Whoa Thar! Slow Down A Minute.

Have you looked outside recently? Spring is coming on fast like a Shriner on a bleach blond hooker at a Pabst Blue Ribbon convention. Trees are budding, tulips are pushing through the soggy ground and the war drums of the neo-cons continue to beat. It could be a musical: Springtime in Poland. Wait... they already did that one.

This time two years ago, their drums were beating loudly for an egomaniacal fuck named Hussein running pissant Iraq. Now, they beat for Iran/Syria/North Korea because these countries have the gall to be afraid of the fuckers running our country. Can't say I blame 'em. I'd be scared too, but not as scared as our free press.

Right now, our free press is finally starting to wake up from the headiness of the post 9-11 nationalism. They're no longer goose-stepping in time with the neo-cons, and are now just beginning to print stories about how our veterans are being ill-treated, how the Bushies are planting stories through operatives like Gannon/Guckert, and the dollar is starting to take a mighty tumble. Wars may sell papers, but if the economy is in the shitter, there will no money with which to buy the papers. Simply put- we cannot afford another war. We cannot afford to institute a draft, but best of all- this administration cannot afford anymore flubs. The natives are growing restless with the lies, the graft and the abuse of their trust. Raising the alert code to orange will not work again. Someone has turned on the lights in the dancehall and realized the cutie pie we have mashing against to the tune of "Hail to the Chief" is really a ugly, ugly whore.

While it's nice that naysayers like me are finally being proved right, it's troublesome that there are so many revelations right now that people are starting to trip over them. The stories are rolling in and rolling out as fast as they can. Without getting any appreciable time in print or on the airwaves, the stories are being forgotten as soon as they are heard. Unlike Watergate where there was a slow buildup to the resignation, indictments and hearings, we are getting wave after wave of nonsense. To the already inoculated it all makes sense, but to the dumbass sheep who jump on any xenophobic, nationalistic, militaristic, pro-Christian movement out there, it's just a jumble of more hatred from the so-called liberal media.

So I implore the guys who control the news content of our major news outlets- let these stories trickle in for a while and let them build up steam. Don't rush to get the story like Dan Rather's crew. They were fucked and deserved to be because of their sloppiness. Check, double-check and triple check these stories. Print big headlines and lead off with these stories every night instead of the two-headed cow born in Buttfuck, New Mexico (although send me a personal e-mail about this because I'd love another picture for my office). Keep on telling the story of the falling dollar, the trillion dollar deficits and how the Chinese own our asses. Tell more stories about the Cold War alliances controlling oil and natural gas, the torture and imprisonment of Americans abroad by our government, the Saudis' complicity in the 9-11 attacks and how they still fund anti-American propaganda. Let's hear about the sweetheart deal to Wal-Mart regarding child labor inspections, journalists being paid off by the administration to push pro-Bush lines, the Bush tapes and how they reveal a sick power mad schmuck, the dumping of toxic waste in once pristine areas.....

I could keep going, but I'll just stop there. There are lots of stories like these that haven't been getting played because you news guys were pussies and had your wittle fweelings hurt by the fringe lunatics calling you liberal. You guys laid down and let the neo-cons run roughshod over our Democracy. Now it's time for you to fix it. Don't fix it selling more commercial time during the Today Show. Fix it by running stories with integrity. Fix it by telling the truth in a matter-of-fact way. Or else your rush- your sensationalism--- will undermine the very message you should have been telling the whole time.

If you guys don't take your time and get it right this time, democracy and the free press will just be figments of us naysayers' imaginations.

The Unfortunate Middle Class

I got the rare chance Saturday evening to have dinner with two classical music professors, a PhD engineer, three attorney's and a master's student with a great intelligence and better sense of humor than mine. We compared notes on our "Not Me!" bracelets and hatred of the current misadministration between courses of Fresh Seafood Bisque served with a crisp Pinot Grigio and medallions of elk tenderloin with a brown sugar demi-glace, mashed Bourbon sweet potatoes and snow peas sautéed with sweet red peppers in sesame oil paired with a medium bodied red zin. We were fancy in dress, fancy in talk and able to afford a night out with pleasant company. We are not the rest of the world. We aren't even an appreciable minority any longer. Strangely, we weren't worried about the quality of our lives or the heaviness of our purses. We were conscientious and more worried about everyone else’s quality of lives and how to improve same.

