January 24, 2006

Why Jack Abramoff is Invited to the Circle Jerk, But Not the Prom

I know it's been a while, but shit- I have a life and unfortunately I haven't had DSL at my ofice since the cheap ass wanker known as Larry Stewart moved out and fucked all of us here in the office. All the fucker had to do is tell the truth and do it with two weeks notice instead of two days notice. From this point forward, he will be on my eternal shit list. May his wife catch him bed with a Vietnamese prostitute while he has a tennis racquet stuck up his ass....

So, back to Jack.... Jack's daddy's a bit pissed at George "Whattahunkovman" Clooney for making masturbation jokes during last week's Golden Globes presentation. Big deal. No one listens to George anyway. We're too busy drooling (straight guys alike). And now, TIME is saying they've seen five different photos of Bush meeting with Jackoff after Scotty Boy said there was nothing to the rumors of Jackoff and Bush having their own Brokeback Mountain moments in front of the camera. Well, lordy, lordy. I guess they left Scotty Boy outta the loop on the family photo-op stuff yet gain.

I can see why Bushie is acting like he doesn't know Jack. Jack's going to the federal pen. Jack's greed got him in bed with the mob, and his...ahem...relationships with certain powerful congressmen will cost many people their jobs and the GOP their fundraising superpowers and probably give Congress back to the Dems in the '06 midterm elections. Bush has enough problems right now, but five years ago, that wasn't the case and everyone was "chummy."

Now when I say "chummy" I mean chummy in the way one acts towards the guy who gave him a handjob at band camp, but that he wouldn't even say "yo" to at the junior prom. Sure, Jackoff was a Bush Pioneer having raised over 100K for Bush's election efforts in 2000 and 2004. And sure, Jackoff put a lot of money on the table for many powerful Congressmen. And sure, Jack got some return lip service from Bush and others on behalf of his clients back then, but he let his ego get in the way. He got cocky and he did a really poor off-off-off K Street version of Icarus. It's the difference between confidence and being a slimy dick.

Jackoff is the creepy drug dealer you cozy up to at the backwall of a dark party hoping to get a stray toke or bump from, but by the light of day, you won't acknowledge who he is. To do so would to embarass yourself or to seem too lowbrow. Jackoff is the waitress at your dad's diner who sucks your dick in the storage closet. Jackoff is the cheap blonde dancer whom you knock up in the Poconos on the sly while you're really chasing the Jew doctor's virgin daughter. Jackoff is new money tainted with the brashness of faux accomplishment who will struggle his whole life to get his son married at the country club. Shit. He's Rodney friggin' Dangerfield (sorry, Rodney but this is working for me now).

I kinda feel sorry for Jack. Two years ago, he could do no wrong and everyone wanted to break bread with him at Signatures so long as he was paying the tab and giving out free green fees at St. Andrews. Now, he's back to being the lowlife they always thought him to be. That's a pretty sad state of affairs for a guy whose business it was to be the prettiest belle of the ball.

Maybe he will be in prison. I hear they like boys with purty mouths.


Blogger Emptyman said...

One could only hope this would give the Dems the Congress, which would in turn lead to Bush's impeachment for his admitted, conscious violations of federal laws.

BUT redistricting has made that a virtual impossibility, at least in the House. Until we get multi-member districts the House will never have enough competitive elections to mean anything. Instead the only meaningful threats to a seat wil come from primaries, which means that both parties will be pushed further and further to their fringes.

8:35 AM  

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