Bob Novak Is An Opportunistic Piece of Shit

Dear Bob "Big Lips" Novak,

You are a dick. An opportunistic, traitorous, partisan fuckwit. You are not only ugly on the outside, but ugly on the inside, too.

Your outing of Ambassador Wilson's wife as a non-cover CIA agent (meaning really deep cover you prick) in the WMD sector may have cost people their lives and most certainly has compromised our nation's ability to defend itself against ACTUAL WMD threats that may exist in this fucked up world. Sadly, you did so for no other reason than to win favor of the Bushie's. That makes you an arrogant sonofabitch. And a traitor.

You were warned ahead of time not to print her name. You did so anyway and now say you didn't understand what the CIA guy was telling you. I cannot imagine you are that stoopid, but, hey, I have seen your ties and they suck as much as you do. Seriously- your ties suck and you are so totally lying about not understanding what that officer was trying to tell you.

Your livelihood has been made by your ability to see through things and find and remark upon hidden backstories. For you to not understand a wink-wink-nudge-nudge is utter bullshit. Don't expect me or any other sentient American to buy that crap.

Joe Wilson stated at a conference in Colorado over a year ago that he hoped to see Karl Rove frogmarched from the White House. Personally, as much as I want to see that, I want to see you frogmarched even more you pussy-ass-sonofabitch. If you had any balls, you would come clean with your readers, but hell, you won't. It might undermine your ability to hang out with the "cool" kids afterall.

You are a snivelling fucktool. You are a traitor and a partisan hack who has abused the readers of your home paper. See, readers count on dickheads like you to get shit right and report to us what is going on behind our backs with no spin or partisan BS. You abused that trust. Your claims of First Amendment protection are hogwash. Only real journalists should be protected. Fuckwits like you should never be protected and should always be outed as the fucktards that you are.

With all that being said, I make the following suggestions to you for steps you should take in the very near future:

1. Buy a decent tie that has been made in this century. I suggest Brooks Bros..
2. Quit with the comb over. Haven't you seen Donald Trump?
3. Pick up a copy of "The Watch Men." Read it. Memorize it. Think about your role as a journalist and ask yourself "Who watches the Watch Men?"
4. Write a column wherein you spill your guts about everything with no spin and no favoritism for that assfucker Karl Rove or his retarded boy king. At the end of the column, beg for forgiveness.
5. Get a razor blade and slit your wrists vertically. Only pussies who want to be saved do it horizontally.

I hope you got all that you slimeball, but that would assume you can read.

Sign me- the self-proclaimed president of your hate club,

The Raving Badger

Open Letter To Scott McClellan

You're fired, Nimrod.

See, I'm one of those taxpayers that you work for and I don't think you're doing even a mediocre job of communicating facts to the press and, thus, to me.

I think you have lost that "factual" feeling.

I think you have sold your soul to the Bushies and by doing so have failed in utterly every imaginable way to do your job.

You spend whole press conferences carefully parsing words and playing semantics games.

You don't tell me the truth; you tell me the propaganda and lies of the current administration.

You don't out partisan traitors like Karl Rove and Scooter Libbey. You hide them behind the "ongoing investigation" curtain which you yourself have opened from time to time.

I always thought the greatest thing a person could do is to live their life with integrity and that that was part of doing a good job at their chosen profession. So, unless your soul is as black and necrotic as Karl, Dick's and Scooter's, I must ask, "Is it worth it? Can you even look at yourself in the mirror anymore?"

I remember you coming in after Ari "Asshat" Fleischer. It was sort of abrupt and unexpected. It also started when the Wilson debacle flared up in the Summer of 2003. Admit it. You came in because Ari is involved and they hid it from you. They told you everything was kosher and that the Plame allegations were just partisan harping. You believed them. You handled it as best you could...well, at least until it became apparent that Karl lied, Andy lied and Bush doesn't care. You portrayed Bush as an honest man who wouldn't put up with lies and treason. Now, he is openly flaunting it, and you have to try to explain why when you don't even know or agree with it. Afterall, at heart, you're a decent man.

You might have one opportunity to redeem your soul from the quagmire of lies and venom you have created. That one opportunity is to just bare your soul on national TV. Tell Dick Gregory the truth. Answer his questions. Treat Dame Helen with a little respect. She's earned it. You haven't. Do the job of White House Press Secretary not the Bush propaganda tool.

Tell the American public that Iraq was a HUGE mistake and that Bush lied to get us there.

Tell us the truth about Karl being a petty, malicious monkey.

Tell us Andy Card tipped off Karl in those 12 hours. Tell us Alberto tipped off Andy on purpose.

Tell us that Bush has no clue how to run a country. That our economy is tanking, and that 9-11 shouldn't be used as a political prop.

Tell us that the GOP has used you, the religious right and a made-up culture war to conquer and divide the American public all in the name of increased dividends for shareholders in companies that make large campaign donations.

Redeem yourself. Earn your money or at least have the decency to walk away.

Janice Dickinson Is a Slag Bimbo and a Complete Waste of Oxygen

I watch reality TV. Yes, really. I do. I'm not even embarrassed by it anymore. But then again, I still like Disco and glam bands.

So....I am catching up on the latest installment of Surreal Life and this season stars one slag bitch named Janice Dickinson. If you looked up "cunt" in Webster's, you'd find her picture and a warning sign that reads "AVOID AT ALL COSTS!!!" Yes, she is horrid.

