April 29, 2005

It's Raining, It's Pouring...

The fuckwad is lying, lying, lying. I tried to watch the press conference last night, but that smug sonuvabitch just kept, well, you know---- lying. And mispronouncing words. [It's "NUCLEAR" you turd muncher!!!! Oh, and what the fuck was the problem with Syria???] And so I found myself shouting at the TV set and almost throwing my Quizno's at it. It was at that exact moment (which BTW coincided with my husband threatening to take me to the local loony bin) that I just changed channel. I had to. Watching Georgie Poo smile to himself anytime he got a polysyllabic word past his lips was excruciating.

BUT....And this is a big but......it was also satisfying. George doesn't do press conferences. Hell, he can't do a debate without being wired for sound. And it was oh sooooo apparent that he had been coached on his recent visit to Crawford. The man can't put two words together unless he's been coached and the only reasons an egotistical assmunch like him would ever be willing to be coached are when he's running scared and he knows his agenda (and poll numbers) are failing. And you can check both of those boxes.

George Bush's second term is turning into a dreadful disaster, and voters are turning against him and his agenda. I'm not the only one who thinks he's a liar. If he's going to fulfill all of his campaign promises to the big donors, he has to get his agenda through by going directly before the American people and getting them to buy his bullshit. After all, it's not his intelligence, his commitment to public service, or his diplomatic skills that got him the job. It's his cult of personality.

I can even admit that George Bush at first glance seems like an okay kinda guy, but he's just not presidential material. As I was listening to the first part of the news conference in the car on NPR, for whatever reason it hit me: this man has never done anything for anybody else in his life unless there was something in it for him. He's never been an activist. He's never been a leader in his community as far as actually trying to better the lives of others. Oh, I am sure his name has been on the letterhead of a few organizations, but that's not the same as being part of the roots of the organization. You know- actually giving a shit.

Anyone with half a pedigree or a large bank account can get their name on something. It takes selflessness to actually DO something. And that's not an attribute he possesses (nor appreciates). But he does have a likeability factor that John Kerry didn't necessarily possess. That likeability factor I believe is predicated upon being as dumb (or dumber) than most voters. Now, the voters are thinking twice about drinking the Kool-Aid. Voters are now catching onto what his detractors have said all along- he's a mean bully.

It came as no real big surprise last night when he called embattled UN ambassador nominee "Free Mustache Rides Here"Bolton "blunt" and then identified with him. Bush is too dumb to realize that blunt doesn't rule out choice descriptions like antagonistic, heavy-handed, psychopath, etc.. Also he failed to realize that voters still won't like Bolton even if he's say Bolton's like him. One- they aren't liking him so much, and Two- Bolton has horrible choices in grooming.

The one thing Dubya didn't say he had in common with Bolton was a huge ego. An ego the size of the Permian Basin that allows him to run roughshod all over everyone else who doesn't concede his greatness. In a nutshell, he doesn't think his shit stinks.

Last night Dubya's shit stunk. It stunk with the lies about OPEC pushing prices up and causing high gas prices not the oil companies selling us $3 a gallon gasoline (if that were true why did Exxon Mobil have a 44% rise in its profits last quarter? and Shell?), he lied about the UN needing reform and Bolton being the man for the job (that's like saying Adolph Hitler should be in charge of Passover services. Truth: Bush is still pissed they didn't rubberstamp Iraq), he lied about SS needing privitization to keep afloat (how about stop raiding it for big Halliburton contracts, dickweed?) and that recipients could buy T-Bills (there have been times in recent months when the government couldn't issue T-Bills because we have too much outstanding national debt), and he lied about working hard to keep us out of war (he's still antagonizing Iran and North Korea). Mostly, he just lied about having a handle on things and working hard. His trips to Crawford are to bone up for press conferences and to have man dates with Saudi oil royalty.

George Bush is doing everything he said he wouldn't do. He's abusing his office and our trust. And he's doing exactly what I won't do here: He's pissing on our backs and telling us it's raining. I'm just glad I'm not the only one who's bought an umbrella recently.

April 28, 2005

Why Does It Always Come Down To A Cigar?

Cigars became the "in" thing while I was in college. Then it quickly disappeared as the vice of the day thanks in part to Clinton's extracurricular activities. Of all of the salacious details to come out of the $52M joke known as Whitewater, Ken Starr could only come up with one thing to embarass the former president- he stuck a cigar in Monica lewinsky's chachi. BFD. It wasn't even a Cuban cigar (he saves those for skinny chicks who actually swallow).

