The Raving Badger

Spare

2010-10-18T13:00:00.002-05:00

I had a blog post I was almost done with that I lost when the power blinked. Damn squirrels....

I had a girls' trip recently and saw a wooden vase that I fell in love with. Spare, turned from a solid piece of some exotic wood and inset with a piece of organically shaped turquoise where an imperfection had made a divot- it was something that I really admired. It was simple, handmade and done well. And I couldn't have it.

Sure, I had the money. Sure, I would have to bust my ass to get it on the plane without checking luggage (it was sorta big). But there was no way I could do it. I just didn't have a place in my exceedingly complicated life for it.

My home is full of oddities. Pre-Incan pottery? Check. Large fossils? Check. Neo-classical etchings? Quadruple check. Mummy mask (yes, real)? Check. And then there are all the other smaller oddities of alabaster, and wood, and silver, and pewter and things I'd rather not say including a pile of human molars (not mine).

My home may be interesting, but it is crowded. It is not a place to that gives one respite despite it's dark corners, large leather surfaces, rich colors, 63 degree ambient temperature or piles of books. It is a place of confusion- of both identity and placement- of needless consumerism or collections. It is more of a place of my husband than me.

I want light. I want more modern and spare. Fewer surfaces crowded with coolness and more devoid of the drama of competing ideas and times. I want a haven from the sheer madness which fills my working life.

I also want a new house. Not something needing 10 grand worth the new windows and that doesn't subject me to losing my entire Fall to the whims of the local university's football schedule.

I want quiet streets and no frat boy party houses. I want a place my dog is safe from wildlife and drunk drivers speeding down our streets. I want a place that would be good for kids. Not a place where they know how to avoid broken bottles and drunk footballers by the age of three like a veteran stripper in a dive bar.

This need for a less complex life is not new. It started a few years ago when I started reading about an upsurge in the Minimalist movement after 9-11. Folks who got back to basics and down sized. Who realized that they were working away their lives for naught. Having a big time job with big time hours and stress in order to have lots of neat shit and a big house and big car made little sense in terms of what made a quality life.

People and relationships did.

So these folks jumped off a cliff and made difficult choices. They changed up their routines, dumped the jobs that were killing their health and their relationships and went smaller. Some went as far as to get into micro-housing and others went rural, escaping the ruts of urban dwelling.

Me? I started cooking with fewer and fresher ingredients. I didn't have to have BAM! in every dish. I mastered the art of soup. It was simple, inexpensive and good for the soul. A day of making stock from scratch was worth the finished product. A few fresh vegetables and a pinch of salt and pepper were all that were really needed for a soul-satisfying meal. It's just after time, it became less satisfying.

I need more.

I need more of less.

I am looking for a different job. Not necessarily occupation, but job. Not one where I literally hate each day I wake up.

My trip was awesome in that way. I quickly figured out I missed the spouse unit and dog and couldn't wait to get back to get on with conception. I just didn't miss the job. My job sucks and though I am generally quite good at what I do, it sucks to fall into the game of making decisions for others because it carries over when I interact with my friends.

I find myself not being as supportive of my husband and pals as I should (i.e. just shutting the fuck up). I instead fall back on the safe place of telling people what to do or how they should do it. I am, in a sense, the worst backseat driver/know-it-all. I know it offends a few. Hell, it offends me that I do it. I just do it out a of a sense of constant care-taking. My way of showing caring is to be ham-handed as all git out instead of strictly cheerleader and the occasional voice of reason as a good friend, spouse, person should. It's a horrible side effect of what I do for a living. And it's yet another reason for me to job search.

So, in the coming months, I will be looking to make a change. A massive change or two. Not only with the conception thing which doesn't feel so massive to me, but in changing what has become, unwittingly, my identity. I have no business telling others how to live their lives when I am obviously doing a piss poor job of it in very personal regards.

I want a more spartan life with fewer responsibilities and less clutter. I think losing that baggage will make me more adept at the things that DO matter. It will also making the housecleaning a lot less time consuming....

If You Voted for Obama, You Got it Wrong

2008-11-17T14:49:00.010-06:00

I have spent the better part of the last twenty months dealing with every pansy-assed-bleeding-heart-save-the-Muslim-feminist- vegan-whales type I know while somehow controlling my instinct to gut them viciously with a lid off a tin of Campbell’s soup. I have been successful. Barely. So can I just say it now? Pretty, pretty please?

I hate those fuckers.

They are the lowest common denominator in the Democratic party. They usually have a degree (or six- thanks, Daddy!), recently rushed out to replace their Volvo convertible with a hybrid, own two or more pairs of animal cruelty free shoes, an autographed copy of “An Inconvenient Truth”, and a recumbent bicycle. They eat organic from the organic only specialty shop where arugula is $9.00 a bag and Tofurkey is more easily obtained than a dozen eggs. They buy ink squid pasta and wear NorthFace outerware. In a word, they are pretentious.

They have self help books lining their shelves and burn incense and guys talk about their inner feminine side. The men cry and their hairy-legged women eat it up, and together they help continue the life-cycle of STI’s that infect said peace loving male’s uncircumcised manhood (and I say manhood, because it is *usually* the only way to tell the men from the women in these couples) while listening to Phish.

See- they’re into the latest fads and lack the depth to swim against the tide of popular culture. Twenty-five years ago it was Izod’s with the collars popped, leg warmers and Irene Cara. In the 90’s it was grunge and $90.00 flannel shirts blessed by Her Highness of the Five Fingered Discount, Winona Ryder. They bashed Bill for a blowjob, hated Bush because he has problems with Webster’s Dictionary and the autonomic function of swallowing. They rallied around TPM, DailyKos and MoveOn.org because they were hip “outsider” sites that preached the same things they believed- hate Bush and peace, love and Chlamydia rock (and not necessarily in that order).

They eschew personal responsibility and moderation. Frugality is not a trait they would admire in others. If it’s not Sean Penn and Wyclef Jean approved, it’s not cool in their world. And see, they’re different. They’re evolved because they voted for the guy with a funny name and kinky hair.

“He’s the smartest president ever.”

“He’s the One.”

“He will bring peace and light to the whole world.”

“He’s not politics as usual.”

“He’s a loving god….”

Yeah, well. He’s none of those things.

He’s a rat bastard. And yes, bastard in the truest sense of the word. Get over it. I certainly have. He’s a thug. He doesn’t win votes by being a better candidate with the better ideas, he wins elections through intimidation, blackmail, shame and by marketing himself more extensively than the Big Mac. As previously been said by many, many before me- There is no “there” there. Nothing original, nothing sacred and certainly, nothing deserving of the respect of other nations’ leaders when it comes to the delicate art of diplomacy. Stating prior to your election that you are for invading a sovereign nation and bombing their countrymen is something even Dubya didn’t do. I, for one, will always hold him responsible for Bhutto’s assassination if his sycophants won’t.

Look, he’s not bringing peace to the Middle East. His election seems to be doing quite the opposite, in fact. Just last week, Iran started testing some solid fuel missiles which have enough range to not only kill every Jew in Israel but also most of Europe, too. Coincidence? And Israel? They started lobbing bombs back and forth with Hamas like a Salvador Dali inspired game of Hot Potato. And just how many suicide bombings happened in Iraq and Afghanistan in the last two weeks? How about more than in the last several months…And all of this happened coincidentally since and despite The Messiah’selection. Jeesh. I thought he was “going to change it, and rearrange it???” Isn't that what they taught the little children to say?

So much for that theory, dumbasses.

There will not be any peace in the Middle East, and don’t even begin to think that Russia will be all nice and friendly to us just because The One decrees it. (Fuck, they hate black people, didn’t you know? Oh, wait. The part about the deeply rooted racist tendencies of Russia prolly wasn't covered by one of the three degrees you got from My Daddy’s Money U, huh?) Har fucking har. Medvedev won’t even acknowledge Obama or his election, and he and Putin are busy rattling sabers about the US missile defense shield all the while sending tanks to the Ukraine (AKA Georgia 2.0) and Poland. Plus, let's not forget Medvedev is on his merry little way to visit our BFF’s, Cuba and Venezuela. Oh, and betcha didn’t know Venezuela just nationalized (i.e. forcibly took over) the gold mines and handed them over to the Russians within the last three weeks, huh? Hmmm. Sounds pretty peaceful so far, huh?

And China…well, let’s say they’re just as friendly as the Russians with our enemies to our South. They own our asses and now they're moving into our territory. It's bad enough we've borrowed billions upon billions from the Chinese (and others) to bail out Obama’s corporate buddies, but do they have to come into our backyard, too, when we can hardly say "Boo!" to them?

And speaking of the massive debt and uncontrolled spending- it was bad enough that Dubya gave no bid contracts to his and Dick’s corporate sugar daddies, but the outright writing of blank checks for no real goods or services does seem a wee might more like theft to me. Someone tell me how the Democrats and Republicans are different again, please.

This also brings up a point I heard repeatedly by Obama supporters who couldn’t fashion any rational, logical and legitimate reason for supporting The One- he wasn’t Bush or a Republican. Well, jeez. That means so much in a picking leaders: they don’t have the Letter J after their name, so I can’t vote for him/her.

In all seriousness, what the fuck does a party designation have to do with the fucking price of tea in China?!? I understand hating Bush because god knows I do, but shoving a 20” dildo up your ass to spite your worst enemy doesn’t seem to be the brightest idea if you ask me. And beating up (literally and figuratively) those who are on the opposite side of an issue from you isn’t the most prudent course of action either. In fact, employing such tactics makes you every bit as bad as the Bushies, and worse in the sense that you have now become a hypocrite and really should have known better.

Obama has one plan and one plan only- find someone else to answer that 3:00 AM call while he’s busy getting his balls massaged by some patchouli wearing idiot chanting “Yes, you can! Yes, you can!” in a husky voice to him as he stares into a mirror admiring his own perfection.

I dunno. I just have zero faith in him. I have zero faith in a man who cannot show up for the funeral of his dead grandmother who raised him, bankrolled his education and never denied him during a time period where bi-racial children were never seen nor acknowledged. He was damn lucky to have a family that didn’t shun him and supported him and his cravings for power and acceptance. Like every family, I am certain they lacked perfection, as they did apparently love him and gave him everything they could save the most important thing needed in a leader- empathy.

Obama fakes it well enough in that evangelical, charismatic church (thanks, Rev. Wright!) kind of way, but he doesn’t have that gift of looking someone directly in the eye and connecting with their needs, their hurts, their fears. There is no good reason for him to be a leader other than the stroking his own ego and that's extremely troubling.

He will never get why a measured withdrawal from Iraq is necessary- then again, neither will the know-it-all peaceniks who can’t see that families in Iraq need our protection. Obama doesn’t get that affordable healthcare really is necessary to the survival of small business and the economy as a whole. He’s never had to be personally responsible for workers nor has he ever had to pay the huge medical bills that can result from a simple trip to the ER for a bad cut. He doesn’t get that taxes are already too high and that history shows that raising taxes in economic downturns like ours is not such a wise idea. He’s never gone hungry, never had his heat cut off in the dead of Winter, and never had to worry about whether he could afford to fix a thirteen year old car with bald tires and a bad radiator.

See, Obama is every bit a child of privilege like many of his supporters and the man that they hate so much they cut off our collective nose to spite our face. They pretend to “know” and to empathize but they don’t. Not really. They think working with your hands means you’re stupid and that you won’t get what their regressive tax policies mean to the bottom line. They think he’s too cool to be called on it, and they mistake healthy realism and criticism as racism because the truth be told, they are the stupid ones who only see the world through the prism of their Bob Dylan soundtracked world. They think peace comes from simply wishing it so. They forget that peace comes from having a big stick and knowing how to use it. Just ask Ron Jeremy, I bet he’s been in very few fights..... But most of all, they, in their pretension, forget that politics at it's most basic element isn't about winning or losing. It's about people and solving their problems.

