March 18, 2005

Springtime Is Here. And I'm Not Your Fucking Mother.

Joe Lieberman is a pussy. Congress is full of rats. Tom Delay is a cocksucker. Bush is still AWOL, and fuck it. For once, I'm tired of bitching about them. I'm actually in decent mood and not ready to kill anyone or anything. Well, sorta.

This weekend Mother Nature will yet again confirm we are alive and that life still goes on despite what the polluters will try. Spring will dawn at 6:34 A.M. this Sunday. The trees will be greener, the crabgrass will tease me before I get out my herbicidal kill spray, and my dog and I will be taking long walks listening to my new iPod all the while thanking Steve Jobs for giving me an escape from the asshole men I have to work with everyday. It's not that I don't like these guys. I do. I just don't like wiping their asses every fucking day of my workday life.

These guys are nice guys. Devoted to their wives, their kids, their jobs, etc.. They don't screw around, they pay their taxes and they are quick to write a check for the right causes. It's just, well...They don't take any responsibility for the day-to-day stuff like buying toilet paper, cleaning out the kitchen fridge, buying fax cartridges after they receive 90 page faxes 12 times a week, and fixing staplers when they break the newest one bought entirely by me. The stapler was the final straw.

See, I love this stapler. It's cold gun metal grey steel with an ergonomically designed rubber grip. It has special no screw up staples and works like a champ. Well it did before someone slammed it down to staple their latest 90 page fax. And I just found it in pieces that someone left behind like their latest 20 dollar hooker in an IHOP parking lot.

I've decided that for the moment, I hate everyone in my office. I wish I were in The Night of the Comet and they were all wiped out by a terrible catastrophe. I might miss them, but right now- I think I'd jump with joy. It's impossible to bring clients in and present a semi-professional atmosphere when they all stand up front (including my husband) entertaining Deborah with latest stories about themselves. It's hard not to kill Jerry when he puts his hand on my mother-in-laws ass like he did yesterday (Jerry, she's 67 years old and richer than you and if you ever touch her ass again or make an indelicate sexual comment to her or Deborah again, I'm telling your wife after I twist off your tiny itty bitty balls).

These guys are pigs. They spill coffee all over the carpet, drop Al Pastor tacos on the ground leaving little orange stains for which I have to leave notes in their boxes telling them to please clean up their own mess. Three times in the last week the copier has been broken by a man. Guess who has enough mechanical sense to pull it a part and fix it when the copier guy can't get here, yep, me. Not the Cro-magnons who run around this office like 2 year olds on a Pixie Stik high.

I know their wives pick up after them and cater to their every need, but when it comes to the office, one would expect them to act like men, not wet diapered babies. A law office should be run with some basic niceties, say like T.P. in the shitter just in case a client needs to take a dump. I bet their wives bitch at them for leaving an empty roll in the bathroom at home, why do they think they can get away with it here?

Anyhow, I'm going on strike. Until these bums can get off their duffs and take care of some of the little things they take for granted, I'm done. I will bring no more chocolate. I will hoard my copy paper and staplers, and pens, and receipt books and not answer their phone when it's ringing off the hook 6 inches away from my hand. I'm done until they can act like responsible adults, and if it goes on too long, I'll get my own office and let them self destruct like men are prone to do when left to their own devices and in the absence of the civilizing influences of womankind.

March 11, 2005

Nationalistic Symbols and Their Meanings

Our receptionist Deborah was just complaining to me about seeing some smarmy car lot in town display a hybrid of an American flag. She said she thought it was defacing the flag to have a soldier on it. I replied, disagreeing. I see the flag as just a symbol, nothing more. Nothing less.

Don't get me wrong it's not like I get pissed if someone burns it. I don't. I could care less if they wiped the brown stains from last night's partying from their ass with it. It's just I understand what a symbol is and how it can be manipulated to serve certain ends.

For instance, there are stark images in the old Life magazines from the 60's of the radicals burning the flag. These don't bug me. There was an episode of Barney Miller wherein a guy was arrested for having a flag on his ass. That doesn't bug me in the slightest either. BUT what does bug me is the flag in the city park not 75 feet from my office door where Old Glory flies. She's tattered and torn. Then there's a flag affixed to a boomcrane in a sand pit just north of town near the juvenile center. That is not just tattered, it's in shreds. Disgusting.....