Well, as luck would have it, cigars are still the in thing for bigtime D.C. fleshbags drunk on power. Time magazine (which now sucks BTW because of its intense scrutiny of Anthrax Coulter), ran a picture showing Tom DeLay in Jerusalem smoking a big, fat cigar. Thing is- it's a Cuban cigar and Tommy boy has made some pretty harsh comments about sticking money in Fidel's coffers by buying, smoking, accepting as bribes....a-hem I mean properly reported gifts- Cuban cigars.

Can we say "fucking hypocrite?"

Tommy boy is a lying, rule bending, buttmunch who not only thinks he's the government, but he's also a hypocrite which in my book (although maybe not in his lord Jesus' book) is a mortal sin. Tom DeLay has made a name for himself accusing the Dems of all the things of which he is now and forever guilty. Now--- this doesn't mean I am defending Jim Wright's actions. I'm not, nor would I defend anyone in government's abuse of power. What I am saying is don't start chucking stones when your ass has a ten foot target painted on it that says "Influence For Sale."

If I could talk to Tommy boy, I'd say the following (okay, I might hit him first just to see if he really is made of PlayDough):

"Tommy boy, the Chimpmander-In-Chief and his personal Nazi will not save your ass this time. You can talk about SS privitization all you like, but face it- your boys sent you out on a mission that will result in your political death. It's an unpopular position, people hate it and as much as they were disliking you before, now they get to associate you with something else they dislike- Bush's BS plan to fuck up SS and put us in more debt. Didn't you see that coming? You're supposed to be really smart at this shit.

If the guy really liked you, he would have sent you on a mission to..... I dunno..... lead the children's parade down Walt Disney Avenue dressed in a Dumbo costume. Oh, and he would not have sent your pale Darth Vader-esque ass out of D.C. while Hastert humped you dry on the ethics rules changes. You're not out of the limelight. You're just off the Hill while they push things through without you there to protect yourself.

Hell, maybe you know this already. But if that's the case- I have one question? Lube or no lube?"

Oh, Tommy boy. You ain't hammerin' shit from now on. You are a political lame duck and Karl Rove just fired up the grill. After the Dems have feasted on your fickle flesh, maybe they'll fire up a few cigars. Dominican, of course.

April 27, 2005

Shameful Admissions Part One

In light of all of the skeletons coming out of the proverbial closets in D.C. these days, I declare today "Shameful Admissions" Day. The purpose is to drain the power of shameful and/or embarassing moments/habits that may (or may not) have ever happened to me or anyone else. [Of course they have all happened or I wouldn't be posting them.]

1. I really enjoy the BeeGee's. There. I said it. I like the freaking BeeGee's. I have all of their Greatest Hits albums. I like them with Streisand, Travolta, pimento cheese sandwiches, Gillette shaving cream, Dionne Warwick and her psychic friends network. I totally dig the falsetto of the boys from Down Under and think that Barry has a kickin' beard. Oh, and I cried (just a little) when Maurice died.

2. I use to suck my big toe when I was a kid. I know. Yuck. I was pretty damn limber way back when and had a penchant for sucking my toe vs. my thumb. In all fairness, I didn't chew on my toenail like some people, but I did it. I don't anymore. Let's move on.

3. When I get drunk I become the Face Licking Bandit. Normally, I am a pretty fun drunk to be around. But when I am being really "fun" I start licking people's faces. It's funny to see all ofthe bewildered looks. Faces that say, "Ewwwwww," or "She really didn't just do that? Did she? Oh shit, she did.....ewwwww." To date, I have never been hit for it.

4. I think the "porn" spanking is freakin' hil-ar-i-ous. Admit it. You know what a porn spanking is. It's where a spanker spanks the spankee and then rubs the spankee's bottom. It's a thwack, then rub. Thwack, then rub. Where the hell did they come up with that???? Regardless- it's funny and I will do that to my guy friends (in jest) any chance I get.

5. While we're on spanking....I will offer up my firm buttocks to anyone to thwack when they doubt my firmness. (I don't even have to be drunk for that one). It's weird, I have a hard ass. Granted it is bigger than it once was, but it is really firm.

6. I cry at Hallmark commercials.

7. I bob up and down in my chair and start humming when I am eating something I really like. (No smartass comments, please.)

8. I secretly like Kelly Clarkson's new album. I know. It's worse than the BeeGee's. She was on American Idol for crissakes. But "Since You've Been Gone" is a fantastic song. I even watched her do her unplugged version on VH1 yesterday. And it WAS SO GOOD. Keep on rockin', sistah!

9. I have abnormally huge thumbs. They come up past the middle knuckle. I have monkey thumbs. But, in palmistry, it's considered a sign of success or talent. (Oh, and I have a talent line, too.)

10. I have never been able to cross the monkey bars. I could do a bent or straight arm hang for 2+ minutes, do 50+ chin ups, but could never get across the monkey bars. It was my great shame in school. Still is....

11. Trifectas are great.

[UPDATE: Trifecta- burping, farting and peeing at the same time.]