They got it wrong. They just don’t know it yet.

As An Atheist I Find This Slightly Funny

2008-10-29T16:05:00.004-05:00

Never gave too much thought to the image of Jesus. Possibly because I don't believe in a historical Christ. And then the one and only time I even considered it was when I was 8 years old, watching a "Good Times" rerun with Michael fighting with Florida about having the image of a black Jesus in the living room. At the time I took it to be more about racial identity than tailor making the image of your faith to your own liking.

Maybe it is as a simple as being comfortable and feeling gooey inside. I'll never know. The concept of faith is foreign to me.

148 Days....

2008-10-09T10:33:00.004-05:00

That's all that is left between today and the release of the film treatment of one of my favorite books.

"The Watchmen" has been in pre-production for nearly twenty years. Passed from one film company to the next. Directors signing on and falling off in rapid succession. Casting run amok. It's been worse than a comedy of errors. It's been torture for its legion of fans who have read and re-read well-worn and dog-eared copies until the spines fall apart and must be taped together.

But finally. Finally it's coming.

I was excited when Terry Gilliam was signed on a number of years ago. So when it went nowhere, I had pretty much resigned myself to the fact Hollywood would never get around to this book because it was too big, too deep and way too dark. Actors had to be chosen who got the nuances of the characters. Prop production and set design had to reflect the moodiness of the individual frames of the novel. We're not talking about a few plastic palm trees and a boombox ala Heidi and Spencer. We're talking about exacting shadows falling. Seizing the moment of a scene and recreating it's violence and suspense.

Look, I'm not a Comic Con dork. Shit, I hate Star Trek (although I do admit to actually watching a whole episode on one solitary occasion and it was during sex with this RA I dated in college). I'm not a comic book geek by any stretch of the imagination. I'm just someone who fell in love with one of the most complicated stories of our times.

It encompassed the whole range of philosophical studies. It touches on violence and perpetuating cycles through child abuse. And narcissism and cynicism.... It touches on the failures of middle age and old age and regrets and lies and secrets and past loves still so real one's heart aches for what seems eternity.

It's about parents and children, and cops and robbers and selling one's soul for materialistic and egotistical reasons. Hell, it talks about what a soul is. Is it the body? The mind? Or is it the heart and all it desires?

It talks about trust and government and free will and compromise. It touches on absolutes and though how noble they may be how they can cost you your life.

Anyhow, I doubt the director and actors and stage hands will get this one right, but god I hope they do. I hope it's better than "V for Vendetta" and truer to the spirit of the book.

There are few books that have that much heart and soul and it'd be a shame to see this one fucked up.

Here's the trailer. I think the music works...

Disgust

2008-10-01T13:35:00.004-05:00

It's not often I find myself just shaking my head in total disgust but now is one of those times.

I spent last evening chatting up an old friend and his wife on the night of their second anniversary. He and I share a birthday and so we've always had a quite amicable and conversational quality to our friendship. We share a few drinks, occasionally dinner, but mostly we share stories and voice our fears and talk about house repair.

The topic last night- his and the wife unit's plans for the future. Like myself and my hubby, they're trying to make a little bambino. The wife is a lovely woman who's from Columbia. She had a pretty cool life back home partying with politicians, and celebrities and sports stars while running her own small business. Had she not met my friend, she would have returned home from her US vacation and continued on her merry little way none the wiser about this great guy here. Fortunately for them both, they met, had a whirlwind romance and were married within a matter of a couple of months (she extended her tourist visa). Life has been good and it's clear they love each other and have a great time traveling and sailing when they can.

I asked the wife about what the differences between her home country and the US were- and her answer was pretty much what I expected. Money and quality of housing, cars, etc. is great here, but we're too busy keeping up with the lifestyle and all we do is work, work, work. Of course, this is all to the detriment of the things that are really important- family and friends. She misses her family most of all. When she visits, they laugh, they eat, they drink, they dance and they give themselves fully to one another. There- it's okay to be late to work. It's okay to enjoy a good conversation rather than make an important meeting.

It's understood.

Up until that conversation last evening, I had spent much of my day ruminating on what is going on with two couples with whom we are friends. Both couples are divorcing. One due to the husband's violence and secret drug use. The other- well let's say trading alcoholism and gambling for AA might save your life, but it won't save your marriage especially when you take all the fancy electronics, empty the accounts and disappear on your very scared husband without a single word.

Both marriages died within the last week. Our friends are divorcing. One with kids, the other sadly, without. Maybe if there had been children, they could have worked it out. And us, we just had seven years.

Seven years of constant fighting, bickering, threats and non-existent apologies. Most of our friends made bets on how long we'd last. No one won. All of them underestimated the tolerance for pain we each have and our mutual tendency of avoiding things. That and we laugh.

I mentioned to hubby we should move to this little island off the coast of South America. Of course he said "No." His excuse is his parents. They're in their 70's and have each had significant health problems in recent years. He won't leave them. But even if he didn't have to worry about them, he still wouldn't leave. His roots are too deep. And that's a problem for me.

I look at our country and see something absolutely flawed to its very core. I see a country in decline. Not that we don't love our country, but we live in a culture that debases intelligence and encourages mediocrity. Athletics are worth more points than the ability to comprehend something more difficult than Harry Potter. And because of that, the current crop of kids and future generations are doomed to fail.

Frankly, they're stupid. They're little cultists. Seeing this one college girl in Ohio talk about voting absentee this week for Barack Obama (imagine a light skinned black girl with a Valley Girl voice talking about how "Awesome!" it is to get to vote for Obama in Ohio) made my stomach sour. She couldn't spell the word Constitution, but she thought voting for him was "Awesome!" complete with the little head shake.

She didn't have enough brain cells to comprehend voting isn't about picking who should be prom king, but about hiring someone for an incredibly difficult job. Let me put it this way, would you hire a guy who has never lifted the hood of a car to give you a valve job? Or hire someone who has never turned on a computer to write software? Yeah. It's that kind of thing. But hell, I expect too much. That fucking kid has never held a job. Her parents paid her way through life and now she has no concept of what real life is. I expect too much from her. She doesn't get th concept of "To whom much is given, much is expected." She has no fucking clue.

Real life is taxes, and mortgages, and sending loved ones off to a war zone. These brats don't get there are repercussions for bad decisions. You don't get to buy more life credits or hit the reset button.

Their parents have been too busy working to pay for cellphones, Ipods, laptops, Burning Man trips, Summer Abroad programs to actually parent. They have no energy to tell little Susie that "No, it's not okay to fuck your boyfriend under our roof." Or tell little Johnnie that he's not allowed to throw a tantrum in Applebees. Parents feel so guilty about working all the time that they schedule their kids to death with soccer games and basketball tournaments because then they are giving their kids everything they didn't have and it makes them feel less guilty since kiddo is getting everything, but at the same time-get this: they no longer have to actually parent. Sure, they may be on the sidelines, but the person really supervising their kid is the one with a stopwatch and a whistle. Mom and dad are but mere chauffeurs and we all know deep down how we detest the help in our society. No wonder their kids don't respect them. They are the bill paying equivalent of the towel boy at the Bellagio.

Nice houses, and nice cars, and fancy flat screen TV's and X-Box 550's or whatever aren't worth the missed time around the dinner table, family picnics, dorky bike rides in matching track suits or just screaming at each other like most good red-blooded Americans do. Our society doesn't raise good citizens. It raises holy terrors who are self-absorbed little shits.

And society cannot sustain itself or our democracy with that kind of bullshit. I think it's time to call this little experiment here in North America a failure.

Hypocrites 101

2008-07-07T14:21:00.003-05:00

My local favorite grocery store sold out to an inferior chain. To put it plainly, it's now a nasty Homeland. The prices have doubled, the meat sucks, the seafood department smells like Kevin Federline's cooch and the store is actually dirty. I swear even the carts sucked overnight. So now, I shop at Wal-Mart.

Like 100 million other Americans I now shop at Wal-Mart. It's huge, it's crowded but I dare say it's cleaner than Homeland and the prices are much better. I'm a sell-out to some but fuck 'em, they don't pay my bills and they don't have to put up with the nastiness of the other stores.

Now, I can put up with only so much bullshit. I make fun of fat people, and the infirm and even the kids of questionable ancestry and/or gender. I figure it's my right given what I have to put up with in my job every day. I even drive a minivan now. Yep. A minivan. I've even got McCain stickers on it and Air Supply in the CD player. I'm not ashamed. I'm a 30 something Midwesterner with a minivan *groan*. But as much as I am a bitch I am also a very considerate person when it comes to being in public. I only burp in beer bars where it is expected. I say "Happy Holidays" to everyone, chat up toll road cashiers, wish the McDonald's cashier a good day and I mean it. Damnit. I'm nice. I even put up my shopping cart into the appropriate cart return even if it's a half mile away and 100 degrees outside.

So Saturday morning, I get up. The sun is shining. It's a gorgeous day, it's 8:30 A.M. and I don't have a hangover. At this point, I'm in a good enough mood that I would have bought Karl Rove a blowjob from his own mother. I get through Wal-Mart. It's not too crowded, I'm there for less than 30 minutes from park to finish. The lady in the SUV next to me is loading her groceries in at the same time. She has a soccer mom sticker, and the sticker for a Christian private school on her back bumper. She's tanned, waxed and bleached. In other words, I would hate her on any given day, but not today. Today, I am in the best mood ever.

So I finish unloading my groceries and run the cart to the return just on the front side of her SUV. She finished at the same time so I was surprised to hear her car start up and see her pull out ahead of me. Then I see why.

Bitch had left her cart up next to my van.

That stooopid cunt couldn't walk ten feet to the front of her car to put the damn cart inside the metal rails.

I was livid. I was mortified that this bitch would be so inconsiderate to other drivers with their expensive ass gas guzzlers as to place a potential hazard in their way. And me... she left her cart six inches from the nose of my van.

I get back in my van, bitch at my spouse at what she had done and then he points out what I couldn't place- she had Christian pop music on the highest setting. She was rocking out to Amy Grant and thinking she was better than everyone else for it.

I slammed my car into reverse and followed her out. I contemplated aloud stalking her back to her house and confronting her. Or better yet- driving by slowly for two weeks.

Then I said fuck it. Gas is too expensive, picked up a some hotcakes and sausage and went home to mow my yard.

If I do ever see that bitch again, I will lecture her on common courtesy and how she is a hypocritical bitch. I hope her kids are there and I'm wearing my "Jesus is a Homo" shirt. Let her explain what that is to Caleb and Shante. Then let her explain how she's not a homo when they catch daddy giving it to her in the ass.

I fucking hate hypocrites.

Howie and Donna Suck Donkey Dicks

2008-03-17T14:18:00.003-05:00

Well, it's all I could think of. The fight is out of me at the moment. Not that I am not pissed at how they are fudge packing the Democratic Party ('cos I am and they are), but because it was a long week. And it's sorta redundant to keep pointing out what tools they are.

I defended Dean here a long while back, but over the last 15 months, I have seen that vertically challenged mutherfucker snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. Not forcing Bwak to re-do Michigan pisses me off. Hell, re-doing it pisses me off. Hillary won that shit fair and square. Dumbass cocksucker decided to pull out (like I wish his drunk-o daddy would have done instead of conceiving that pencil-necked mutherfucker). Bwak didn't have to get off the ballot, he chose, too. And took Edwards with him.

Poor fucking Edwards. I sorta like the guy even if he is a bit too pretty. I'm a chick and I feel like I could assfuck him. A little lube, a short reach around (and I do mean short) and a word of encouragement like "Oh, your ass is so tight on my strap-on" or 'I'll love you forever" and you know he'd be squealing like Pam Anderson riding on Tommy Lee.

