June 16, 2006

Open Letter to the President of NBC (and other dumbasses who run networks)

Dear Whatever the Fuck Your Name Is:

Are you an idiot? Or do you not have the balls to fire your programming staff????

There is no reason to keep those idiots on board at NBC (or insert other network here). They don't know what the hell they're doing.

Cable TV rocks. The comedies are funny, the dramas well done and the stories keep viewers coming back. Why can't you guys do that? Is this a case of self sabotage? Or do you just have stock in cable networks and providers?

Here's what I see as wrong with network programming:

Viewers can't rely upon a show to be in the same place on the schedule season-to-season let alone week-to-week. I should be able to count on Las Vegas being on at the same Bat Time, Same Bat Channel. When you put it on hiatus, or pre-empt it with fucking douchebag Winter Olympics you make your devoted viewers ask themselves why they should care about a show when its hosting network doesn't give a shit about it?

I don't have time to keep following a show around. I have a schedule that I stick to. Hell, I've been a Nielsen family. My opinion counts in the 28-35 year old, white, educated, childless demographic. I have lots of time and money to devote to things I enjoy and if I choose to watch TV its because I enjoy it. I 've picked out shows that I like and I have (for good or bad) invested myself emotionally in the characters and plot. Watching those shows is no different from calling my mother to update her on my dog's dumps. If my mother changes her number, I stop calling her. Capeesh??? Stop fucking with Scrubs. It's the best damn thing you guys have. If you move it one more time, I'm telling your wife about that thing you like to do with a bar of soap and a can of Lemon Pledge.

Your programming staff doesn't know how to pick its own nose. Why do they put stupid ass shows like "Joey" on when there has to be a better product out there? For chrissakes, Joey was the uninteresting one on Friends. I know you guys at NBC miss Friends because it was such a cash cow, but WTF? You even stuck with it for a season and a half in spite of the fact viewers hated it. WHY???? I know you want to get the young, hip demographic to stay but let's face it- Friends was over long before it was over. I'm part of the demographic you did so well with during its heyday, but even I stopped watching about 2 seasons before it ended. It was the same tired shit week in, week out. I liked the characters okay and did tune in for a good portion of the last season, but honestly, my heart wasn't in it. You guys milked it for all it was worth and then you had to do "Joey." Your programming staff is full of unimaginative lazy fucking bums. Are they all over 50 with bad combovers and Sansabelt Slacks??? Shirt sleeves and wide striped ties??? Have they heard of T-shirt hell or blogging or been to a concert other something by Lawrence Welk in 15 years? Fire them. Get some youngsters in there who don't think reality shows rock and that the Rolling Stones are still able to get a stiffie without Viagra. You need some smart, hip kids with mortgages and senses of humor. Think Jon Stewart with a pair of sour apple Chuck Taylors and a matching iPod.

Your programming staff needs Neuticle transplants. I had my dog neutered. Broke my heart. My husband thought I was going overbboard when I suggested we might look into Neuticles for our big boy. I thought he might like it in case the other dogs wondered if he were a pussy bitch. From the looks of your programming line-up, your staff either needs testosterone shots or Neuticle implants.

Your choice.

I call your staff pussy bitches because their programming choices aren't fun, creative, imaginative or even slightly out there. One of the best shows I have seen is "So NoTorious." Now, I know.... it stars Tori Spelling, but it is genius. She knows what people think of her and is capitalizing on it with big laughs at herself and her folks. Good for her. It takes balls to put yourself at risk of public ridicule. It takes bigger balls to make us pay to ridicule you when we can do it for free. Good for her. She' doesn't need Neuticles.

I'll write you soon with some more criticisms about how NBC is doing. I think the John Lithgow comedy next fall is a good start, but not enough yet. And I suspect the Baldwin/Fey show will rot quickly.

Anyhow, toodles.

The Raving Badger


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