July 19, 2005

DC- A Center of Romantic Fart and Run for the Male Species

Finally- a needed break. After 6+ years of no vacation, I get a trip to DC to visit a new friend and an old friend. The old friend essentially stood me up and count on being removed from my Christmas/Holiday card list. The new friend rocks as do her wonderfully varied running buddies.

Throughout the weekend, I met some really fascinating and funny people. Most were of course other females as girls tend to run in packs. Especially in DC. It is necessary for survival.

I tried to maintain an appropriate balance of Drunkenness vs. Soberness while in DC. Partly so I didn't glurk on someone and embarrass myself, and partly because in DC if you don't have a part swinging between your legs it is always open season. Being relatively tipsy but not sober allowed me to evaluate my surroundings and companions. The girls I met this weekend were funny, smart, appropriately age sensitive and mature and they all had something else in common besides a clitoris- an unending disappointment in the variety of male species found in our nation's capital. And from the stories I heard- they were absolutely right to be disgusted and thoroughly weary. I know I thanked my stars at being married more than once on that trip (and not because my husband is perfect. He's decidedly not, but because I wasn't suffering through their dating lives). The guys, well, they were a different matter.

They stories I heard about these guys ranged from the inane- "he calls me 5x a day for two weeks to make sure I'm meeting up with him later and then he ditches me for a hoochie" to the nightmarish "they lived together for 3 years and he never told her he was HIV+, but he lied to their friends and said they met at a HIV support meeting (which they didn't), now she has the HIV." There were also more admissions of having been duped by the non-ring wearing Republican lobbyists, the serial cheater (you suck, Ward), the misogynist, the secret porn addict, the 40-something year old hitting on 22 year olds, the abuser, the F.U.G.L.Y., the asshole without a job, the liar, the "you're the one but I'm not ready yetters"and the garden variety creep who would spend loads of dough to get you wasted and then try to fuck you. In the ass.

There were maybe 3 guys there the entire time that were genuinely nice who weren't trying to get something from these girls. There was the widower cowboy with a heart of gold and the maturity of a man twice his age, there was the tender-hearted computer geek who didn't understand why he always finished last with girls and lastly, the prudish boy with the wildass girlfriend who obviously adored her to his core and is overtly changing his own views and lifestyle to be with her.

There were a few "nice" guys other than these three, but they weren't nearly as genuine. These three were great boyfriend/husband material. The others would ripen with age and/or maturity.

Two of the girls announced that DC was the land of average (or less than average) looks. They were spot on. Most guys in DC were sporting a paunch and/or a bald spot. Those who were in shape either considered themselves "playas" or were never going to be interested in girls' parts anyway unless they need rubber impostors to fill out a cute dress. In all, if he was the least bit cute he wasn't going to be into chicks and that left the well more than a bit dry for these girls.

Drilling new wells can be tough in a town dominated by concrete and marble. Some resorted to meeting guys online, others through their parents or friends, but most of them took their chances in bars. I guess its not really that uncommon. I have guy friends who complain about beergoggles, too. It's just everyone of these girls was in a funk about the opposite sex and the running jokes centered on switching teams and batteries being a girl's best friend. Honestly, I can't say I'd blame them if they were switch hitting or buying stock in Duracell.

Here at home, guys are generally nice. There are a few creeps, but not as many as DC. In DC everyone is there for just a bit, not for life. No one in DC is from DC. And no one in DC plans on remaining in DC. I guess that's why it's so easy for these guys to shit on these girls. Most of these girls are idealistic and end up in DC for a job wherein they think they can help make the world a better place or they are building the resume for the return home. Guys are there for money, power and position (i.e. doggiestyle, anal, etc,). Living in a city of constant transition makes it easy to get away with bad behavior. They inflict massive damage and then disappear without remorse or punishment.

Fart and run. Gotta love them DC boys.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just want everybody out there who's reading this to realize shes serious. I'm one of the bartenders she so lovingly drank with in DC, and my job is only made harder by the number of boys/men who are missing personalities and any resemblance of charm. And thats just the tip of the iceberg. I'm sending out a personal request for good guys to come to DC. There are alot of horny women out here who could use your help. Our batteries are soon to run low so come one, come all; assholes need not apply.

3:07 PM  
Blogger John Holt said...

I spent yesterday researching the possibility of sky-writing signs. I've got a message all lined out and everything, and reading your post completely brought it full circle. This is a semi-private joke, but I'm considering smoke-signaling a single message on behalf of DC women's epic and continuous search for A Good Man:


Love k

6:40 PM  

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