November 29, 2006

How To Know When You Have A Problem

This is for the girls. We know the story and it's a doozy but in an effort to protect the guilty (or innocent) I shall not retell it here. But in honor of the story I post this:

Vibrators Anonymous

Do you have a problem with vibrators? Only you can answer that question for yourself. However, taking the following quiz may help to put your relationship to vibrators in perspective for you. If you end up answering "yes" to three or more questions, you may want to take a good look how your life is affected by vibrators.

Have you missed classes or work because of vibrators?

Do you have trouble refusing vibrators?

Do you need vibrators in order to have fun at a party?

Do you use vibrators to build up your self-confidence?

Do you use vibrators to help you relax?

Have you tried to give up vibrators and failed?

Do you crave vibrators as soon as you wake up?

Do you get into trouble because of vibrators?

Do you crave vibrators at a definite time daily?

Do you lie to others about how often you partake in vibrators?

Have you gotten into financial difficulties because of vibrators?

Do you often wish people would just mind their own business about you and vibrators?

Remember, there are people who can help you control vibrators, instead of vibrators controlling you.

November 20, 2006

Another Letter From Coburn

I do write elected officals. I feel it is necessary to remain vocal and in contact with them. If not to remind them of who they "work" for, but to keep myself in the game so to speak.

Tom Coburn is generally a putz, but a few months back he co-authored a bill putting together a searchable database for spending bills. It's called the "Federal Funding Accountability and Transparency Act." I wrote him in support of his work on the bill an for him calling out Mr. Bridge to Nowhere Ted Stevens for putting an anonymous hold on the bill. Here's his response:

November 15, 2006

The Raving Badger
123 Any Street
Anytown, USA 12345

Dear Raving Badger,
Thank you for contacting me regarding the Federal Funding Accountability and Transparency Act of 2006. I appreciate your kind words of encouragement.
The Federal Funding Accountability and Transparency Act of 2006, now federal law, creates a Google-like search engine and database to track approximately $1 trillion in federal grants, contracts, earmarks and loans. The bill will cost $15 million over the next 5 years. Meaning that on average the database will cost $3 million a year.
This legislation will reduce wasteful spending by empowering every American to be a citizen investigator capable of holding the government accountable for spending decisions. I believe that the savings from this bill far outweigh the cost.
Thank you for your principled opposition to wasteful federal spending. I am pleased to see that the American public is paying attention to our current fiscal situation.
Sincerely, A
Tom A. Coburn, M.D.
United States Senator

November 17, 2006

WTF's Wrong With People???

So a bunchof dumbass geeks stood in the rain for 3 days in Buttfuck, Washington and bought a Sony PS3. BFD is what I say. They should have been studying or getting laid. But what in god's name gives them the right to ask 8 grand for a fucking video game system and 5 games??? And why the fuck would anyone pay that???


Someone has a winning bid in right now. And it closes in 18 hours. Gee, I hope they win their bid.

So I had checked out the ebay listings 'cos I thought CNN was full of shit. Turns out there are a whole lotta systems on there for thousands of dollars. One was listed at 15K. No. Seriously. 15 fucking grand?!?

Why the fuck would anyone pay thousands of dollars for a fucking game? You can put a downpayment on a house or a car or pay for a semester or two of college. You could get your dick sucked like a few hundred times in some neighborhoods I know. Isn't a blowjob better than sitting in your skidmarked skivvies getting half a chub over some Dark Overlord or hitting a better tee shot than Tiger Woods???

What ever happened to kids being pushed out the front door by their folks to go play in the street with the other similarly situated kids? What ever happened to valuing life over owning a goddamn video game console? Eight grand would feed a whole lotta people somewhere or stock a school house with books someplace. Talk about having missplaced fucking priorities.

We fucking deserve the ire of every kid in a third world country who's forced to labor in a plant somewhere making those GD machines and the Nikes we wear while watching them. We pretty much suck and keep sucking more and more each year.

Our country (and Japan) is filled with fucking self-centered morons who get fatter with each passing day as they laze around not giving a shit about raping the environment or raping some kid named Pichu in a factory somewhere. Goddamn. We suck. I can't blame anyone for hating Americans right now. We're certainly not as brave or as diligent about having some selfworth as our grandparents. All we give a shit about is what is in front of our face. And if we don't like what we see, we can always flip the channel to one of the 247 other channels available in our bundle package.

Oh, and before I forget: I just want to point out that George Bush finally showed up for duty in Vietnam today. Too bad it's 35 years too late. If he had shown up on time, maybe we'd have a real president rather than that fuckwad with cottage cheese for brains. May he rot in hell along with all the fat fucks playing PS3 right now or contemplating buying Wii in a few weeks.

November 15, 2006

The Death of My Alterblog

Russ Feingold's announcement that he's not running for president in 2008 has saddened me. Last year, I reserved a name for a Feingold for President blog. He's now dashed my hopes of having a president with balls, class, respect for our democracy and some goddamn brains. But hey, we still have Hillary.

In the absence of my hands down favorite, my early front runner is Hillary Clinton. She's been vilified by the Rethuglicans for ages just because she has the guts to speak her mind (Oh heavens!!). I'm sick of the Phyllis Schlaflys of the world and wish them a painful uterine disease. Their bullshit allegiance to some antiquated notion that women can't be strong leaders and hard-nosed fighters because of the singular trait of having a uterus angers me beyond words. Tits and follopian tubes don't make us weaker by any stretch of their Missionary style only imaginations.