Then, if you have been watching the news at all this week, they've concluded most Americans don't know the National Anthem. I know it. I can recite it by heart (but trust me you don't want to hear my singing voice). I get teary-eyed everytime I hear it. (By the way- there are FOUR verses)

There are some right-wingnuts on a moral crusade to protect the words "under God." Personally, I think they're full of shit. The original pledge didn't even have it in it, but they'll never admit it. They don't understand what the times were like when the Knights of Columbus pushed for the inclusion of those words in the 50's. They don't understand the attack on freedom of speech and freedom of association that was being waged against many in our country because of who they may have associated with or ideas they may have examined.

The words are still included right now, but I don't include them. I go silent on those words. I don't cause a stir, but at least I am being true to my beliefs.

All of these things are just symbols. They are symbols of our democracy and the never-ending fight we have as Americans to keep our society free and just. They are symbols of our unity in that goal. In that regard, I support the symbolism, but I don't believe in the power of the objects themselves.

I believe in free speech, so even if I don't approve of burning the flag, I'll support your right to burn it. I don't believe in your God, but I support your right to say the words if it makes you feel better (just hopefully your God isn't being supported above all others by our government or our tax dollars). I am, however, bugged by your display or use of those symbols without regard to presenting them with some type of respect and to allow a flag that you display out of patriotism to be tattered and torn is appalling.

At least have a sense of decorum and a sense of history. And learn the fucking words.....

March 08, 2005

What's Wrong With The Sheep???

Truthfully, I'm pretty confused right now. It's like there's a malaise that has settled upon the land and for some reason no one is bitching about the new appointment of Mr. I-Hate-The-UN-Pray-For-It-To-Be-Bombed-Dickweed to be the newest ambassador to the UN for the United States. WTF?? That's like me being appointed to co-chair a brunch for the faith-based initiative assholes to honor Shrub and I have to pick out his plaque.

One would normally guess that by now the radio and news organizations would be all over this major faux pas, but there has hardly been one f-ing word on the subject. I've got a word for it: chutzpah. Shrub's got some major ass chutzpah appointing the US equivilent of David Duke to the board of the NAACP. You know, when we're in the middle of all these self-created wars and we're trying not to piss off Hezbollah too much, or Syria, or Iran or North Korea and we really need help from our traditional allies in the UN, it might help not to give them a redneck salute. I dunno- it' just a thought.

And here's another thought- why isn't the AARP getting off of it's sorry, wrinkly ass and shouting loudly that the Bush SS policy is complete crap??? I mean Bush has brought out the big guns and has authorized the spending of $40+ million bucks to advertise this (read: illegal propaganda here, folks) waste of paper and breath called the privitization of SS. A few weeks ago it was Rick Santorum. This week it was Chuck Hagel. He was all over the Sunday morning political talk-shows spreading the gospel according to Dubya in the same way 'ole Chuck spread Diebold machines thru Florida an Ohio.* I finally had to stop listening to Chuck's crap as I was about to vomit up my McDonald's hotcakes and sausage. It was the exact reaction I had to Ricky boy two weeks ago. Maybe Chuck was filling in for Ricky boy because Ricky just couldn't do it anymore.

Oh, but the lies.... The most amazing part was him telling all of those lies with a straight face. I cannot imagine how he did that with a straight face. Either there's a lot of money to be put in Chuck's pocket or he's been Stepfordized because there is no conceivable way anyone could lie so blatantly and keep form busting a gut laughing and say "psych, dude- was just kiddin'." Honestly, I keep waiting for Scott McClellan to say that, but instead he states the WH press pool is a an inclusive place. I guess he's tellin the truth (for once) if inclusive means venereal diseases may be spread indiscriminantly at $200 an hour.

Maybe that's the trick- just lie and keep lying no matter what happens.

What? There's a picture of George Bush drinking a beer at Kennebunkport while his dad is president? Nah. You're just imaging things.

