April 27, 2005

Shameful Admissions Part One

In light of all of the skeletons coming out of the proverbial closets in D.C. these days, I declare today "Shameful Admissions" Day. The purpose is to drain the power of shameful and/or embarassing moments/habits that may (or may not) have ever happened to me or anyone else. [Of course they have all happened or I wouldn't be posting them.]

1. I really enjoy the BeeGee's. There. I said it. I like the freaking BeeGee's. I have all of their Greatest Hits albums. I like them with Streisand, Travolta, pimento cheese sandwiches, Gillette shaving cream, Dionne Warwick and her psychic friends network. I totally dig the falsetto of the boys from Down Under and think that Barry has a kickin' beard. Oh, and I cried (just a little) when Maurice died.

2. I use to suck my big toe when I was a kid. I know. Yuck. I was pretty damn limber way back when and had a penchant for sucking my toe vs. my thumb. In all fairness, I didn't chew on my toenail like some people, but I did it. I don't anymore. Let's move on.

3. When I get drunk I become the Face Licking Bandit. Normally, I am a pretty fun drunk to be around. But when I am being really "fun" I start licking people's faces. It's funny to see all ofthe bewildered looks. Faces that say, "Ewwwwww," or "She really didn't just do that? Did she? Oh shit, she did.....ewwwww." To date, I have never been hit for it.

4. I think the "porn" spanking is freakin' hil-ar-i-ous. Admit it. You know what a porn spanking is. It's where a spanker spanks the spankee and then rubs the spankee's bottom. It's a thwack, then rub. Thwack, then rub. Where the hell did they come up with that???? Regardless- it's funny and I will do that to my guy friends (in jest) any chance I get.

5. While we're on spanking....I will offer up my firm buttocks to anyone to thwack when they doubt my firmness. (I don't even have to be drunk for that one). It's weird, I have a hard ass. Granted it is bigger than it once was, but it is really firm.

6. I cry at Hallmark commercials.

7. I bob up and down in my chair and start humming when I am eating something I really like. (No smartass comments, please.)

8. I secretly like Kelly Clarkson's new album. I know. It's worse than the BeeGee's. She was on American Idol for crissakes. But "Since You've Been Gone" is a fantastic song. I even watched her do her unplugged version on VH1 yesterday. And it WAS SO GOOD. Keep on rockin', sistah!

9. I have abnormally huge thumbs. They come up past the middle knuckle. I have monkey thumbs. But, in palmistry, it's considered a sign of success or talent. (Oh, and I have a talent line, too.)

10. I have never been able to cross the monkey bars. I could do a bent or straight arm hang for 2+ minutes, do 50+ chin ups, but could never get across the monkey bars. It was my great shame in school. Still is....

11. Trifectas are great.

[UPDATE: Trifecta- burping, farting and peeing at the same time.]


Anonymous Amber said...

Okay....if you can say it, so can I! I have a tendency to revert to child-like ways sometimes. Here are my shameful admissions:

1) I like Chicago...with Peter Cetera. I also like N'sync...yes...I am 29 years old, but I like the boyz...you can dance to them and JT is hot! I also like Marilyn Manson and I thought his book and Jenna Jameson's "how to make love like a porn star" were both EXCELLENT reads.

2) I still hum the smurf theme song when I am bored or stressed. It relaxes me. Yes...I have done it in court...no, the judge has never heard me...I think.

3) When I am having "one of those days", my favorite thing to do is to watch Disney's Beauty and the Beast and eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

4) I still keep a diary...no, not a journal...a diary. It has a lock and key and everything. I even start each entry "dear diary" and sign it "love, Amber".

5)I still have a blanket "blinki" from when I was born. Granted, it hangs over a chair now, but sometimes when I am very sad, I still curl up with it.

6) I don't know what a trifecta is.

4:20 PM  
Blogger The Raving Badger said...

The BeeGee's wrote songs sung by Streisand, and Dionne Warwick. The rest of that was drivle.

I've got Jenna Jameson beat. I SLEEP like a porn star.

A trifecta- burp, fart and pee at same time.

4:50 PM  
Anonymous Amber said...

Huh....I have never seen a porn star sleep. lol. The book is an autobiography, not really how to make love like a porn star.

Trifecta....good to know! lol.

9:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You would think with those huge ass thumbs you could hook on the monkey bars and swing right across. The bee gees and Chicago, I like, but Kelly Clarkson that is just wrong. Admissions, I have none. Every one already knows I am a dork. And I always knew you were a hard ass! Wonderdog

10:11 AM  
Blogger The Raving Badger said...

Mind you- I've never seen myself sleep, but I have been told that. Maybe I should video tape myself. Drool and all. Hey, maybe it's the drool....

Wonderdog- when are you coming to town? And yes, I agree you are a dork. But you're a SuperDork to me.

10:59 AM  

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