And a hypocrite.

For a woman that keeps reminding people that she is a mother or has kid(s) or needs to call said kid(s) she sure does a lot of publicly slutty things like:

1. Kiss/grope Jose Canseco.
2. Talk about previous conquests.
3. Allude to her sexual prowess.
4. Sleep with a cameraman for the show and cause him to get fired.

AND if I have to hear that she was the original supermodel one more goddamn time, I may have to go to Haiti, learn voodoo, and start running over Janice Dickinson dolls that I have dragged through cat boxes.

She was a fucking model for crissakes, unimportant in every way other than if you lived at Studio 54 and wanted to say you banged a model (which based on her behavior, I think she was banged by everyone) or if you own stock in Botox. She is not creative, not intelligent and frankly, makes me think she may be retarded (it's that lazy eye thing left over from the last plastic surgery). She was on a 3rd rate reality TV show (America's Top Model) and now is on a reality show that openly makes fun of hasbeens like herself. She needs to stop being so self-important and self-involved. She needs to stop breathing. She is wasting perfectly good oxygen for comparatively smart people like.....Dubya.

I feel sorry for her kids and I never thought I would say this- I feel sorry for Omarosa. (I mean seriously, how fucking bad do you have to be for people to feel sorry for Omarosa????)

Janice Dickinson, grow the fuck up and try to age gracefully. We're sick of your bullshit and your plastic-filled face.

DC- A Center of Romantic Fart and Run for the Male Species

Finally- a needed break. After 6+ years of no vacation, I get a trip to DC to visit a new friend and an old friend. The old friend essentially stood me up and count on being removed from my Christmas/Holiday card list. The new friend rocks as do her wonderfully varied running buddies.

Throughout the weekend, I met some really fascinating and funny people. Most were of course other females as girls tend to run in packs. Especially in DC. It is necessary for survival.

I tried to maintain an appropriate balance of Drunkenness vs. Soberness while in DC. Partly so I didn't glurk on someone and embarrass myself, and partly because in DC if you don't have a part swinging between your legs it is always open season. Being relatively tipsy but not sober allowed me to evaluate my surroundings and companions. The girls I met this weekend were funny, smart, appropriately age sensitive and mature and they all had something else in common besides a clitoris- an unending disappointment in the variety of male species found in our nation's capital. And from the stories I heard- they were absolutely right to be disgusted and thoroughly weary. I know I thanked my stars at being married more than once on that trip (and not because my husband is perfect. He's decidedly not, but because I wasn't suffering through their dating lives). The guys, well, they were a different matter.

They stories I heard about these guys ranged from the inane- "he calls me 5x a day for two weeks to make sure I'm meeting up with him later and then he ditches me for a hoochie" to the nightmarish "they lived together for 3 years and he never told her he was HIV+, but he lied to their friends and said they met at a HIV support meeting (which they didn't), now she has the HIV." There were also more admissions of having been duped by the non-ring wearing Republican lobbyists, the serial cheater (you suck, Ward), the misogynist, the secret porn addict, the 40-something year old hitting on 22 year olds, the abuser, the F.U.G.L.Y., the asshole without a job, the liar, the "you're the one but I'm not ready yetters"and the garden variety creep who would spend loads of dough to get you wasted and then try to fuck you. In the ass.

There were maybe 3 guys there the entire time that were genuinely nice who weren't trying to get something from these girls. There was the widower cowboy with a heart of gold and the maturity of a man twice his age, there was the tender-hearted computer geek who didn't understand why he always finished last with girls and lastly, the prudish boy with the wildass girlfriend who obviously adored her to his core and is overtly changing his own views and lifestyle to be with her.

There were a few "nice" guys other than these three, but they weren't nearly as genuine. These three were great boyfriend/husband material. The others would ripen with age and/or maturity.

Two of the girls announced that DC was the land of average (or less than average) looks. They were spot on. Most guys in DC were sporting a paunch and/or a bald spot. Those who were in shape either considered themselves "playas" or were never going to be interested in girls' parts anyway unless they need rubber impostors to fill out a cute dress. In all, if he was the least bit cute he wasn't going to be into chicks and that left the well more than a bit dry for these girls.

Drilling new wells can be tough in a town dominated by concrete and marble. Some resorted to meeting guys online, others through their parents or friends, but most of them took their chances in bars. I guess its not really that uncommon. I have guy friends who complain about beergoggles, too. It's just everyone of these girls was in a funk about the opposite sex and the running jokes centered on switching teams and batteries being a girl's best friend. Honestly, I can't say I'd blame them if they were switch hitting or buying stock in Duracell.

Here at home, guys are generally nice. There are a few creeps, but not as many as DC. In DC everyone is there for just a bit, not for life. No one in DC is from DC. And no one in DC plans on remaining in DC. I guess that's why it's so easy for these guys to shit on these girls. Most of these girls are idealistic and end up in DC for a job wherein they think they can help make the world a better place or they are building the resume for the return home. Guys are there for money, power and position (i.e. doggiestyle, anal, etc,). Living in a city of constant transition makes it easy to get away with bad behavior. They inflict massive damage and then disappear without remorse or punishment.

Fart and run. Gotta love them DC boys.