My main complaint on Edwards was his being a bit late to the Progressive Beer Pong Party. His positions were 180 degrees from four years ago and like the GOP wouldn't get out their beach footwear again. You bet your life that flip-flop company stock would triple in August.

I like Hillary. I think she's got the goods. I promise this though:

If Bwak steals this nomination, if his 'bots riot or threat to riot to get this nomination- I promise you I will not only vote for McCain, but will campaign for him and donate money. He's not nearly as dirty as that Chicago-styled dipshit delaing Hopium to the masses.

Seriously.

I hate Bwak with an infinite passion. I didn't at first, but I hate his pissant little supporters so much that there is no way I'd fucking link arms with those turd burglars and sing Kumbayah. I'd rather assfuck Breck Girl.

I Like These Broads

2008-03-04T11:09:00.001-06:00

I miss Ann. I'm glad we still have Hillary. And fuck you Obamabots. In the ass.

What Was Wrong With the 80's

2008-02-21T14:34:00.001-06:00

I Need a Twelve Step Program

2007-09-21T15:09:00.000-05:00

for politics. I mean- I am watching, reading, discussing even eschewing sex for politics. WTF? Me? Of the too-damn-good-to-be-true-school-of-libidinous-activity is ignoring my hubby to live blog a fucking AARP debate.

I can't help it. I figure I have a 1 in 50 chance of getting laid and the debate is a sure thing. What would you do? Yep, you know you want to cyber circle jerk to terms like "universal health care," "alternative minimum tax," and "fiscal reponsibility." Yep. I am even addicted to starting fights elsewhere defending my candidate or at least attacking the Masters of Limp-Dicked Politics- Edwards and Obama.

I have even nicknamed the Democratic candidates by Snow White standards- with Hillary as Snow White:

Hillary and the Seven Dwarves.

Obama- Stinky
Edwards- Blinky
Kucinich- Twinky
Biden- Fighty
Dodd- Whitey
Gravel- Crotchety
Richardson- Botchety

Think about that. I actually took time to figure it out because it was funny and interesting to me.

I'm telling you. I need an intervention. I can't even leave the house to get my drink on without setting up TiVo for Hardball and Countdown. And when I get home, sloshed and pissed out of my mind, I order a cheese steak and watch my shows. Whiel I am reading the newest political blog entries.

Arghhh. I need help.

Lazy Video Day

2007-08-08T15:15:00.000-05:00

Faggotty Ass Fucking Faggot Cocksucking Asshole Mutherfuckers

2007-07-03T16:40:00.001-05:00

Wow. The Media Really Does Have It's Head Up Its Ass

2007-07-02T13:35:00.000-05:00

I haven't regularly posted in roughly six months. There are a lot of reasons for it. Drinking, working, too many things that would just be completely trite to write about, my diligent search for inner peace.... But it doesn't matter because I'm back in and I have shit to say. So stand back while I spew forth the wisdom that is The Raving Badger.

1. Elizabeth Edwards vs. Anthrax Coulter- So I saw the Hardball episode wherein Elizabeth Edwards phoned in her more than civil request for that Adam-appled skank to lay off her dead son and stop insisting the College Rethuglican fringe from killing her hubby. I've also read and seen a lot of pundits comment on why the whole showdown went down. THEY'RE ALL WRONG. This isn't just a case of Standbyyermanitis. It's a serious ploy by the Edwards campaign to accomplish two things:

a. Get rid of any ghost of John Kerry's fumbling of the Swiftboating he took up his ass when he didn't even so much as fight back; instead, choosing to listen to some namby-pamby advisers who couldn't win $10 at the Elk's Lodge Wednesday night bingo tourney. By association, Edwards became a pussy right up there with accused Franco-phile, Kerry. How better to wash that pink right out of his $400 hair cut coif than to do battle with an easy (and I do mean easy..wink wink...) target like Coulter. I almost feel sorry for Anthrax. Part of me realizes she is trying to be funny in that way only lobotomized wannabe WASP's understand, but another part of me realizes she's just a sad excuse for a walking stick exoskeleton.

b. The other and most important reason is to take away Obama's oomph when it comes to issues of political civility. Obama talks the talk, but he doesn't walk the walk. The eerily mauve lipped mutherfucker leaked the $400 haircut story on Edwards and has been mud slinging (although surreptitiously) at Clinton for almost a year now. Obama is a man-made creation of the Illinois political world. He spent 8 years as a state rep who had few balls to do anything and as a liberal Democrat only voted present on abortion issues because he didn't want the vote following him. He may be a political pragmatist, but he's just as dirty as the rest of them. The only leg up he has a presidential candidate is that he is a new player with a nice and tidy book wherein he pretends he doesn't like to play dirty. My ass. You don't get elected in the Chicago area unless you're a scrapper. Personally, I don't see anything wrong with being a scrapper, but don't pretend you're all bright and shiny when you're just as muddied up as anyone else. Edwards realizes that and has used his best asset- a smart, vivacious, mother of 4 who is publicly and bravely fighting an inoperable cancer. She is more bulletproof than the 9-11 widows Coulter attacked. She is also smarter than Coulter because she kept the message on how the Coutlers of world make the political arena a mean place that turns off the decent folks who would otherwise vote. Ah, the audacity of hope..... Seriously, Edwards now owns the message and his fundraising efforts are just an extra feather in his cap.

2. Tony Blair's Giant Fuck You to Brown- Come on. Anyone else think it's not a co-inki-dink that these London and Glasgow attacks are happening just as Brown becomes Prime Minister? The briefer admitted this morning on Paisley that they had the suspects under investigation for some time prior to the attacks this past week. Hmmm. Seeing how the UK has become one of the most heavily fortified places in the world with cameras everywhere making picking a booger without detection impossible, how did these dumbasses pull off what little they did? And why did the US, who had the Intel ahead of time about an impending Glasgow attack, not share it? Hmmm. Might it have something to do with Blair hated Brown but has his head shoved so far up Bush's ass that Bush, who owes him more than a few reach arounds, didn't pass the info along just so Brown looks like an incompetent asshole in his first week on the job???

3. Barry Bonds Deserves to be in the All Star Game- I could care less if Bonds wants to shrink his nads to the size of extra tiny La Soeur peas. The fucker can hit the ball. He may not be able to squirt, but he can hit the ball and he's a good fielder. As much as I like Keith Olberman, I disagree with him on a hatred of Bonds. Hank Aaron and the guys of his era (and even prior) all had their form of performance enhancing drugs, techniques, etc.. The Association didn't regulate well back then but the guys still looked for whatever edge they could to hit the shit out of the ball or run faster or grow giant monkey hands with which to catch the ball. It's human nature to be competitive. It's also part of the business of competitive sports. The owners expect it because the fans expect it. Stallone knew that when he wrote Drako's part in Rocky IV. Fans like the outcome- spectacular wins and amazing feats of athleticism, they just don't want to know at what cost those things happen. So long as they can pretend the guy's chest isn't 3x it's original size 5 years ago and can pawn it off on what great trainers Team X has, then they don't give a shit. Just because there's a better than even chance the guy shot up in his ass doesn't mean they now get to boo him. He did it because it was expected- by them and our whole damn culture. Oh, well. Get over it and just realize your balls are bigger than his, but the MF can still hit, run and throw.

4. Paris Hilton Got Fucked- And like last time, this was on camera, too. The judge screwed her. There is no doubt given the normal sentence given others in her similar circumstance. And this is just a powerplay between Sauer, the DA, the Sheriff and a few others who want the Sheriff's job. They should have just left the girl alone and not used her for their petty bullshit.

5. Everyone Should Have A Stripper For Their Birthday At Least Once- Strippers make people happy. They can feign embarrassment but when you're on stage getting your ass spanked by a mostly nekkid guy or gal, under that pale red of your well-intentioned/mannered blush, you are secretly saying "Oh, yeah!" Besides, birthday parties tend to suck. No one wants to be there and even the birthday boy or gal is bitching and moaning about getting older and how their life is ending. Whatthefuckever. Strippers make it better.

6. Rupert Murdoch Is A Piece of Shit- But, hey, we already knew that.

Fuck the Talking Heads. They're Empty.

2007-04-17T14:50:00.000-05:00

I was an RA when the "Ground Hog Day Massacre" happened at my university. My house was directly across the street from where they suspected a sniper to be located. My job was to get my residents out of all north facing windows, rooms and all public areas, keep all security doors secured and prevent students from exiting the building while the SWAT team moved in across the street. The info I had said there was a sniper about 20 yards from my front door. It seems like it would be an easy task, but it wasn't.

Imagine having an entire city whose average citizen age is 21. Imagine they answer to no one since they're "adults" and imagine that most of them have the common sense of a gnat. That's a college campus. It's made worse when a stressor is involved. A possible sniper didn't faze my residents or their friends. They wanted to see the action. My job was to keep them from being in harm's way. So imagine how much it sucked to have to write $50 citations to kids who thought it was cool to sneak into rooms and out windows to stand on the ledge to get a better view. I didn't want to stick my neck out and drag them out of rooms and ledges, but it was my job.

College campuses today have fairly well trained law enforcement units. They're either made up of their own squad or like my school- their own plus local LE departments. But face it: 24 armed guys who work different shifts aren't enough to cover a 26K student campus and take down a psycho with a death wish and plenty of ammo.

Those staffs, however, are trained to deal with domestic disputes on a regular basis. It's not difficult to see how they mistook the dorm shooting as a domestic dispute. There was no reason to believe the shooter was a spree shooter intent on maximizing death to innocent victims. And Keep in mind that a university has a duty to ensure chaos doesn't erupt while investigating a crime. What would have happened if they had storm sirens and had set them off? What students and staff were going to proceed in an orderly fashion where????

Now granted- there is a PR component to the whole thing I'm sure. It's not like alumni give money in droves to schools with shootings, but I doubt that controlled that response. What controlled it was preliminary information that showed that no one else was being hurt and that the first shooting that had all the hallmarks of a controlled domestic dispute. Even if they had sent out a mass broadcast, how do you shut down a 26K person town in 10 minutes? How do you make the citizens take the threat seriously? You can't.

Those students would have taken it as a skip day and congregated in lunchrooms, TV lounges, study areas, and other public places where they would have just as easily been sitting ducks. No amount of personnel, guns, SWAT gear or warnings would have prevented the shooter from doing what he wanted. It's sad, but true.

I just wish the talking heads would stop making negative stuff up. The whole situation is bad enough without blaming the officers and rescue personnel who stuck their necks out to keep people safe. They were just following tried and true procedure designed to maximize safety for the most people in a given circumstance.

Fuck the media. In the ass.

Funerals and Other Blatherings

2007-02-03T17:28:00.000-06:00

This is a post I started back at the first week of February. Sorry it took me this long to finish.

Most funerals suck. No one likes going to them and most people will rationalize a non-appearance. Today's event was no different except- it didn't suck.

I mean sure it sucked. Our friend is dead and no matter what Father O'Toole said, he ain't coming back. Shame. Life will be a lot less colorful with him gone. But, all in all, I had a good experience just enjoying see who came out to support the living left behind.

It was sorta weird for me. It was the first funeral I went to since coming out of the Atheist closet. What made it weird was being able to sit through a Catholic funeral with all the obejectivism of Marie Curie looking through a microscope. There was no anger. No sadness. Just a quiet understanding by me that religion no matter how joyous some may profess to be by adhering to it is rooted in fear of death of loss of loved ones. Or fear of one's own death. Yeah, I think that's mostly it.

Thing is I don't have any fear of an afterlife good or bad. I do fear not living my life as well as I can. Unfortunately, I don't think most people feel or think the same way.

There are people who are just schmucks. They treat everyone badly. Then there are those who would commit suicide. Maybe they're tired. Maybe they're just outwitted by life's unfortunate circumstances. Honestly, I can't blame all of them.