What? There's proof George Bush was AWOL and it was covered up by Bush insiders? You're inchoots with that bastard Rather....and look what we did to him.

What? Military personnel say they were ordered by intel to torture people? Nah. It's a liberal media plot.

What? Ken Lay and his staff were given extra-special treatemnet and let in on secret energy policy meetings? WHY DO YOU HATE AMERICA!!!???

What? Our guys in Afghanistan have kidnapped, tortured and murdered people and have just buried the bodies in the middle of the desert without a word to anyone? You are a pinko Commie bastard and should be shot for treason.

Eventually, the even sheep get tired of trying to figure out fact from fiction. And in this administration truth is stranger than fiction.

* Sen. Chuck Hagel has been linked to possible ethics violations for owning stock in the parent shell company that owns Diebold Electronics which manufactures the electronic voting machines now placed in hotly contested swing states such as Florida and Ohio at the expense of hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars. Diebold was also at the center of the controversy involving a security glitch in the Georgia election that possibly cost Max Cleland his elected position. Cleland was leading in the polls by a significant percentage prior to the election but miraculously lost giving the Republicans a slim majority in the Senate. An open portal for the Diebold security/tabulating software was discovered online after the election board had approved the initial software.

March 03, 2005

Alex, I'd Like The "Original" Pledge Please for $200

It's really irritating that so many sheep out there have no idea that the original pledge did not contain "under God." I mean really irritating like sand in your nether regions irritating. I bring it up because over the last couple of days we have heard a great deal about the divergent views regarding government and religion on the US Supreme Court. We've also seen the still photos and the video of middle-aged fat guys waving around paper Ten Commandments on the steps of SCOTUS.

I feel sorry for these schmucks- it's cold in D.C. and they feel very strongly that someone is picking on their God and that their little handmade signs will protect their itty-bitty god from the likes of heathens like me. I've got news for you fellows- you fucking wish.

I don't have any designs on your god. He's your god, if he's got a cute ass, enjoy it all you want, but don't ask me to pay for the room service bill. He's your god and if he's as big, bad and mighty as you shout, then I don't think the removal of ten (10) lines of mostly good advice is going to cause all of existence to cease in a flash of light (well unless it's Bush's god who's doing the flashing).

Go to your church, pray to your god, but stop interfering with the conduct of government. The arguments that this country was "founded" on Christianity and that the word god appears in certain basic documents are not prima facie evidence that the Framers wanted religion to mix with government. Au contraire! Actually- there's prima facie evidence they didn't- it's called the Establishment Clause. And there's no fucking proof that churches should get a free ride from the tax man- Madison (a devout fisher himself) was leaning towards the churches paying taxes.

Every time one of these damn Pledge suits or Ten Commandments cases gets filed it results in the waste of some really valuable time and money. SCOTUS gets so busy hearing lawsuits commenced because some cracker school board decided not to display the Creche at the holidays, that they can't take a death penalty case or civil rights abuse case in its place. Every dime the AG's office has to spend defending a stupid monument in the middle of a Texas park is another dime that could have been spent on education or healthcare. We have more important issues than your wooden cross. There are real lives at stake, and you're stealing their spotlight.

Besides the obvious waste of resources that results from these Constitutional violations- another thing I find annoying is: no one said the damn things were bad- they just said you can't post them on public land or post them using public dollars. There's a difference you stupid, selfish motherfuckers. And did you for once ever think that the display of the Commandments might be a technical violation of the Second Commandment (unless you're Catholic BTW)? And did you ever wonder why there are different sets of Commandments for different religions and wonder if you are displaying the correct one? Or how about the weird thing with the Sabbath- which is the 7th day- Thursday, Saturday or Sunday????? (Personally I'd be okay with a 3 or 4 day weekend. You know, just to make sure I'm noting pissing anyone's god off or anything.)

Realistically- this whole argument in support of "under god" and some goofy tablets is really about some people feeling weak and oppressed (or they're really bored busybodies). When there are so many things out there truly deserving attention, don't you all kind of feel silly bitching about having to take a granite monument out of a courthouse? You should.

So I say unto thee, Scarecrow- if your god needs protecting from me- maybe you need a bigger god. Or a bigger brain.