April 26, 2005

This is a "No Tightass" Zone

It's no secret here that I am a lawyer. Yep, I'm a member of one of the most hated professions in the world. But- I'm not a dickhead.

It's sometimes hard to believe there are still decent people in this profession, but there are. There are the guys in my office who- although they piss me off with their inconsiderate actions (read here: change the TP roll)- do good work and treat people fairly (well, except maybe Larry but that's another story). Some of these guys are people that I originally met online. Others went to school with me or just wandered in one day. They are smart and most of all, they are dedicated to making clients happy when possible. They are real people with real lives and real feelings like the young attorney I know in D.C. whose heart is broken everytime she visits sick kids in the hospital and who liberally peppers her converstions with "ya'll" and "shit, yeah!", the attorney in Tulsa who always, always helps out her colleagues even when she's recovering from major surgery, the guy in Florida who has rediscovered the laidback lifestyle of his youth (and listens to some rockin' ass music), the head attorney of a major state agency that spends most of his days thinking about the funny things his kids did that morning, and the guy who keeps crusading for changes to the criminal justice system in spite of the odds he's always going to lose. I like these people a lot. They're not the freak assholes with their efficiency experts and billable hour fetishes that seem to control this profession.

The freaks who run this profession see themselves as part of the "aristocracy." They pass judgment on everyone else who doesn't fit their idea of what an attorney should be or speaks the way an attorney should, or dress in a suit each and every day. In their eyes, we should all be tightassed, grimacing, and pointing our pinky out while we drink. They think by the virtue of a lousy ass piece of paper they are better than everyone else. I'll tell you a secret- law school isn't hard academically- it's hard socially because of the freaks. Anyone can get a JD, but not just anyone can survive the snake's nest that is the practice of law. It takes a tough ego or at the very least a certain fuck you attitude. Fotunately, I have both.

I'm way different than the freaks. I wear jeans, rude T-shirts, talk to my clients like people, share a bit about myself to make them more comfortable prostrating themselves to me. I talk to them about getting counseling before they file for a divorce. Sure, I'm giving money away, but I'd rather see a family stay intact than buy a freaking Lexus. I tell them honestly when they are not the best choice to have custody of their kids. I tell them when they are being selfish and vindictive and call them on petty jealousies. I try to work things out so that they can move on, so they can leave us attorneys out of it when possible. My clients trust me. They know I won't be the average attorney. There's no way I could ever be the average attorney. I won't let myself be that much of an asshole.

I still vividly remember what happened in my parents' divorce. I remember my mother crying at night when she thought we were asleep. I remember the creditors calling and the constables with eviction papers. It was six years of hell that fucked up my mother for years, permanently scarred my sister emotionally and made my father into a future serial killer. Me- it made me a better attorney. At least I think so because I never want to ever put my clients or their children through what we went through. Not ever. It's downright inhumane- and is a byproduct of the profession being controlled by the freaks.

Maybe because I'm an actual human I am better able to see the fear in my clients' eyes when they walk in my office. They are fearful they'll lose everything. They fear the loneliness that accompanies the Big D. They fear ever letting anyone else in again. My job isn't just to get the paperwork signed and filed, it's also to give them a bit of hope and when I can't give them that, cushion the blow just enough so that they can try to be whole and healthy again. The freaks don't do that. They just continue looking for new prey or attending conferences where they get to tell each other how smart and powerful they are and how much better they are than the average Joes that they tear up on a daily basis.

The freaks get their egos tied up in the "fight." They see their clients and each other as a means to an end. They see the job as allowing them entry into the world of the socially elite. They think they are smarter, more powerful, more moral, more everything than anyone else because of what job they hold. And they don't stop with just the clients. They also do this to other lawyers and their own families. I can't tell you how many of these prigs have prescription drug habits, fuck around on their spouses, hide money from the government and business partners, and generally treat people like doormats. The morality police are a big fucking hypocritical asspain, and having real people like me as attorneys somehow diminishes their golden hue. Screw 'em. To quote the great Louis Skolnick- "there are more of us than there are of you."

I might not ever make as much money as them or sit on the right boards, but at least I'll know at the end of the day the people I represent and work with talk to me because they like me, not because they fear me or because I might vote for them in some bullshit popularity contest. I'm not like my parents' attorneys and I'm certainly not like the freaks out there who have an innate need to destroy and hurt people. They suck the fun out of everything with their rules and old-fashioned rigidity. Sorry, but I'm not a tightassed, grimacing, pinky pointing fool and I will never play by their rules, and neither will the people I like and count as friends.

This is my blog and they can stay the hell out. This is a "No Tightass" zone.

