September 21, 2006

Time Sure Is Fleet-Footed This Year

I cam home the other night from meeting some friends at the local watering hole. I wasn't out late and, frankly, would have preferred to just stay home and wallow in my own misery. Instead I ventured out, had a couple of drinks and made my way home at a quite decent hour. When I left it was still daylight. Seemed like a normal late Summer afternoon. It's the return that got me.

I pulled up to the front of the house, shut down my car and got out. As soon as I stepped onto the curb, I knew something was different. The wind picked up for just a moment and a glint of gold made me look up. In the three hours I was doing my best to entertain the troops, Mother Nature switched gears into Fall.

It's damn hard to believe that all it takes is three hours for leaves to go from bright green to bright gold. Three hours is the length of a good movie. Three hours is the length of a good bubble bath. Shit. Three hours isn't even long enough for a GD football game.

But three hours was all it took for me to realize that I have basically lost most of my Spring and all of my Summer. Fully 5/12 of one year has elapsed since I made the unfortunate choice of walking and chewing gum at the same time. 2006 has fucking sucked.

In that 5/12 of a year, I have missed out on getting my yard in shape (it looks like hell right now), I missed out on dozens of long walks with Pig. And I missed out on being able to travel to see friends. Or cook-out. Or finish any one of the number of half completed projects I have going on about the casa. I spent several weeks in a drug induced numb state and several more in agony when I chose to go off meds altogether. And then there's the inability to remember things for a good portion of late April and the whole month of May. It's like I was doing a really good Ronald Reagan impression.

I miss that 5/12's of a year. I miss the lost opportunities. I regret not having driven that night instead of trying to enjoy the weather and people watching. I miss not having scars and near constant pain. And I damn sure miss not setting off metal detectors an not limping.

For a while, I thought it might be sorta one those lameass blessing in disguises the televangelists are always going on about. Bullshit. Sure it slowed me down. It's depressed the shit out of me and made me more angry about shit I am powerless to control. It's one of the reasons I haven't said a lot about politics in recent months- I'm just too damned pissed. Instead of venting, I would be harping and fuck that. I'm not the typical nagging bitch.

It's not a blessing. It's a goddamn curse. I lost a lot of time. A lot. And if anything else is clear from my discovery the other night, it is that the world doesn't fucking wait. It goes on. It's like when you lose friends and family to Death. You think about them, sure. But in the end, time moves on without them and along with time, you move on, too. Makes you feel pretty insignificant, huh?

Anyhow, that's my take on 2006 so far. The holidays are just around the corner and soon it will be 2007. Then 2008. And 2009. And then I'll wake up and I'll be 70 with a colostemy bag wishing that I had slowed down.


Blogger Emptyman said...

Oh, you'll die of cirhossis long before you need a colostemy.

9:46 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home