December 20, 2005

Ten Things I've Learned This Year

As shallow as I am (and I am shallow- I think about politics, sex, food and sports in that order), every year, I sit down and try to make a check list of things upon which I can improve or things that I have learned. Here's my list:

1. Not all 20-somethings are completely moronic. Some actually have their shit together (or at least more than I did at their age) and/or have some kickass potential. I will no longer discount someone because they put weird ass non-natural colors in their hair. I'll wait until they open their mouth.

2. Not everyone knows how to spank. Or admits to watching porn. Shame them into admitting the truth and to spanking it like a porn star.

3. Bush is a goddamn lying moron and should be impeached (actually this is just being reaffirmed for the umpteenth time this week). I will write everyone of my congressmen to that effect.

4. Old people can be real pains in the ass. Especially when they think they're owed something based on age, rank and serial number. I will tell many, many of these scratchy bottoms to screw themselves instead of letting them get away with young people like me buying into the bullshit line about respecting elders. Fuck 'em if they don't live in the land of the living and expect everything to be 1962. Having underwear older than me is not something to brag about, people.

5. Girls who work at being cute in an effort to snag guys really grate on my nerves because they're shallow, high maintenance, whiney liars who feed off creating drama wherein they're the victim. I will endeavor to make them all cry like the prostitutes they are.

6. You should check your knuckles after hitting your phone console repeatedly with your fist lest you bleed all over your files. I will keep band-aids (or suture kits) closer by next year or at the very least hit more people.

7. Most Democrats have no balls. And it's not my fault. I can't do anything about it, but bitch at them for being bitch ass pussies.

8. Most Republicans suck balls (or want to). And it's not my fault their mothers didn't abort them. I'll try to convince them to listen to OZZY and Judas Priest more often.

9. There's no better day than a Sunday spent in bed watching bad TV with your dog and your hubby eating bacon cheeseburgers and Ramen noodles. I'm investing in bedpans and IV's.

10. The Righteous Bros. were wrong. Time doesn't go by slowly. It's quick. Fleeting. It's constantly being lost to should have, would have, could haves. The older I get the faster the year goes by. This next year, I will endeavor to slow it down a bit. No use in rushing to my death bed.


Blogger Emptyman said...

I distinctly remember driving away from the second day of the bar exam, knowing I'd aced it, and thinking to myself "now I never have to learn anything ever again." And for the past 11 years I've kept that resolution.

8:32 AM  
Blogger The Raving Badger said...

Nah, I've read your posts. You're still learning. I hate my job, not my life. That being said, I can do better at both. This year, I've become a better trial lawyer and more spontaneous. I've also done a damn fine job of pickling my liver. Hoo-yeah!

10:48 AM  

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