I wouldn't say any of us are stuck up, conceited, rich, powerful, or better than anyone else in any way (well except Bush, but that goes without saying). We are just more fortunate. We grew up understanding regardless of our original humble beginnings (some at the table were formerly homeless, or infested with worms, or the children of poor immigrants or farmers) that education was the ticket out of lesser circumstance. We worked diligently and with a bit of luck and spirit were able to parlay those educations into a pricey night on the town and intelligent conversation.

And as part of the fortunate, educated middle class, we choose to talk about public policy and how to solve the ills of the world. And we mean it. We can afford to care about what happens in our community. We can afford to leave work early or show up late to go vote. We can afford to watch World New Tonight with Peter Jennings instead of rushing out to DHS subsidized daycare to insure Junior is okay and no one hit him today, we can read the New York Times and maybe get a word or two of the crossword (in pencil).

The demographics from the last election have borne out that poor and uneducated people voted for Bush. They signed up to vote for the first time at the NASCAR race in Talladega or at the local Baptist ministry. Now they vote as an extension of their quest to insinuate their masculinity against the rest of the world because they can't support their families and they are truly powerless, thusly, impotent. They vote for the guy with the best Rambo impersonation because that's how they have to live and how they would like to see themselves. Hard, unyielding and virile (at least according to all of the paternity cases they have filed against them). They listen to songs like “Against the Wind” and think it was written specifically for them.

They like to see themselves as the underdog in a world gone rotten. And they prove the rest of the world is rotten via the lack of quality in their own lives. They are the hand-to-mouth-paycheck-to-paycheck-push-you-out-of-the-way-at-the-Wal-Mart-for that-latest-Bratz-toy-'cos-they-can't-afford-to-send-thar-childens-to-college-Friday-night-high-school-football-watchin'demographic. And rather than take personal responsibility and work hard in school (because it might be uncool), they take the closest 9 to 5'er, work themselves near to death between worker's comp claims and complain it's the Mexicans, slant-eyes or niggers' faults because some asshole in DC gave a big fat tax break to the company so their jobs can go overseas. They don’t see their part in the whole mess.

Red Staters take great pride in being dumb. Naw, they ain't high fallutin'. They ain’t learned. They've gots to work 'fer a living. They can't afford to be civil. They can't afford to think or read or enjoy a bit of Bèla Fleck and the Flecktones with a nice late harvest Riesling. They're too busy living the life of freebirdin’ Riley.

I alternate between hating these willfully ignorant fuckers and wanting them to have better. Their lack of logic may drive me batty, but mostly it's their unwillingness to do better for their children. Ironically, they can still shout yeehaw and put “W” stickers on the back of their pickup trucks not realizing the correlation between their dumbass prez-nit and the fact that gas for that very same pickup has doubled in the last four years or that that pickup isn’t really Amerikain made- it’s Amerikain branded and made by the same slopes and beaners that stole their jobs by their logic. They don’t understand that each time they sing “We’ll Put a Boot In Yer Ass” they buy into (and fund) the same overreaching corporate propaganda machine that controls their wankee doodle dandy prez-nit. (What was the line about forgive them for they know not what they do?)

Tell me how the fuck that makes sense? That we must vote for the asshole nearest to 10 on a Dirty Harry spectrum because looking tough is more important than substance? That truth and discourse are not nearly as important as having bigger guns, muscles or mullets than some French fucks? And that civility is a sign of wussiness? Don't they understand that only stockholders make money and they ain't got no stock?

I read recently about the civil war and how the landed gentry pushed the poor whites into supporting and fighting in the civil war (and didn’t give them shit for it except some worthless Confederate dollars and lousy healthcare- sounding familiar yet???). If these Red Staters could read at all or think about something more awe-inspiring than Jeff Gordon's win at Daytona this weekend, they might realize that the old adage about history repeating itself rings very true today.