Now that statement isn't an endorsement of offing oneself. Far from it, but I do understand that sense of hopeless we all will encounter at some point or another in our lives. What I don't get is the people who have low threshholds of tolerance for pain. You know, the ones who off themselves because they were not elected homecoming queen or the ones distraught over Suzie Whatsherace not liking them back. To them, I say: whatever. I say the same to the folks who slowly kill themselves day in and day out by abusing themselves and those around them. Years of eating like shit and pumping your veins full of toxins counts goes in that category. Self-hatred is a powerful emotion, but so is a survival instinct.

I should know. I have spent my whole life surviving. Once, I was even hit by a police car going at high speeds. I was on my 10 speed bike. They hit me. I still remember the whole slow motion scene in my head. I can replay it at will. Fast forward. Rewind. Pause. I still remember the pause. I paused briefly when pushing down the pedal. My finer senses heard the car (which had no lights or sirens in a dark road) and for whatever reason made me pause just that brief instant. Like I was pushing down harder to gain more momentum. Instead, it slowed me that one millisecond it took to save my life from the wheels that were merely inches from my head as I hit the pavement on my left side. I remember the impact. My hip, Then my side. Then my shoulder. Then my head. And my life was saved. I walked away with just a few bruises and a back outta whack. But I was alive. And it didn't take Jesus to do it.

Maybe it's because of that that I don't get people who have no survival instinct. They don't possess some inner need to live. And it maddens me to no end to be constantly forced into some scapegoat position with them when I encounter them. The emotional blackmail that they people generate is plainly criminal. They should get holed up in some prison for every utterance along the lines of "If you don't _____, then I will _____." Fuck them. In. The. Ass.

Anyhow, back to non-appearances- life is like a funeral. You either show up, or you don't. Some will suck, some will be moderately tolerable. But sometimes, they'll be slightly enlightening and you find a bit of peace. Where ever Brodie is, I hope he has found some peace. At least with respect to religion and my former hatred of it, I have. And it's all because I recognize I don't stink of fear like those people in those pews that day.

.....At least not the fears they have. Mine are wholly my own and cannot be remedied by a once a week trip to an alter.

Is The World A Sears Store? Because It Sure Is Full of Tools

2007-02-02T20:11:00.000-06:00

I have been storing up some of this week's anger at the headlines and now feel like I should let loose. Here are a few things floating around in my head:

1. The dickhead at the Pentagon who threatened lawyers representing Guanatamo detainees has resigned. To steal a line from Green Day: good riddance. The mutherfucker ought have his bar card yanked and then be reamed by a big bear with a 14" pecker as big around as a can of pork-n-beans. No lube either.

There is never an excuse for human rights violations or shitting on our Constitution. If the mutherfucker were a real patriot, he'd know that. He'd support their efforts whole-heartedly. Shit. He'd do the right thing and make sure those detainees weren't tortured, but that be expecting a tad too much from the Republiprick.

2. I'm sick of the celebutards. I don't care who's in rehab, who's wearing panties (or not in most cases), who's passing out, crashing cars, getting charged with something or other or moving to NOLA. Hey, media moguls: Leave them alone and give us some real news. There are people in desperate situations, and science makes some cool discoveries from time to time. WTF people? Work with me here...

3. The Hubble telescope's main camera quit working. Boo. Fucking. Hoo. I'll miss the pretty pictures, too, but honestly, part of me thinks space exploration just encourages the fuckatrds to missile up space. Who wants that? The Chinese shot down a satellite last week and no one's saying a GD word (see No. 2). And then there was another "Star Wars" missile defense test this week. I'm starting to think the Chinese aren't so dumb even though they don't know what the fuck rubbers are. I'd want a system of my own as long as Darth Cheney still roams the Earth like some great undead demon.

4. Mary Cheney deserved the assfucking she got from Dan Savage and then some. Her response to media inquiries about her hypocrisy about gay marriage and adoption was bullshit. She fucking brought it on herself. She encouraged the right wingnuts in their zealous hatred of all things lavender mafia and now, as a lesbian mom-to-be, she suddenly gets it: that it's not okay to fuck with people's families for political gain. Fuck her and the Log Cabin Republicans, too. They should all have their Pottery Barn cards and Softball Hall of Fame season passes permanently yanked.

5. Joe Biden is a putz, but he's not a racist putz. And the reporter who wrote up that quote needs to learn a thing or two about punctuation. It sure makes a difference, fuckwads. And for any of the talking heads out there: do any of you seriously consider the candidacy of Carol Mosely-Braun or Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton mainstream? If you say "yes," you're a goddamn liar. I don't believe 3% or less of the vote calculates to "mainstream." Do you?

6. The world lost a good guy this last week. Phillip Michael Brodie. His death will be felt by many folks I know. Here's toasting him with a "Hello, Princess" and a pint of Guiness.

Collision Course, My Ass

2007-01-26T22:45:00.000-06:00

I keep seeing these headlines talking about Bush being on a collision course with Congress. As Buttercup would say, "Whatever." The mutherfucker needs to have had fewer collision courses with brick walls when he was a young tyke. Obviously, it's made him a fucking 'tard.

I was watching CNN this morning when it dawned on me what a fucking disappointment he must be for his daddy. I bet his daddy even regrets squirting in his mama that night he was conceived in the traditional missionary style favored by 10 out of 10 WASPS. I bet he wishes he had just pulled out and gave her a real pearl necklace instead. Or better yet, maybe he should have been around more when Junior was growing up. Then maybe the little asshole wouldn't have such serious dick size issues. He'd know it's okay for a Caucasian man to have a small pecker and wouldn't have to go around headbutting his frat brothers and invading sovereign nations.

Then there's the whole daddy issue thing rearing its ugly head in the sneering face of Unca' Dick Cheney's face. (Quick! Someone inform Burgess Meredith's ghost so he can sue the piss poor excuse of a VP for ripping off his trademarked sneer.) I guess Dubya really wanted to get back at daddy dear by choosing the one asshole who hated his daddy most to listen to. Jesus. I have heard of Oedipal Complex issues but this one takes the cake. And just for the record, judging from the size of mama's knockers and Laura's too, he'd be what my best friend from law school would call a titty baby. Freak....

Anyhow, back to the collision couse shit... Nancy Pelosi and Company have his number and good 'ole Chuck Hagel is pressing redial. Speaking of Chuck, he's a major tool. No doubt about it, but he makes for good soundbites. His line about his fellow senators playing it safe and keeping their mouths and opinions to themselves on Iraq should be selling shoes is freaking priceless.

Pelosi is most awesome and I cannot wait to see the Senate step up and be what the House is becoming which is uber responsible and progressive in all the right ways. It's so nice after the do nothing Congress of yesteryear. I hope she calls his bluff and cuts off his funding. Maybe not specifically for the troops but certainly for the all the bullshit "reconstruction" pork barrel. Maybe they could cut off his Secret Service funding? He's such a chickenshit, he'd fold just to have an armed guard protect his tiny, shrivelled up pecker. And he's stooopid. He's forgotten the first rule of politics, if you're gonna challenge someone to a duel, you better have some bullets and you better shoot straight. He's got no political capital and no credibility.

He's fucked.

Hodge Podge

2007-01-23T22:55:00.000-06:00

Things have been super busy at home and work, so I haven’t gotten to post new stuff as often as I would like. Still, there has been a bunch of mumbo jumbo floating around in my head.

1. The best reality show in the land is “Rob & Big” on MTV2. It stars a white professional skateboarder and his best friend and security guy who happens to be a gigantic black guy. They get up to funny stuff with their odd assortment of friends and their skateboarding bulldog named Meaty. In each thirty minute episode, they do more for race relations and manly friendship than one hundred “I Have a Dream” speeches and a ‘Butch Cassidy and Sundance Kid” marathon combined. Great stuff. Check it out.

2. Scooter Libby must know a pardon is not in the works because he’s sure throwin’ Karl Rove and company under the proverbial bus. Good stuff. Checkout Firedoglake.com for a running live commentary directly from the trial. The FDL folks got press credentials and have a lot of legal and political knowledge which makes it more interesting than the mothballed crap trotted out by the mainstream press.

3. Chris Moore is still the funniest author in the land.

4. Chantix is the best anti-smoking medication on the market. Pfirst Pfizer puts out Viagra and now they take away our post sex smoke. Counter-intuitive, huh?

5. Bush still sucks. The only person who may suck more would be Joe Lieberman. Here’s a giant “FUCK YOU” to the voters in Connecticut. You guys are fucking tools.

6. McCain is a moron. He’s pushing for escalation in Iraq. Screw this “surge” bullshit. It’s an escalation in troops. It’s an escalation in hostilities and frankly just a bunch of empty posturing towards Iran. When will these fuckwad hawks get the message that the US’s military is not in shape to run an occupation with guerilla warfare in Iraq and build up towards bombing the shit out of Iran while dealing with North Korea’s crap? And when will we get an honest response about China’s move to boldly go where no one has gone before? Shooting down satellites in space with missiles in space? That sounds a wee bit more serious than all the bullshit chest thumping going on elsewhere. do any of these assholes have a dick at all?

7. We need serious medical industry reform. The pricks in DC need to get their hand out of Big Pharma and the medical and insurance lobbyists’ pockets…

8. There is a trend in young women to be bi or lesbian. And they act like sexual predators. Okay. Without the roofies. But still, it’s a bit disconcerting. I thought women were supposed to hit their sexual peak and be large in charge starting in their 30’s not their teens and 20’s.

9. “Ugly Betty” is funny as hell and very well-made. Congrats to America Ferrer and the whole cast and staff.

10. Ilene Chaiken’s ‘The L Word” is a waste of television bandwidth. The first season was awesome and now the rest of it has been a big letdown.

11. Snow days can suck or they can be full of warm gooey food and lots of cuddling with large, gassy Boston Terriers.

12. The Killers are a great fucking band and “Sam’s Town” is the best album I’ve listened to in the last three years right up there with Green Day’s “American Idiot” and the Dixie Chicks’ “Taking the Long Way.” And their videos are neater than hell.

13. Corrine Bailey or whatever her name is (I think I missed one in there somewhere) might be a sweet girl, but she’s overrated. She’s this year’s Nora Jones who by the way has a new album out that leaves a lot to be desired…

14. At this point, the Democratic race is between Edwards and Clinton. Obama is a flash in the pan. And he has weird lips. They’re like mauve or something. He says lot of nice things, but he hasn’t the experience at this point. He reminds me of this guy named Chad from my freshman year at college- a bit premature.

Talk About Smart Moves

2007-01-03T13:48:00.000-06:00

So there's this cracker asshole (sorry to all the crackers this causes public torment for) who's making a big to-do about the new Muslim member of the House, named Ellison being sworn in with a Koran. I say big fucking deal. The swearing in is ceremonial and the guy's entitled to his religion even if it does make bacon off limits (but bacon is goooooood).

Anyhow, Ellison has been awfully classy about the whole thing and in a political move straight out of Compton just broke it off in the guy's ass. He's using Thomas freakin' Jefferson's copy of the Koran.

Fucking righteously sweet.

At Least The British Have Balls

2006-12-26T14:09:00.000-06:00

I never thought I'd utter that phrase, but seriously- at least they have the balls to do the right thing. Not only are they getting out of Iraq by 2008, but they just freed 127 men from certain death at the hands of the Iraqi police in Basra.

What gets me is that the abuses were quite obvious. That means the US commanders know it is going on and have known for some time. Yet---- they didn't go in and rescue those poor guys. That tells me they are a hateful, racist bunch and/or that doing something would have not been politically expedient because it would have admitted that the Iraqi forces aren't ready to take over and that many of them should be shot in the town square like feral dogs.

I say fuck politically expedient.

Do the right thing mutherfuckers.

