November 30, 2005

I've Been Rejected

I have few hobbies other than drinking, smoking, cooking, eating, driving my hubby batshit, torturing my dog, and watching Malcolm In The Middle Mararthons courtesy of TiVo. One other hobby is my adoration for collecting rude ass T-shirts. I have dozens of rude shirts with everything from political stuff to sex stuff to random being a jerk stuff. I wear them everywhere including the courthouse when I am not required to be in a monkeysuit turning tricks in front of the bench. Most shirts are met with amusement now since the court staff knows how crazy I am and that I have no compunction about wearing "I Enjoy A Good Spanking" to the jailhoue on visiting day. My "Ass Bandit" shirt for instance was a great conversation starter at the airport on the way to Vegas. And there are very few people intelligent enough to get my "I Support Stem Cell Research But Only As A Byproduct of My Support For Killing Babies." (Think about it.... Duh.) I guess I like expressing myself and making people think.

I buy shirts for me, my friends but not my family members. They don't understand me or my prepubescent fascination with rude shirts and sounds. I buy most of my rude T-shirts at or at Betty Bowers. I now even have my own line of "Spank Me Like A Porn Star" shirts thanks to a yeast and hops inspired night in New Jersey cowboy bar (yes, they have real cowboy bars in NJ). I find some on ebay and others are gifts from like-minded sickos like me. I really adore and buy many, many shirts from them. I even submitted my own ideas last year which they turned down. I just don't know how they can deny the world the stylistic pleasures of:

1. My mommy fucked your daddy in the ass. (*picture of a strap-on and a crying naked male in the fetal position)

2. Human Butt Plug (*picture of Dubya)

3. Please excuse my middle class white guy attempt at humor (*farting person on back)

4. Militant Agnostic- I don't give a fuck what you're talking about (*burning cross)

5. Wanna Dry Hump?

6. Bend Over for Buddha (*fat greasy guy with a salacious grin kind of like if Buddha was a gutter monkey)

7. Jesus stole my buttplug (*pic of Jesus looking innocent like "What? Me?")

8. I am a Nazi-feminist cocksucker and I swallow (*pic of smiling Donna Reed type with a napkin at her pursed lips)

9. If this T-shirt offends you, then you're a pussy bitch (*this one needs pics of two gay leather guys humping in buttless chaps)

10. Where's my K-Y? (* pic of priest and two cowering children)

I don't understand how a site that generates shirts saying "I Eat More Pussy Than Cervical Cancer" can turn me down. Especially Nos. 1 and 8. They are pretty good.

I guess I'll just learn how to draw crap on the computer and sell my own. The world has been deprived for way too long.

I'd wear them. Hell. Yeah.


Blogger John Holt said...


I love you, and will wear your horrid little shirts any day of the week.

god bless new jersey cowboy bars. thank god you found me when you did. and also that the big dude taught you how to spank (very handy in vegas, i might add.)



6:53 PM  
Blogger The Raving Badger said...

I taught him to spank. Remember: it was me who kept saying "spank me like a porn star." He was too embarassed to admit he'd seen a porn to me 'cos I was a girl. When I explained the "spank then a rub" he knew then what a porn star spanking meant.

And yes, the spankings were good. The handcuffs were better.

9:03 AM  

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