February 16, 2005

Just Call Me Superduper Diaper Changer

Everyday, I get to sit in front of my computer (or a judge) working on changing someone's diaper. If my professors had told the truth on my first day in law school about why they were teaching instead of actually doing the business of law, I would have run away faster than Jamie Lee Curtis in another Halloween horror flick.

I have tons of stuff piled up on my desk right now that needs attention, but I keep getting interupted by the braying, whining cries of people who have shat themselves. Today, my four decrees of divorce were put aside for an 18 year old who has a penchant for following a master criminal-minded buddy around. He was picked up at school in front of his teachers, his friends and all of the cute girls he'd like to bone for 3 felonies. His bond was set at $50,000. I drop everything because his father is a good man, a good friend and a good client and I find out the bad news, call the DA and fix it so we can get him out on a PR bond today. Then I go before the judge watching the smartass kid on a close circuit camera as he sits in jail with what he regards as real criminals. I waited for another hour and a half for his release and then lit into him like his mother should have when he stole his first cookie. The kid is an admitted thief. And in my estimation a liar. He shat himself, and now I get to change his diaper. Count that as a loss.

Two days ago, I sat in my office listening to a woman who had been served with divorce papers out of the blue. I say out of the blue because the case had been on file for nearly a month without being served and they were still having sex. I talked with her about reconciliation as he now wanted to dismiss the whole thing. I told her that was good news but that unless she took my advice, she'd be back in the same place within 6 months. I gave her the names of some marriage counselors and sent her on her way without charging her a dime. She called me the next day thanking me for my kindness and cold-hearted honesty with her. They are seeing a counselor tomorrow. Count that as a win.

Sometimes the cases that are most personally meaningful are the ones we don't get. Maybe it's because we don't have to see how bad the outhouse has gotten or maybe it's because with a few simple words and an objective Svengali-like look at people's lives we see patterns and a way to break them. Then it's up to the person to follow the advice.

I can tell you now kiddo will get arrested again. I can see it in his eyes. The wife, she'll work it out and celebrate a third, fourth and fifth anniversary. I'd love to say it has something to do with me, but in all honesty it doesn't. Anyone can change a diaper. I just wish they would have told me that in law school.


Blogger Neal Synephrine said...

Why does he want to reconcile? Did she learn to swallow? Or prepare a new recipe?

You'll see her again, I suspect. At some point she'll run out of new skills and the party will be over for real.

6:33 AM  

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