What I hate most about the Bush administration is how we went from a nation of people that always tried to do the right thing to a bunch of pansy-assed-cocksuckers. Why did it it take British forces doing what we should have done? What we should have prevented?

Unfortunately, I bet there were some US soldiers there wanting to do the right thing and then they were held up by their own brass. Ain't that a kick in the head.

On an even dimmer note- we've surpassed the casualty figures from 9-11 with our war dead in Iraq. For some reason I'm sure the dead Iraqi's and dead contractors and dead soldiers form other nations aren't being figured in.

Fuck Bush. Viva le balls.

Bah Freakin' Humbug

2006-12-21T15:44:00.000-06:00

I'm really hating the holidays this year. I have scoffed at attending any of the dozen or so parties we've been invited to. I guess I like those people well enough, I'm just not in the Christmas spirit.

First, I'm pissed at the fucking Christian mafia here in Okieland for screwing with the holiday parade. They actually made death threats against the volunteer board who oversaw the holiday parade here. WTF?

Bastards. They're fucking great in showing their allegiance to Christ, huh? What fucking Bible are they reading? Jesus' Guide to Hate and War??? I say fuck them all in the ass and a pox upon their houses. They don't have one friggin' clue what this holiday means.

And then there's this whole constant barrage of commercials trying to sell me everything from jewelry to cards to gift certificates to electronics to clothes to supersized buttplugs. There are special early bird specials and midnight door busters. Tell you what- unless I get a rim job and a free bottle of Tuaca, my ass ain't getting out of bed to go into further debt for a fake ass holiday. Hell, make it two rim jobs...

And there's also the thing about our men and women in uniform and their families being half a world away for no good reason at all. And the poor innocent Iraqis. And the James Kim family. And the families of those three hikers on Mt. Hood. This will be a lousy holiday for them. Why should I get to enjoy myself when they're dealing with death and dismemberment and such? Why shouldn't we all feel their tragedy just a little bit?

Anyhow, I'll send some prezzies to my nieces and nephews and a few select others, but my normal list of 60+ will be whittled down to less than 20 this year. No one will notice and no one will care and I'm okay with that.

Anyhow- happy holidays and fuck the Christian mafia. May they all be fucked in the ass by huge Muslim black men named Tyrique. And may I have the Internet rights....

Bump This

2006-12-11T11:38:00.000-06:00

From a lawyer buddy of mine who's way too savvy with PC's to make me feel comfortable a list of bumpersticker phrases. I've seen some of these before but a few were just too good not to post here. (Bite me. I've been busy.)

Bush Bumper Stickers
1/20/09: End of an Error
That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway
Let's Fix Democracy in This Country First
If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran
Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.
If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President (Personal fave.)
Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant
Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet? (Another personal fave.)
George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight
Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blowjobs Anymore
America: One Nation, Under Surveillance
They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It
Who's God Do You Kill For?
Cheney/Satan '08
Jail to the Chief
No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq?
Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap
Bad President! No Banana.
We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language
We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them
Is It Vietnam Yet?
Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either
Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?
You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.
Impeach Cheney First
Dubya, Your Dad Shoulda Pulled Out, Too
When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46
Pray For Impeachment (And another fave.)
The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century
What Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?
One Nation Under Clod
2004: Embarrassed
2005: Horrified
2006: Terrified
Bush Never Exhaled
At Least Nixon Resigned

Fuck. That Sucks

2006-12-06T16:03:00.000-06:00

I've been switching over to CNN and Google News for the last several days hoping there'd be an update about James Kim, the senior CNET.com editor missing in the Oregon wilderness.

They just found him dead.

I'd really pulling for him and his family. I dunno why exactly. Maybe it was his easy smile or the way he and his wife and kids just- fit. Hearing about his resourcefulness and devotion to his wife and children's safety was pretty amazing. I oft wondered over the last few days if my own hubby would fight me for the stale 1/2 a Twix bar lodged between my console and my seat if such an ordeal befell us. I suspect he would. And that I would hit him with a tire iron. Not because I wouldn't want him to have it. I would. But because he'd want it more than he'd want me to have it. Call it spite. I'm not James Kim.

If anyone out there is having a quiet moment, keep James Kim and his family and friends in your thoughts. I know I will.

On a Scale of 1 to 10....

2006-12-04T12:31:00.000-06:00

I hate my job about a 30. I cannot stand anything I do anymore and really don't give two shits about helping people. I want out.

I want my hubby to understand I'd rather eat arsenic than come to the office any more. I'd rather cut open my own asshole with a broken bottle than listen to one more of my whiny ass clients and deal with another screwed up judge whose idea of justice has more to do with campaign contributions than doing the right thing. I'm tired of my stomach being upset and having constant headaches. My hair is gray, I've gained weight and I am unhappy to the point of paralysis.

I hate my job. I hate being in my office and I hate feeling like if I don't stick with this profession, I'm letting my husband down. I'm starting to rather be alone than continue working at something that makes me this goddamn miserable.

And if you're my client reading this: Screw you for making my life hell with your incessant whining and inability to take responsibility for your self.....

How To Know When You Have A Problem

2006-11-29T13:27:00.000-06:00

This is for the girls. We know the story and it's a doozy but in an effort to protect the guilty (or innocent) I shall not retell it here. But in honor of the story I post this:

Vibrators Anonymous

Do you have a problem with vibrators? Only you can answer that question for yourself. However, taking the following quiz may help to put your relationship to vibrators in perspective for you. If you end up answering "yes" to three or more questions, you may want to take a good look how your life is affected by vibrators.

Have you missed classes or work because of vibrators?

Do you have trouble refusing vibrators?

Do you need vibrators in order to have fun at a party?

Do you use vibrators to build up your self-confidence?

Do you use vibrators to help you relax?

Have you tried to give up vibrators and failed?

Do you crave vibrators as soon as you wake up?

Do you get into trouble because of vibrators?

Do you crave vibrators at a definite time daily?

Do you lie to others about how often you partake in vibrators?

Have you gotten into financial difficulties because of vibrators?

Do you often wish people would just mind their own business about you and vibrators?

Remember, there are people who can help you control vibrators, instead of vibrators controlling you.

Another Letter From Coburn

2006-11-20T07:55:00.000-06:00

I do write elected officals. I feel it is necessary to remain vocal and in contact with them. If not to remind them of who they "work" for, but to keep myself in the game so to speak.

Tom Coburn is generally a putz, but a few months back he co-authored a bill putting together a searchable database for spending bills. It's called the "Federal Funding Accountability and Transparency Act." I wrote him in support of his work on the bill an for him calling out Mr. Bridge to Nowhere Ted Stevens for putting an anonymous hold on the bill. Here's his response:

November 15, 2006

The Raving Badger
123 Any Street
Anytown, USA 12345

Dear Raving Badger,
Thank you for contacting me regarding the Federal Funding Accountability and Transparency Act of 2006. I appreciate your kind words of encouragement.
The Federal Funding Accountability and Transparency Act of 2006, now federal law, creates a Google-like search engine and database to track approximately $1 trillion in federal grants, contracts, earmarks and loans. The bill will cost $15 million over the next 5 years. Meaning that on average the database will cost $3 million a year.
This legislation will reduce wasteful spending by empowering every American to be a citizen investigator capable of holding the government accountable for spending decisions. I believe that the savings from this bill far outweigh the cost.
Thank you for your principled opposition to wasteful federal spending. I am pleased to see that the American public is paying attention to our current fiscal situation.
Sincerely, A
Tom A. Coburn, M.D.
United States Senator

WTF's Wrong With People???

2006-11-17T14:11:00.000-06:00

So a bunchof dumbass geeks stood in the rain for 3 days in Buttfuck, Washington and bought a Sony PS3. BFD is what I say. They should have been studying or getting laid. But what in god's name gives them the right to ask 8 grand for a fucking video game system and 5 games??? And why the fuck would anyone pay that???

Seriously.

Someone has a winning bid in right now. And it closes in 18 hours. Gee, I hope they win their bid.

So I had checked out the ebay listings 'cos I thought CNN was full of shit. Turns out there are a whole lotta systems on there for thousands of dollars. One was listed at 15K. No. Seriously. 15 fucking grand?!?

Why the fuck would anyone pay thousands of dollars for a fucking game? You can put a downpayment on a house or a car or pay for a semester or two of college. You could get your dick sucked like a few hundred times in some neighborhoods I know. Isn't a blowjob better than sitting in your skidmarked skivvies getting half a chub over some Dark Overlord or hitting a better tee shot than Tiger Woods???

What ever happened to kids being pushed out the front door by their folks to go play in the street with the other similarly situated kids? What ever happened to valuing life over owning a goddamn video game console? Eight grand would feed a whole lotta people somewhere or stock a school house with books someplace. Talk about having missplaced fucking priorities.

We fucking deserve the ire of every kid in a third world country who's forced to labor in a plant somewhere making those GD machines and the Nikes we wear while watching them. We pretty much suck and keep sucking more and more each year.

Our country (and Japan) is filled with fucking self-centered morons who get fatter with each passing day as they laze around not giving a shit about raping the environment or raping some kid named Pichu in a factory somewhere. Goddamn. We suck. I can't blame anyone for hating Americans right now. We're certainly not as brave or as diligent about having some selfworth as our grandparents. All we give a shit about is what is in front of our face. And if we don't like what we see, we can always flip the channel to one of the 247 other channels available in our bundle package.

Oh, and before I forget: I just want to point out that George Bush finally showed up for duty in Vietnam today. Too bad it's 35 years too late. If he had shown up on time, maybe we'd have a real president rather than that fuckwad with cottage cheese for brains. May he rot in hell along with all the fat fucks playing PS3 right now or contemplating buying Wii in a few weeks.

The Death of My Alterblog

2006-11-15T10:41:00.000-06:00

Russ Feingold's announcement that he's not running for president in 2008 has saddened me. Last year, I reserved a name for a Feingold for President blog. He's now dashed my hopes of having a president with balls, class, respect for our democracy and some goddamn brains. But hey, we still have Hillary.

In the absence of my hands down favorite, my early front runner is Hillary Clinton. She's been vilified by the Rethuglicans for ages just because she has the guts to speak her mind (Oh heavens!!). I'm sick of the Phyllis Schlaflys of the world and wish them a painful uterine disease. Their bullshit allegiance to some antiquated notion that women can't be strong leaders and hard-nosed fighters because of the singular trait of having a uterus angers me beyond words. Tits and follopian tubes don't make us weaker by any stretch of their Missionary style only imaginations.

Hillary Clinton isn't a perfect candidate (she isn't RussFeingold *sigh*). BUT- her record in the Senate shows her to be fiscally conservative, able to work in a bipartisan fashion for the good of the nation and that she doesn't believe in soundbite politics that have ruled since the mid-90's when the GOP floated that fraud of a Contract On America. She believes in freedom of choice and has worked tirelessly her whole adult life to better the lives of children and the poor. She has been a proponent of education being just one major tool in our arsenal in the war on poverty and drugs. I like her. I like her ability to forgive Big Dog for not keping it in his pants. I respect the fact she threw a lamp at him over the blowjob incident- it means she has some fire and really does have a deep-seated sense of family and loyalty. Clearly, she doesn't give up even when embarassed like she was. Good for her.

When it comes to the other candidates, I just can't compromise to vote for them. Those who are anti-choice. Those who are homophobic. Those who harp on family values instead of recognizing that a statesman's job isn't to impress upon us his or her religious views, but instead to provide for the common defense of our nation and to provide a foundation so that all Americans can grow and prosper. In other words, whatever fucker wants to be a contender better get back to the message of the Trumans, the Jeffersons and those who drafted the GD Declaration of Independence and Constitution. They better goddamn understand the job description the way it was intended instead of trying to be uniters and bullshit.

That shit just doesn't fly with me, but Hill's does. So far.