I guess what they say about ignorance being bliss is true….depending on your altitude.

Good Idea. We'll Put the Death Squad Guy In Charge

Today is just another day in the alternate reality that has become the Bush II presidency. (Georgie, have they replaced your brain with rice porridge?) Seriously, every morning I am greeted by TV reporters trying to keep a straight face as they read off the latest line of bullshit from the Bush administration (and I haven't even said anything about social security yet). This morning's latest? King Georgie wants to put John Negroponte in charge of all of our intelligence agencies.

Mind you this is the same asshole that worked with the bad guys in Honduras and acquiesced to and covered up mass killings (I think he was even lying to Congress and the press about this stuff if memory serves). He even lobbied for them and got them more money (funding went from $4M a year to $77M+) and American weapons so they could kill lots more people. Especially little kids. So I ask- what the fuck is Georgie smoking now? Is Georgie awake? Does he have a fucking clue about how bad of an idea this is?

Google the motherfucker. Look at his picture. He looks like a fucking lizard with those heavy lids. I keep expecting him to stick out his tongue so he sense the heat of his prey. But that aside, this is a real bad dude and when he is given broad discretion, people die- even Americans. FYI- this guy oversaw the building of an American air base where 185 bodies were discovered in 2001. Some of those bodies were American. He's also the guy who set up the Iran-Contra arms deals. And he sent people to their deaths by turning them over to the Contras so they could be raped, tortured and thrown alive from helicopters to their deaths. So let's get this straight: he's a liar, he committed treason, he oversaw the training of deaths squads, and he allowed human rights abuses to go uncheck and lied to cover them up and this is who we want as our National Intelligence Director?

Fucking pinch me. This has got to be a nightmare.

Just Call Me Superduper Diaper Changer

Everyday, I get to sit in front of my computer (or a judge) working on changing someone's diaper. If my professors had told the truth on my first day in law school about why they were teaching instead of actually doing the business of law, I would have run away faster than Jamie Lee Curtis in another Halloween horror flick.

I have tons of stuff piled up on my desk right now that needs attention, but I keep getting interupted by the braying, whining cries of people who have shat themselves. Today, my four decrees of divorce were put aside for an 18 year old who has a penchant for following a master criminal-minded buddy around. He was picked up at school in front of his teachers, his friends and all of the cute girls he'd like to bone for 3 felonies. His bond was set at $50,000. I drop everything because his father is a good man, a good friend and a good client and I find out the bad news, call the DA and fix it so we can get him out on a PR bond today. Then I go before the judge watching the smartass kid on a close circuit camera as he sits in jail with what he regards as real criminals. I waited for another hour and a half for his release and then lit into him like his mother should have when he stole his first cookie. The kid is an admitted thief. And in my estimation a liar. He shat himself, and now I get to change his diaper. Count that as a loss.

Two days ago, I sat in my office listening to a woman who had been served with divorce papers out of the blue. I say out of the blue because the case had been on file for nearly a month without being served and they were still having sex. I talked with her about reconciliation as he now wanted to dismiss the whole thing. I told her that was good news but that unless she took my advice, she'd be back in the same place within 6 months. I gave her the names of some marriage counselors and sent her on her way without charging her a dime. She called me the next day thanking me for my kindness and cold-hearted honesty with her. They are seeing a counselor tomorrow. Count that as a win.

Sometimes the cases that are most personally meaningful are the ones we don't get. Maybe it's because we don't have to see how bad the outhouse has gotten or maybe it's because with a few simple words and an objective Svengali-like look at people's lives we see patterns and a way to break them. Then it's up to the person to follow the advice.

I can tell you now kiddo will get arrested again. I can see it in his eyes. The wife, she'll work it out and celebrate a third, fourth and fifth anniversary. I'd love to say it has something to do with me, but in all honesty it doesn't. Anyone can change a diaper. I just wish they would have told me that in law school.