April 25, 2005

Scratch That....And Reverse It

The GOP is running backwards. No, they're not working on their ass muscles (besides that just means they are flapping their lips or Jeff Gannon's around for the 201st day). They are trying to distance themselves from the extremist views which they have publicly courted, and the ever growing train wreck which is Tom DeLay's political career. (Oh, Tommy. You screwed the pooch didn't you? Poor, poor Tommy. Didn't you realize you can't stand at the pulpit with your pants around your ankles with Jack Abramoff sucking you off while shoving greasy $100 bills in your wife's cootch? It's just not very polite. Or smart. You dumbass. You stoopid fucking dumbass. No one has friends in D.C.. Not even the Hammer....)

Speaking of friends- Bill Frist and Rick Santorum have both been backing away real fast from DeLay and some of his cronies' more vexatious statements which ostensibily support killing judges who don't see Jesus' way. It would be nicer if they apologized to Michael Schiavo for the mean things they said about him and how they used his wife's plight to raise money for their '08 election aspirations, but that would assume either of these dickheads had consciences. These guys went too far and the polls have been proving that. Karl Rove and DeLay told 'em "Go for it! It's a great issue and we'll make money off these loony religious bastards." They believed the memo and did raise a lot of money, but hell, what good is money when their reelection polls are bad (or not just bad- worse than Arnie's and Hillary's)? Can we say "idiots?"

Okay- it's apparent they are major idiots because they bought into the Rovian politics of courting the "right to lifers" because of their deep pockets and presumed passion (e.g. this would translate into money and votes out the yin yang). Thing is- it's not happening. And it won't happen anytime soon (if ever again) because they're turning against their saviors. Now, they look like extremists themselves because they have aligned themselves with the likes of Randall Terry and Bo Gritz ("It Rhymes with Rights!") and Tom DeLay who is so fucking ass backwards that he can't understand why a Supreme Court Justice would use the Internet to work. (No, Tommy, it's not all about donkey fucking- there is actual content out there besides that which makes your pecker drip).

For the first time, DeLay, Frist, Ricky boy, Bush, etc. sense defeat on many issues and are running back to high ground. They are the fleeing rats on the sinking ship that is the GOP. This signifies a massive hemmorage of money and support, and with a major election roughly 18 months away, things could go from bad to up a shit creek without a paddle PDQ. And I think they're stepping in the creek right now.

How bad? It's so bad, even Dumya can see the writing on the wall and flee town. A quick look at the latest news shows the GOP floundering: Bush's number's are down, gas prices are way up and SUV sales are dropping, the filibuster fight has become one about parsing words and accusing the Dems of mislabeling the attack on procedure, no one likes SS privitization (BTW-have they even released a plan yet???), the religious nuts are going bonkers over stem cell research and making asses of themselves to kids buying Dilly Bars, Iraq sucks a big, wet donkey dick, and that mad Village Person- Bolton is looking less and less like a viable nominee to the UN. And thankfully for cynics like me, there is no end of bad news in sight.

Yep. I bet they wish they could scratch that.... and reverse it.

April 15, 2005

It's A Giant Load of Crap

Okay, I haven't updated in a while. Honestly, I have been swamped, but I have also not wanted to enter the bullshit fray about Terry "The Turnip" Schiavo, the Pope or the fucking gas prices. I am generally sick of all that shit. I am also tired of the god damn American-fucking-dream. It's a giant load of crap.

So, here I am- 32 years old (thanks to a recent birthday), a lawyer, married, living in middle class hell. The contractor wants $3500 for repairs on a house I do not own, my husband doesn't even want to acknowledge my feelings of neglect and most of my good friends have got better things to do than listen to my sorry shit. (You can stop reading now if you want). I hate my fucking life. Ten years ago, I was young, in school, in shape and getting laid like a champ. Where did I go wrong???

I can tell you- I bought into that bullshit about having a career and getting married. (Kids- if you are still reading DON'T DO IT!!!) IMHO people should desist in the following:

1. Working at anything that doesn't get them completely jazzed up in the morning or causes them nightmares.
2. Having relationships with anyone who doesn't show them equal respect for their feelings or their other needs.
3. Paying for dumbasses to drink on their tabs, eat their food, read their books, generally treat them like shit.
4. Not asking for what they want.
5. Being embarassed for having any the above needs.

If you know me personally- do not call me. If you are worried about me at this point and want to commit me to the local mental institution- fuck off and stay far, far away because I am apt to kick you hard in your tiny ass testicles. Leave me alone for a day or two while I figure out whether I am killing someone or just crawling up into a small ball in the closet.

I'm finally having enough. I should be in freakin' Kentucky drinking my ass off with Waveline and friends but I am here- up to my neck in responsibility and bullshit. I hate everyone today.

P.S. Bill Frist, you are a giant cocksucker and I hope you fucking rot in hell. Seriously.