In a Tizzy

2006-11-13T12:18:00.000-06:00

My friend Jim says I need to chill out a bit because I am displaying a lot of hostility towards the GOP and it's apologists/shills. He's right. Since the election, you figure I'd be ecstatic- in a constant state of near orgasm. Not a chance. Quite the opposite actually. I'm finally releasing all of my pent up anger at being kicked around for 6 years and accused of not being patriotic enough. I say unto those who've accused me and other like-minded individuals of being traitors and communists and whatever other words they want to throw out there- fuck you in the ass with a long ungreased telephone pole full of splinters.

Okay, that's off my chest now. Whew. I feel better. Not.

Anyhow, I hope Pelosi is bright enough to keep the ethically challeged members of the Democratic Caucus out of positins of power- say.... like committee chairmanships or 2nd in command. Unfortunately, she won't be. She is put in the untennable position of trying to solidify her power base and make Dems look tougher than Clint Eastwood at a NRA convention on the issues of Iraq and National Security. Sadly, that means having Murtha near the top rung. Too bad. I like him, but his ethics problems will hurt the party long term. Maybe he'll have a heart attack or something and bow out before the 2008 elections or a major lobbying scandal erupts.

That being said, I'm taking a hiatus from drinking for a bit. I had what some might say is too much fun on Saturday. Hangovers are the least of one's problems when they can't keep their mouth shut. I, unfortunately, am not known for avoiding the 800 lb. gorilla in any room and usually go running up to it with a baseball bat and a pink lipstick yelling as Grasshopper would say "WOOT! WOOT! WOOT!." Not too bright. Besides, I have a ton of stuff to get done in the next two weeks before I travel to visit my family for Gravy Day (I fucking love, love, love gravy!).

Three weeks left in NCAA football. Go Gators! And stop giving me heart attacks. It drives me to drink.....

Jeebus, Why Did Kerry Say That?!?

2006-11-01T12:51:00.000-06:00

John Kerry is an unelectable dolt. Seriously, WTF was he thinking (or not thinking) when he made that crack about "get good grades or you'll be cannon fodder." Yuck. Yuck. Yuck.

It was a stupid remark, but this feigned outrage is pure bullshit. I flipped through the cable news shows this AM with hubby sitting by my side and said, "Watch this." Sho' 'nuff Lynne Cheney was being given the kidd glove treatment by Andrea Mitchell on MSNBC, CNN was making shit up about "the outrage" in between running old ass polls on the Ford vs. Corker race, and FAUX, of course, was running "All John Kerry. All the Time." I swear I flipped through 10 times in 30 minutes and it was John fucking Kerry all the fucking time. Not once. Not once, did they interupt to say anything about North Koreans asking for the freeze on their bank accounts to be lifted, or the fact that the DoD is asking for a 10% increase in troops in Iraq, or the fact that over 100 men and women from our armed forces died in Iraq last month for some still unknown fucking reason.

Fuck them. And fuck John Kerry for getting us away from those subjects by opening his big, dumb mouth again and inserting his own ass (nice parlor trick BTW). We shouldn't be talking about his inept ass, we should be talking about serious stuff like why many housing markets have experienced a 20-35% drop in value in the last eight goddamn months and how many home owners are overextended and looking at foreclosure. I could give two shits about whether JK said something stupid, but I do care about an impending jobless and homeless rates that will make the Reagan era look like a goddamn golden age.

Only one good thing will come from this: John Kerry won't muddy the presidential waters for the Democrats. Even better, a fellow Democrat didn't have to do it, thus, making us all look like infighting, inbred, shrill twits. Bravo! Now if John McCain will just get tripped up by his own blathering, asskiss incompetence, we might stand a chance of getting a decent president in 2008.

Anyhow. Don't forget to vote. Make sure you know where your polling place is and what its hours of operation are. Make sure you know who the candidates are and what initiatives are on your ballot. Don't wait until you get there and then say "Eeney, meaney, miney, mo." That shit's wrong. Oh, and make sure to take ID. Two forms if your skin color is anything darker than soft ivory. The Gestapo's Oldass Prickmeisters are watching.....

Reaffirming My Own Sense of Debauchery

2006-10-18T13:48:00.000-05:00

I have a sick mind. Anyone who has known me more than five minutes can affirm that. I didn't realize how sick until I started checking out my statcounter visitor map and looking at the referring IP addresses. The stuff that comes up is amazing. Google something odd and chances are you'll get me.

Tennis ass.
Faggot ass faggot.
Janice Dickinson slag bimbo.
Rumphumpers.

The newest? "Yeager Blaster." One of my favorite drinks when I'm getting shitty with my peeps. Not only "yeager blaster," but I AM FIRST ON THE GODDAMN LIST.

HOLY SHIT!!!

I so totally love it, but I have to admit I wanted to be the only one on the list. I refined my search:

"yeager blaster tuaca assfucking"

I'm the only thing on the list.

BTW, Grasshopper, ""jaeger blaster tuaca assfucking edgar legal shark gut-busting fart shit pants too-smart-for-her-own-good broke-foot diarrhea of the mouth okie" doesn't work.

And for Deborah, it wasn't me that found the jury instructions for 'illegal entry" funny. That was you, god bless you.

OUJI-CR 5-16

ILLEGAL ENTRY - ELEMENTS

No person may be convicted of illegal entry unless the State has proved beyond a reasonable doubt each element of the crime. These elements are:

First, entering;

Second, an erection;

Third, of another;

Brit Hume and Bill Kristol- Limp-Dicked Parasites

2006-10-16T14:02:00.000-05:00

I was running through Crooks and Liars today at lunch and saw this piece about Hume and Kristol advocating the US taking a unilateral approach to North Korea and Iran and all I could think was:

WTF??? Do these guys use war footage for mastubatory purposes??? Say it ain't so.

It just seems that they get awfully excited when they talk about dropping bombs on the Middle East or some other imagined boogeyman. Seriously, they fidget in their seats, get flushed and their pupils dilate. I bet if we peeked under that formica topped desk, we'd find their sporty wood in all their two inch glory or a wet spot (especially if they start using terms like "detainee" or "RPG" or "Howzer") on the front of their Dockers. It's like a FCC/DoD produced smut film.

And I won't even get started about O'Reilly. Talk about creepy. That monster can inspire the use of birth control just by projecting that creepy smile or pointing that boney finger.

Ick.

There's something seriously sexually wrong with the Republican party and its pundits. Can't they just get off on regular tits and jizz type stuff? Does it always have to be little kids, death and dismemberment or voyeurism while thinking about Bill Clinton's cock?

That's some fucked up shit.

A Not So Blast From the Past

2006-10-12T13:44:00.000-05:00

There's a lot I miss about college. I miss learning something new every day. I miss being open to new experiences and meeting people constantly, but I don't miss the emotional insecurity and immaturity cloaked in a veil of "deepness."

I call those the "weirder than thou's." They smell bad, don't wash their hair or clothing and generally think patchouilly is the shit. They also tend to wallow in their own self-centered ness and speak in metaphors that they don't even understand for two basic reasons : 1) the utter lack of trying, and 2) their utter lack of experience. I at least bathed regularly, wore clean clothes and loathed all forms of incense. Yuck.

I'm now 11 years removed from my college experience and 8 from law school. I'll tell you life is a good deal weirder than I expected. Most of it's filled with the nonsense that eats up our days and drives us into the blahs. And then occasionally there's a spark. You slow down long enough to appreciate the first brisk winds of Fall and how the air just smells diffferent from the day before. And then sometimes, you're just sitting in your office trying to be good. Trying to do your work, but getting lost in the minutia. And you're listening to Pandora.com and a song comes on that brings back a flurry of times and smells and sounds from what was once a lifetime ago, but is now two lifetimes ago.

The song that came on was FM Static's "Tonight." I don't know what line it was that snagged me out of my daze but I was suddenly reminded of people I haven't seen in 12, 13 years. Of moments that hurt so bad because I hadn't hardened myself yet, of feelings that I have long (and thankfully) forgotten how to wrap myself up in. It also reminded me of silly moments with wonderful friends who were just as screwed up as I was in that juvenile "I'm so smart, I know everything" way.

It was innocent and contrived and so damned honest. We know better now. We don't cry over bad dates or a B on an exam. We don't shudder in drunken fear under a Cypress tree overthinking our futures and the impending shove into the real world that comes with graduation. And only occasionally do we get to laugh at some misspoken word and reduce ourselves to blithering idiots.

The song wasn't that great, but neither was my extended adolescence. It left me with the occasional ability to freeze up in the worst of moments, overthink the small stuff and bottle up the big stuff. Some may look at those as faults, but I'm getting okay with them as I age. Those little "growing pains" still remind me I'm alive and have a lot of ground to cover before I am through.

The Upside of Being An Old Fart

2006-10-11T13:58:00.000-05:00

I read an article in a 6 month old Newsweek today as I ate my lunch about how black women doctors have a hard time being taken seriously as doctors. There were exapmles of patients asking for the real doctor or even refusing treatment unless it was from a white guy in a white coat. Pretty sad in many ways until the last example was of an 80-something year old man who stared at the doctor interviewed while she did something with his IV. She thought it was something bad until he said, "It must have been hard. Black. And a woman."

His insight and ability to be at peace with himself and not internalize all the crappy prejudices floating about (or let them go as he matured and became less insecure with himself) was pretty awesome. Moreover, it's not entirely rare in my experince of old farts.

Now, that's not saying there aren't some crotchety ass fools who become absolute monsters as their fear of the impending Reaper grows exponentially with every cough or dizzy spell. They exist, too. And boy do I hate those mean fuckers, but the old guys who can laugh at their youthful indiscretions and admit they were wrong once upon a time- they kinda get me all choked up.

Those are the guys my mother grew up with. They'd sit around the cracker barrel playing dice or checkers and drink warm Coca-Cola or Grape Nehi from a bottle and poke fun at one another. They were the guys you knew would have a bottle of hooch hidden somewhere from the missus or would be in constant trouble for missing church to go fishing. They had learned "the secret" somewhere along the way and werent assholes about sharing it.

They just didn't give a shit about what anyone else thought about them. And that very act of relinquishing all need for external validation freed them up to experinence empathy and compassion for those around them. For the old farts, the phrase "walk a mile in someone else's shoes" means something. They don't give two shits about skin color of the doctor, but they do wonder how tough it must have been for her to get there and give her the respect she deserves for her accomplishment and apparent character.

That's pretty damn nice. And more than a slight bit zen.

I hope I can be like that one day, but I suspect I will be the crotchety ass fool for no other reason than bitching can be fun and I'm damn good at it.

Trump's Either Full of Shit or Retarded

2006-10-10T14:29:00.000-05:00

I saw where Donald Trump referred to Angelina Jolie in an interview with Larry King. He's reported to have said, "I just don't even find her attractive"...

Okay. It's time to get out the big guns for the guardianship hearing over him and his assets. Obviously the man is freaking demented. I mean: who doesn't find Angelina Jolie attractive?????

Hell, Friday night I was sitting on a friend's back deck having a few beers talking to her and my best friend, Johnny, and AJ came up. We all agreed without a hint of embarassment or homophobia that we all think she's hot. Hell, we'd even switch teams because she's so hot. Well, not Johnny, he already batting for that team.... (he got to see Heidia Klum and her supermodel friends a few days earlier and I swear he's still sporting a chubby)

Yes, I like guys. That's been established for a several of decades now. So does my friend, but how can either of us truthfully deny the hot-tudiness of Angelina Jolie? How could we even consider turning down AJ for some hot nekkid sex? We couldn't for no other reason than in terms of looks she's the Mt. Everest of the current celebrity crowd. And we'd be lying if we said otherwise. Shit. Even my grandmother would do Angelina Jolie and I doubt she's had the urge to have sex in over twenty years.

The rundown on Angelina:

Not too skinny?

Check.

Not too pale?

Check.

BJL's?