Hey Mister GayMilitaryHotStud.com, Ask a Question for Me

Okay, by now everyone has hopefully heard at least a glimmer about Jeff Gannon a/k/a James Dale Guckert a/k/a proprietor of hotmilitarygaystud.com, etc., etc. a/k/a Mr. Talon News/Christian Fundamentalist White House plant. Right? Well not so fast. As of yesterday, the only mainstream media outlet covering the story at all was The Houston Chronicle.

The whole damn Internet is a buzz about the mole in the White House Press room, but you won’t see this on Fox News. Seems a man offering his services as a gay escort on WorkingBoys.net used a fake name to secure a daily White House press pass from the President's men every day for TWO years so he could lift WH press releases and cut and post them to the fake news site he worked for funded by GOPUSA. Huh????? At the same time, he still had his profile up on the web offering his uh, hmmm talents for $200 an hour and $1,200 a weekend. Double huh????? (BTW- what man is worth that much an hour let alone a weekend?)

In an age of orange alerts, Abu Ghraib, Camp X-ray and other civil rights attacks, a free press is essential to our safety and ability to elect appropriate officials. The recent news of not one, not two, but three taxpayer paid journalists touting WH policies without telling their readers they were on the dole coupled with the fact that this man with a shady past was able to use a false name and get within just a few feet of the President with no problemo says something is sorely amiss in the WH. I would suspect it is integrity.

Look, when I am having a debate with someone and they have whipped my ass- I say, "Hey pal- you got me." The admission is earned by substance on the part of my opponent. These assholes, Scott McClellan, Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, Andrew Card and George Bush, don't believe they have to have any substance. They don’t have to play by the rules. They can just click their sequined little heals and make it so. So far, the mainsteam press proven them right.

I remember the days of Ari Fleischer being the WH Press Secretary. He lied openly and never blinked (that may be a medical condition- if so- I’m sorry Ari- see a doctor). But at some point- I dunno if it was because of his conscience or the fact that no one can continue to have any semblance of self-respect after dishing out made up shit everyday- he quit. He went elsewhere. In stepped sexy Scott (W's words not mine) who allowed Gannon/Guckert a daily press pass with no questions asked. Can we say DUMBASS??? And he then he has the audacity to lie about it! Can’t they just admit "Oops, we've been caught." No. They spin the story into "Why are you outing gays?" or my personal favorite- "Why do you hate America?"

It should be fucking obvious by now to all of you dumbass red staters that these guys do not care that they have been caught and certainly do not give two shits about democracy. Most sadly- neither do the other assholes in the mainstream press who were seriously fucked with by Gannon's very presence in the most powerful room in journalism.

I’m so disgusted all I can say is- Fuckers. Every single one of them. It's just getting harder and harder to tell who's the top, and who's the bottom.

Mediocrity. It's What's for Dinner.

Last week, a bunch of feminists came down on the Harvard President Lawrence Summers for pointing out that women didn't hold many of the jobs in higher education and scientific fields because of innate differences. I may be a feminist (a cross between 2nd and 3rd wave to be exact), a former member of NOW and former president of the Organization for the Advancement of Women in Law, but he was right on target in certain respects. (Not the reaction you were expecting, huh?)

Maybe it started for me in the fifth grade when Becky Johnson came back from summer vacation with a set of double-D's and the boys no longer wanted to just play wall ball. It was like one of those movies where everyone gets infected by bacteria that causes them to become brain-eating zombies, and I was the only person with any natural immunity. I liked boys, but I also liked wall ball and books and jumping bicycles. I liked boys for being boys, not for validating my worth as a person. I didn't dumb down like the other girls in an effort to get little Johnnie's attention. I just kept being myself.

Now, at the time, that was pretty difficult, no one wants to be the little flat-chested tomboy, but then again- no should sell themselves short either. They all wanted to be Olivia Newton-John in Spandex turning the guys’ heads, but not me. I was mad. Not only did I no longer have anything in common with my gender, but I also was without my guy friends. So I kept studying and being myself. I didn't rush out and buy a bottle of foul smelling Jean Naté or a padded bra and slowly, but surely once the initial spark of puberty subsided, the guys started to hang with me instead of Becky Johnson.