Hillary Clinton isn't a perfect candidate (she isn't RussFeingold *sigh*). BUT- her record in the Senate shows her to be fiscally conservative, able to work in a bipartisan fashion for the good of the nation and that she doesn't believe in soundbite politics that have ruled since the mid-90's when the GOP floated that fraud of a Contract On America. She believes in freedom of choice and has worked tirelessly her whole adult life to better the lives of children and the poor. She has been a proponent of education being just one major tool in our arsenal in the war on poverty and drugs. I like her. I like her ability to forgive Big Dog for not keping it in his pants. I respect the fact she threw a lamp at him over the blowjob incident- it means she has some fire and really does have a deep-seated sense of family and loyalty. Clearly, she doesn't give up even when embarassed like she was. Good for her.

When it comes to the other candidates, I just can't compromise to vote for them. Those who are anti-choice. Those who are homophobic. Those who harp on family values instead of recognizing that a statesman's job isn't to impress upon us his or her religious views, but instead to provide for the common defense of our nation and to provide a foundation so that all Americans can grow and prosper. In other words, whatever fucker wants to be a contender better get back to the message of the Trumans, the Jeffersons and those who drafted the GD Declaration of Independence and Constitution. They better goddamn understand the job description the way it was intended instead of trying to be uniters and bullshit.

That shit just doesn't fly with me, but Hill's does. So far.

November 13, 2006

In a Tizzy

My friend Jim says I need to chill out a bit because I am displaying a lot of hostility towards the GOP and it's apologists/shills. He's right. Since the election, you figure I'd be ecstatic- in a constant state of near orgasm. Not a chance. Quite the opposite actually. I'm finally releasing all of my pent up anger at being kicked around for 6 years and accused of not being patriotic enough. I say unto those who've accused me and other like-minded individuals of being traitors and communists and whatever other words they want to throw out there- fuck you in the ass with a long ungreased telephone pole full of splinters.

Okay, that's off my chest now. Whew. I feel better. Not.

Anyhow, I hope Pelosi is bright enough to keep the ethically challeged members of the Democratic Caucus out of positins of power- say.... like committee chairmanships or 2nd in command. Unfortunately, she won't be. She is put in the untennable position of trying to solidify her power base and make Dems look tougher than Clint Eastwood at a NRA convention on the issues of Iraq and National Security. Sadly, that means having Murtha near the top rung. Too bad. I like him, but his ethics problems will hurt the party long term. Maybe he'll have a heart attack or something and bow out before the 2008 elections or a major lobbying scandal erupts.

That being said, I'm taking a hiatus from drinking for a bit. I had what some might say is too much fun on Saturday. Hangovers are the least of one's problems when they can't keep their mouth shut. I, unfortunately, am not known for avoiding the 800 lb. gorilla in any room and usually go running up to it with a baseball bat and a pink lipstick yelling as Grasshopper would say "WOOT! WOOT! WOOT!." Not too bright. Besides, I have a ton of stuff to get done in the next two weeks before I travel to visit my family for Gravy Day (I fucking love, love, love gravy!).

Three weeks left in NCAA football. Go Gators! And stop giving me heart attacks. It drives me to drink.....

November 01, 2006

Jeebus, Why Did Kerry Say That?!?

John Kerry is an unelectable dolt. Seriously, WTF was he thinking (or not thinking) when he made that crack about "get good grades or you'll be cannon fodder." Yuck. Yuck. Yuck.

It was a stupid remark, but this feigned outrage is pure bullshit. I flipped through the cable news shows this AM with hubby sitting by my side and said, "Watch this." Sho' 'nuff Lynne Cheney was being given the kidd glove treatment by Andrea Mitchell on MSNBC, CNN was making shit up about "the outrage" in between running old ass polls on the Ford vs. Corker race, and FAUX, of course, was running "All John Kerry. All the Time." I swear I flipped through 10 times in 30 minutes and it was John fucking Kerry all the fucking time. Not once. Not once, did they interupt to say anything about North Koreans asking for the freeze on their bank accounts to be lifted, or the fact that the DoD is asking for a 10% increase in troops in Iraq, or the fact that over 100 men and women from our armed forces died in Iraq last month for some still unknown fucking reason.

Fuck them. And fuck John Kerry for getting us away from those subjects by opening his big, dumb mouth again and inserting his own ass (nice parlor trick BTW). We shouldn't be talking about his inept ass, we should be talking about serious stuff like why many housing markets have experienced a 20-35% drop in value in the last eight goddamn months and how many home owners are overextended and looking at foreclosure. I could give two shits about whether JK said something stupid, but I do care about an impending jobless and homeless rates that will make the Reagan era look like a goddamn golden age.

Only one good thing will come from this: John Kerry won't muddy the presidential waters for the Democrats. Even better, a fellow Democrat didn't have to do it, thus, making us all look like infighting, inbred, shrill twits. Bravo! Now if John McCain will just get tripped up by his own blathering, asskiss incompetence, we might stand a chance of getting a decent president in 2008.

Anyhow. Don't forget to vote. Make sure you know where your polling place is and what its hours of operation are. Make sure you know who the candidates are and what initiatives are on your ballot. Don't wait until you get there and then say "Eeney, meaney, miney, mo." That shit's wrong. Oh, and make sure to take ID. Two forms if your skin color is anything darker than soft ivory. The Gestapo's Oldass Prickmeisters are watching.....