Check.

Fiery eyes?

Check.

Throaty voice?

Check.

I might rather be friends with Jennifer Aniston, but if I'm switching teams, it will be for Team Jolie.

Look, Trump's lying his ass offto keep out of divorce court or he's plainly mental. If it's the latter, his family members are welcome to call me to commence guardianship proceedings. My number's in the book.

There's A Panic At the Disco

2006-10-09T13:59:00.000-05:00

The news is a mess these days. I saw the North Korea thing late last night on the Internet and switched over from "Freak Show" to see the breaking news. Needless, to say hubby was less than impressed with Kim Jong Il. I was even less impressed with "Freak Show." It reminds of a bad "Home Movies." (What can I say? We're bitchy people.)

Anyhow, I sat there watching the updates in between the Cocktober Surprise stuff, and it just dawned on me that there's less than a month until we go to the polls. Normally, there's a cohesive message coming out of the Democrats and Republicans, but this time, there's not. It's.... just fucking surreal.

The House leadership is falling all over itself to keep the press confused while at the same time starting meaningless Ethics Committee investigations, the Democrats are at best sitting back smirking (although I have to hand it to Pelosi for keeping Louis Freeh outta this mess. Finally, she grows a pair...), and the White House is too busy fighting a war of words with Bob Woodward over his insider hit job with "State of Denial." And the polls! Shit, the polls are showing Democrats as being the preferred party this time and that Republicans aren't doing so hot in the national security credibility department. WTF? That's like saying Liza Minelli is sober.

My pol pal and I were talking about the Coctober Surprise/Iraq quagmire/Woodward book and how the whole the mess just seemed like it was straight out of a Clooney film. In a real sense, it is the perfect storm. And although I do possess a great amount of schadenfreude, I don't see the real upside.

See, for me, the Democrats need to have a cohesive message. For too long, party leaders have bent over and asked to be fucked in the ass by the GOP and in return just state, "Thank you, sir. May I have another?" I hate that kind of weak-hearted, pussy bullshit. We have allowed DINO's into our midst (especially over the Lewinsky blowjob non-scandal) and they have ruptured the spine of the Democratic party. And that rupture has festered with all those smelly mutherfuckin' Greenies. Now that we're looking at a majority in both the Senate and House, it is time to take stock of these DINO's and hippie wannabes and bring them back to the table. Make them toe the line while at the same time finding suitable replacements.

I know that's a tough task since state politics have more to do with fashioning national candidates, but fuck it. We have to strengthen our resolve to find good candidates. I'm not talking about the bullshit straw man Democratic candidate burned in effigy by the GOP for the last 30 years. I'm talking about straight talking, honest everyday Americans who have the time and intelligence to study issues and fashion results based solutions. Hopefully, Howard Dean's plan to beef up the state party systems is working because we need it more than ever. If the plan's not working, we'll be doomed to failure like the 1994 GOP which was loaded with so much much promise (well, promise if you're a Nazi).

If the Rethuglicans did one thing wrong in the last 12 years, it's the following: they fielded morons who looked good in photos. (Seriously, have you read the IM's, e-mails, letters to the Editor, etc? GD. Duke Cunningham is a literal moron. It's sort of hard to believe the government put in him a multi-million dollar plane, gave him bombs and then subsequently the keys to the Treasurery. And Ney, and Delay, and Reed, and Norquist?) Those guys had no party allegiance, no vision of their own and certainly not enough upstairs to not take short cuts in tehir pursuit for more campaign donations and crappy ass awards.

Fuck that, I could care less if the candidate looked like Steve Buscemi. If the asshole can read, write and has opposable thumbs, he/she is a possible candidate. If they also happen to have a very deep-seated sense of right and wrong and a more than basic understanding of the Constitution, well, then god damn, swear them in.
Otherwise, we'll be back in this same situation with Americans not trusting their government and the GOP will be back worse than ever.

Electing rats of either party is not something we can afford to do any longer because in the face of real adversity, all they'll do is scurry away.

I'm Soooooo Trying Not To Laugh

2006-10-03T11:02:00.000-05:00

As the dumbass GOP party leaders throw each other under the proverbial bus. seriously, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know this Congressional page scandal is bad news. For everyone. Hell, if you're one of the good guys who has never done anything remotely wrong and you have an "R" behind your name, you look like you're keeping company with the scummiest dickheads on the planet. The very fact they didn't report this to all of the page committee members (3 in all), and reported it to the head of fundraising and the House Speaker (a/k/a "Mr. Big") proves they weren't concerened with the welfare of these kids but only with containing the political fallout.

Here's my take on it:

1. We'll see no less than three resignations other than Mr. Ped himself.

2. The gay bashing thing will come back with some serious force as a way to divert attention away from the fact they covered it up. FOR A LONG TIME.

3. The Democrats will retake the House. And then some.

4. The cover-up is far worse than the offense. We'll see one indictment if the state governments are allowed to do anything and the feds don't just sweep it under the rug.

5. Tom DeLay will have his hand in this somewhere.

6. Foley was being blackmailed to give more money to the RNC, etc. and to vote however they wanted him to.

7. A huge blackmail schee will be revealed. There are more victims and more perps and chances are- everyone on the Hill knows who they are but so long as they don't get busted and pay their checks to the Party and vote the way the powers that be want- they're safe.

8. Alcoholism is the new black. It doesn't matter what crime you commit, rehab is your get out of jail free card.

9. The Press will stop being a bunch of pussies. For about 5 minutes.

10. The religious right will try to pull it together, but will fail. The GOP will officially lose it's Christian Conservative base.

11. Tony Snow will put his foot in his mouth at least twice more.

12. Bush will dump Rummy in an effort to change the story. Or an effort to slide it in under radar.

13. The victims will be blamed and threatened.

14. The parens of the victims will be pissed and stop writing checks to the party that essentially prostituted their children.

15. Late night TV will be fun for a long time to come. Go Leno! Go Conan! Go Letterman!

Anyhow, that's just off the top of my head. More later.

A Couple of Questions on George Allen and His Godfather Moment

2006-09-27T14:44:00.000-05:00

First, is this a violation of federal law regarding misuse of a postal receptacle? I think it obviously is. And if so, has the statute of limitations run now that his "identity" has been uncovered?

Second, might it have been reported is a hate crime either to local, state or federal authorities at the time? And if so, where are the reports? Would it have been included in statistical evidence for civil rights reporting by the DoJ, the Feebs (directly), the Virginia AG's office or version of the Feebs, NAACP, ACLU, Southern Poverty Law Center, etc.?

Third, that's a pretty horrific event for the victim(s). Are they still around? Do they remember the incident? Might there be a neighbor, a child or a law enforcement official who might recall the incident?

Fourth, would it be permissible to start the line now for those interested in kicking Herr Felix in his little, tiny ass, racist balls? If so, I'm first in line. I cannot tolerate this type of shit. And I'm from the South and have many racists in my family.

Ding Dong! The Wicked Witch Is Dead!

2006-09-26T13:59:00.000-05:00

It's official. We can break out the munchkins. The John Bolton nomination for US Ambassador to the UN is dead. As in a house dropped on him dead.

(Munchkins)

Ding Dong!
The Witch is dead.
Which old Witch?
The Wicked Witch!
Ding Dong!
The Wicked Witch is dead.
Wake up - sleepy head, rub your eyes, get out of bed.
Wake up, the Wicked Witch is dead.
She's gone where the goblins go,
Below - below - below.
Yo-ho,
let's open up and sing and ring the bells out.
Ding Dong' the merry-oh,
sing it high,
sing it low.
Let them know
The Wicked Witch is dead!

(Mayor)

As Mayor of the Munchkin City,
In the County of the Land of Oz,
I welcome you
most regally.

(Barrister)

But we've got to verify it legally,
to see

(Mayor)

To see?

(Barrister)

If she

(Mayor)

If she?

(Barrister)

Is morally,
ethic'lly

(Father No.1)

Spiritually, physically

(Father No. 2)

Positively, absolutely

(Munchkins)

Undeniably and reliably
Dead

(Coroner)

As Coroner I must aver,
I thoroughly examined her.
And she's not only merely dead,
she's really most sincerely dead.

(Mayor)

Then this is a day of Independence
For all the Munchkins and their descendants

(Barrister)

If any.

(Mayor)

Yes, let the joyous news be spread
The wicked Old Witch at last is dead!

Hey, Condi!

2006-09-26T13:23:00.000-05:00

Eat my ass you lying bitch. I cannot get over what a complete waste of space you turned out to be. My hopes for you were high being that every mentor I had during college and law school was an intelligent, confident black woman, but you are not any of those things. Well, obviously you're black (or well tanned) but the rest of it you are definitely not.

How you can have the audacity to call Bill Clinton a liar and state he was not telling the truth about how you and Bush and all the rest of your henchmen were asleep at the wheel during 2001 was predictable but still is beyond me. I cannot fathom how empty you must be inside to be able to get up day after day and lie to the American public. The very same people for whom you are working and who pay your salary and expenses. I've been sitting around since last week wondering how long it would take you to decide not to play fast and loose with the facts and just plainly attack him. You beat my guess by one day (I had higher hopes for you).

Dick Clarke and a myriad of other credible sources have repeatedly pointed out your, Unca Dick's an Dubya's shortcomings with regards to national security and the fight against rogue extremist groups. I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt during the Israel-Lebanon crisis when you plainly looked weary and exasperated. I tried to shrug off your elitist attitudes so publicly exhibited when you went shoe shopping instead of rushing back to DC to help with Katrina relief or when you entertained dignitaries with your still honed piano skills a few months back, but I can no longer apologize or find common ground with you that would allow me to grant you that benefit of the doubt. (BTW- how did you find the time to stay in practice in between lying to the Lebanese and us? You must have a great scheduler to work all that in between bouts of shoe shopping and fittings.)

You are a sellout. A wastrel. A self-serving bitch. An elitist monster who deems everyone else without Ferragamo shoes beneath you. You have no business serving the American people.

I hope you are fired. I hope your oil tanker grounds itself (when it's dry of course would hate to hurt the environment). I hope your face freezes in that sincerely ugly frown you seem to always have. And, finally, I hope that one day you grow enough in yourself to develop the very trait that everyone you surround yourself seems to be lacking- Empathy.

Until then eat my ass.

Observations From My Broken Brain

2006-09-25T14:54:00.000-05:00

My recurring headache is back. I believe this makes almost 3 weeks in a row. A record for me. And so painful I am thinking about breaking out all the lightbulbs in the room.

Anyhow- here goes my list of observations over the last several days:

1. The NYT and WaPo and LATimes need to get real. Of course everyone with a goddamn brain knew that invading Iraq would make terrorism worse. WTF? I don't need a leaked National Intelligence Estimate from April 2006 to tell me that. I knew that in October 2002 when the dumb mutherfucker was making noises about Saddam. I knew it on Sepetmber 11, 2001 when they couldn't find the chickenshit little fucker because he was hiding somewhere shouting about how that "bad man who tried to kill my daddy" did this.

Let's call this this the biggest "DUH" moment in the universe to date.

2. Dick Cheney shooting people in the face is still funny. There was a cartoon on last night (Family Guy I think) and they ran their take on it. Blam! Blam! Blam! Blam! Blam! Blam! Blam! Blam! Blam! It was good.

And he's still a dick.

3. Condi Rice is as interesting as styrofoam. And so is Katie Couric. Can we please just bury them both under piles of rhinoceros shit dyed pink up to their chins and let them jabber about how great the moist heat from the dung pile is for their dried wrinklely ass skin? Can we just learn to ignore them as they talk about that special dryness they get in their naughty bits thanks to The Change?

Please????? They really don't need to destroy what used to be the finest hour of TV in the land.