There were innate differences between the boys and girls. It was biological. They wanted to sex each other up or whatever as dictated by biology, and in that pursuit women dumbed down and men puffed out their chests. Yet sadly, some never got past that mentality. They never learned to associate self-respect and self-worth with their gender.

My grandmother still shakes her head at me every time I see her because I do not wear lipstick nor carry a pocketbook. (Grandma, it’s cumbersome and lipstick tastes and smells bad.). She thinks everything should be girly-girl and I’d prefer comfort and being myself. Sometimes that means pearls and sometimes that means sweats. And don’t even get me started on guys with that Cro-Magnon thought pattern “Me man. You woman.” There are plenty of them still around- just visit a trailer park or frat house sometime.

So long as women continue to validate themselves by the amount of drool generated by a hormonally charged man, and forego educational and political opportunities created for them by generations of women from Susan B. Anthony and Alice Paul to Toni Morrison and Linda B. Buck, they will continue to have a smaller and smaller piece of the American pie in everything from earning potential, to education to justice and equality under the law. They will continue to be victims.

So long as they portray themselves as the weaker sex and flutter their eyelashes, the more likely it is that their daughters and granddaughters will have fewer and fewer opportunities for the true freedom that the leaders of the suffragette movement envisioned- self determination.

The ratification of the 19th Amendment was just a starting point. Dr. Summers in his “wisdom” just pointed that out for us again.

I'm Going to Pull A Bush

I've been reading up lately on the state of the world. One thing that hit a nerve with me is the China-Iran-Oil-4-Missiles/Russia-Germany-France-Etc.-Gas-4-Influence/Venezula-Cuba-Screw-US-Contracts-4-Oil scams. It's not as if America isn't the greatest nation, right???? And that we defeated Communism, right??? Didn't we announce communism was defeated on November 9, 1989, right???

SO WHAT THE FUCK IN BLOODY HELL IS GOING ON THEN???

I cannot help the fact that I am semi-literate and read news more often than I watch "Bedtime for Bonzo." It's just striking that no one else is paying attention. I mean, it's not in the mainstream U.S. press. It's not going to be part of the State of the Union address of The Chimp in Chief. And it certainly will not be a topic of discussion in most homes at dinnertime. Mostly, no one is noticing. And what they are not noticing is scary.

In the simplest terms (in case Dubya landed here by mistake)- China gets oil from Iran who gets missiles and nuclear technology from China. Russia controls the majority of gas and oil exports to Europe (i.e. France, Germany, etc.) who have a veto on the UN Security Council that used to side with the US. Now, I'm not saying they're pussies who are afraid of that KGB tool, Putin, but if the tampon fits....I digress. These, ahem...pussies won't back us in any future coalitions that Putin doesn't want backed. Why? Because it gets really cold in the winter and going hungry for lack of electricity to cook and store food sucks. Got it so far?

Good.

Now, let's take the Venezuela-Cuba connection. It's freakier. The new Venezuelan President hates our sorry asses and has made it known that they no longer have to honor their oil contracts with Shell, Mobile, Exxon, etc.. Seeing how we get 15% of our crude from there, we ought to be kissing their asses. Not just because of the oil thing but because they are now propping up Castro as a wunderkind to the rest of South and Central America. There's nothing that breeds faster than gonorrhea in a pre-school when R. Kelly is around than Communism and poor uneducated countries who have been abused by the U.S..

Now do you get the picture? Scary, huh?

So right now, we've got most of our domestic terrorism fighting force strapped to Halliburton toilet seats in Iraq when these real threats are multiplying. And just where has Bush been in all of this? You guessed it- AWOL (but he has got a history of that hasn’t he?). Guess what his major push is to get us out of this potential morass? You guessed it- let's drill in Alaska! Screw R&D for non fossil fuel-based energy sources. Screw conservation. Let's slick up some baby seals and play bop the baloney.

Fuck.

We've got four more years of this, folks. And it's not getting better. I'm buying a sandbox on my way home from work tonight. You will find me doing my best Bush impersonation tomorrow- burying my head in the sand.