can’t see that families in Iraq need our protection. Obama doesn’t get that affordable healthcare really is necessary to the survival of small business and the economy as a whole. He’s never had to be personally responsible for workers nor has he ever had to pay the huge medical bills that can result from a simple trip to the ER for a bad cut. He doesn’t get that taxes are already too high and that history shows that raising taxes in economic downturns like ours is not such a wise idea. He’s never gone hungry, never had his heat cut off in the dead of Winter, and never had to worry about whether he could afford to fix a thirteen year old car with bald tires and a bad radiator.

See, Obama is every bit a child of privilege like many of his supporters and the man that they hate so much they cut off our collective nose to spite our face. They pretend to “know” and to empathize but they don’t. Not really. They think working with your hands means you’re stupid and that you won’t get what their regressive tax policies mean to the bottom line. They think he’s too cool to be called on it, and they mistake healthy realism and criticism as racism because the truth be told, they are the stupid ones who only see the world through the prism of their Bob Dylan soundtracked world. They think peace comes from simply wishing it so. They forget that peace comes from having a big stick and knowing how to use it. Just ask Ron Jeremy, I bet he’s been in very few fights..... But most of all, they, in their pretension, forget that politics at it's most basic element isn't about winning or losing. It's about people and solving their problems.

They got it wrong. They just don’t know it yet.