4. Meredith Viera is going to have a meltdown. I can't take any more fake laughter as she looks at Matt Lauer's spotty scalp or Al's shiny chins. I like Meredith okay, but they made her blonde and implanted her with the incessant giggle chip. It's like she has been taken over by the Pod People and their leader is Katie Couric a/k/a El Numero Uno Stepford Wife. I hope the paycheck is worth the hell. That and knowing Rosie's kicking serious ass.

5. There are a lot of good new series on like Jericho, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, Shark, Vanished, and Standoff. There are more to come out in the next few weeks, but those are really pretty good. All of them have good actors, great production values and meaty storylines that can keep viewers interested. All of the CSI's, however, have been off. I think the producers wigged out when they heard Grey's Anatomy was throwing down the gauntlet so to speak. And as far as returning shows- the best so far are House, Criminal Minds, Without A Trace, Grey's Anatomy, Desperate Housewives, My Name Is Earl and Numb3rs. Especially Numb3rs and My Name Is Earl (Beullered??? That's too good.)

Too bad Sunday nights suck shit now. Grey's needs to move back. Pronto. Ignorant fucks.

6. NBC's board of directors must have read my post because the dumbass who was in charge of programming is now gone. Kudos for knowing enough to know I was right.

7. SCI-Fi's programming director is the shit. Eureka is most awesome and I understand from my geek friends that Battlestar Gallactica or whatever is supposed to be the best show on TV this year. I don't really care for most sci-fi stuff so I'll more than likely take a pass since I'm not that much into special effects and make-up. (Just ask my friends.) Hey SCI-FI, give him/her a raise or FOX will come a-knocking.

8. The Gators rule, but the D has to start making those tackles stick the first time during the 1st half. The guy you're hitting should never be able to spin around you for an extra 3-5 yards. Nail his ass the first time as if he were Jenna Jameson and you are Dave Navarro on viagra and meth.

9. Indian food completely rocks and is great for some serious cable laying. My compliments to the chef at the newest take-out Indian place. I can't wait until they have delivery. I'll so way 500 lbs and smell like the inside of an onion crate.

10. It's hard to do an intervention with a beer in your hand.

11. Bill Clinton is still the best guy in politics. He's smart, savvy as hell and can communicate better than Ronald Regan's handlers ever pretended he could. Big Dog's ass fucking of Chris Wallace was deserved, but he was at his best on Larry King. A must watch if you have access to it. He explains the Iraq situation in 100 words or less and makes you understand what a cluster fuck it is and how bad Bush and his cronies really are without actually saying it. All you have to do is compare the messages. I'd give him a blowjob if I were ML. Hell, yeah. That man deserves one.

Anyhow, those are the Badger Lessons for the day. Go forth and fuck some shit up. Or bake cookies. I suggest snickerdoodles if you have the Cream of Tartar.

Time Sure Is Fleet-Footed This Year

2006-09-21T13:38:00.000-05:00

I cam home the other night from meeting some friends at the local watering hole. I wasn't out late and, frankly, would have preferred to just stay home and wallow in my own misery. Instead I ventured out, had a couple of drinks and made my way home at a quite decent hour. When I left it was still daylight. Seemed like a normal late Summer afternoon. It's the return that got me.

I pulled up to the front of the house, shut down my car and got out. As soon as I stepped onto the curb, I knew something was different. The wind picked up for just a moment and a glint of gold made me look up. In the three hours I was doing my best to entertain the troops, Mother Nature switched gears into Fall.

It's damn hard to believe that all it takes is three hours for leaves to go from bright green to bright gold. Three hours is the length of a good movie. Three hours is the length of a good bubble bath. Shit. Three hours isn't even long enough for a GD football game.

But three hours was all it took for me to realize that I have basically lost most of my Spring and all of my Summer. Fully 5/12 of one year has elapsed since I made the unfortunate choice of walking and chewing gum at the same time. 2006 has fucking sucked.

In that 5/12 of a year, I have missed out on getting my yard in shape (it looks like hell right now), I missed out on dozens of long walks with Pig. And I missed out on being able to travel to see friends. Or cook-out. Or finish any one of the number of half completed projects I have going on about the casa. I spent several weeks in a drug induced numb state and several more in agony when I chose to go off meds altogether. And then there's the inability to remember things for a good portion of late April and the whole month of May. It's like I was doing a really good Ronald Reagan impression.

I miss that 5/12's of a year. I miss the lost opportunities. I regret not having driven that night instead of trying to enjoy the weather and people watching. I miss not having scars and near constant pain. And I damn sure miss not setting off metal detectors an not limping.

For a while, I thought it might be sorta one those lameass blessing in disguises the televangelists are always going on about. Bullshit. Sure it slowed me down. It's depressed the shit out of me and made me more angry about shit I am powerless to control. It's one of the reasons I haven't said a lot about politics in recent months- I'm just too damned pissed. Instead of venting, I would be harping and fuck that. I'm not the typical nagging bitch.

It's not a blessing. It's a goddamn curse. I lost a lot of time. A lot. And if anything else is clear from my discovery the other night, it is that the world doesn't fucking wait. It goes on. It's like when you lose friends and family to Death. You think about them, sure. But in the end, time moves on without them and along with time, you move on, too. Makes you feel pretty insignificant, huh?

Anyhow, that's my take on 2006 so far. The holidays are just around the corner and soon it will be 2007. Then 2008. And 2009. And then I'll wake up and I'll be 70 with a colostemy bag wishing that I had slowed down.

Donkey Dicks and Other Mundane Things

2006-09-15T16:48:00.000-05:00

Ther are times you just feel like kicking the shit out of every person who walks within a ten foot radius of you. There's no rhyme or reason to it most of the time. You're just on edge. I've got the rhyme. And I've got a reason: That asshat prezznit keeps takling over the public airwaves for bullshit drama.

I'm tired of "We're interupting your normal programming for this special news bulletin..." What is fucking special about George Bush? Wait. Never mind. I get "it." They meant "special" in that small bus kinda way. Ohhhhhh. Clever devils.

But wait. As I like to often say "WTF?"

They give him 30+ minutes every other day. Does this mean little Georgie has threatened to shit himself everyday unless he gets playtime on CBS? That would be my guess. Besides, I feel really sorry for the poor mutherfucker who has to change his di-dee. Could you image? I bet little Georgie likes to slide around in his own poo and make wall art for Barbara. Hey! Maybe he and Jenna do that together. You know? As a father-daughter bonding moment.

But I digress.

"Breaking News" tags should be used for important stuff like the stock market crashing, or a bombing of a daycare or the discovery of the world's largest donkey dick. It shouldn't be used for 'Let the Eagle Fuck You in the Ass" Ashcroft to allege terrorist activity with the Kremlin in the background (that's fucking good foreshadowing even by Dickens' standards), or for there to be some long ass segment on non-existent Miami or London-based terrorists (for crissakes- a terrorist by definition is someone who strikes terror in someone's heart- does someone w/o the requisite passport to board let alone bomb an international flight or some shoeless schlepp who takes a dumbass oath from an undercover Feeb strike terror in your heart???). Going on TV today to try and ramrod his anti-Geneva Convention BS down our throats is a waste of time, a waste of programming space and lost ad revenue and insulting to boot.

"Breaking News" tags should be used for "Man Puts Foot Up President's Ass. Karl Rove Recovering." type stories. Not "wah, wah, I want my way or I'm going to hold my breath..." crap.

There will be more of this bullshit from now until election time. Check your heads. Grab your balls. And rent plenty of DVD's at the sex shop. Hopefully, the screwing you get from the DVD's will be better than the one the voters will get in November.

When Do You Know When To Quit?

2006-09-12T13:47:00.000-05:00

I've been having an ongoing conversation with an attorney friend of mine about relationships and how dysfunctional they can be. I divorce people for a living and I am not exactly fond of the institution of marriage. It's not that I think mongamy is a bad thing. It's not. Nor is commitment, but there's something about the very structure of marriage that dooms many to failure.

First, there's the "expectations" racket. What does each marriage partner expect marriage to be? What do they expect from marriage? From each other? Friend, lover, foe, equal partner, slave driver, master, mistress, buddy, parental figure, house keeper, brood mare, bacon earner....? Do they expect emotional comfort? Silent partner? Drinking buddy? Someone to socialize with? Or just share a room with? If you want a companionate marriage are you sure you even know what the definition is beforehand? Do you discuss this before the trip down the aisle or do you keep communicating those expectations? And when is okay to assume that the other person gets you? What if they stop? Do you get them? Do you realllly get them or are you so desparate not to be alone that you grasp at the first passerby?Do you know what your own limitations are and whether or not they'll adversely affect your ability to mee the other perosn's expectations and needs? ar eyou being honest with yourself when you answer these questions?

Second, there's the whole "trade off (or up) " racket. When you get married you are literally trading off the freedom of singlehood for the supposed tranquility and emotional/physical/legal safety of a monogamous relationship. Bad thing is- you're not. You're not guaranteed sex. You're not guaranteed a shoulder to cry on and you aren't necessarily protected from losing everything you own to the other person. Trust me. I do this shit for a living. Just because it is over doesn't mean she has to give back your toaster from your college bachelor pad. And just because he put a ring on your finger doesn't mean he has to listen to you boohoo about your hang nail. Now, because you are married, you should want to do that for each other. Therein lies the rub- people are horrible, selfish, self-centered shits and they are prone to have their heads up their asses. It's when they are specifically asked to be supportive and they flat out refuse that they should get a good swift kick to the nads of whatever variety.

Third, there's the "representation" model. You both must put forth effort to show to the world you're a couple. Gold bands aren't enough. You're entitled to your own space, but leaving your spouse at a crowded restaurant on a Friday night dinner rush to chat up mere acquaintances for an hour is not ever permitted. Doing so wastes the time of your partner and is embarassing and hurtful. Same goes for oft repeated boys or girls nights out. Living the "single" life is made for singles, not for spouses. You shuld be able to go out from time to time, but doing it more than twice a month amounts to "I don't want to be around you." And that will eventually cause problems.

Fourth, there's the intimacy quotient. And this is the most important one by far on this abbreviated list. Intimacy isn't about sticking it in (or on) each other 1.7 times per week or month or whatever. It's the little shit that makes the other person feel important. The stuff that lets each other know you are thinking about them and don't just take them for granted. Things like knowing their favorite ice cream flavors, or favorite shampoo. Recognizing the traits and likes and dislikes of the person you profess to love. It's that whole "How Do I Love Thee" shit. Do you know where prominent birth marks are, or what type of starch they prefer at the drycleaner? I know it sounds ridiculous, but knowing what they'd want from any restaurant in town is a good start. If you on't know these things and you try to do something nice for your significant other and you fuck it up, it's worse than not having done anything at all. So get your head out of your ass and study up. The person you profess to love is worth more time than you spent on your college chem lab.

So, now that we're through the abbreviated list, the question remains, how do you know when to quit?

I've got no real answer there. I just know in my professional experience that people reach a wall. And they can't go through the wall. Or even over the wall. Or around the wall. They're too tired of carrying around the baggage of hurt by themselves. It's when they can't trust the other person to put the needs of the marriage above their own ego and insecurities that a marriage dies. It's like one of those soul weighing thingamagigs. Too many sins you go to hell, too few heaven. Or whatever...

I'm an undertaker of sorts. I didn't kill the marriage but I certainly get to bury it. Some deeper than others. That may make me jaded, but I think in some regards I think it also makes me an expert at spotting the listless eyes and rasping breath of a marriage on life support. It's not a pretty sight I assure you.

Maturity vs. Just Being Damn Old

2006-09-11T11:00:00.000-05:00

I know I complain about feeling old sometimes. That's because the art of complaining is a true mark of age. I can't help it. But there's something else that's better than a true mark or age- it's maturity.

Now I can go on about how maturity isn't sticking your pinky out as you drink a glass of fresh squeezed juice over your Eggs Benedict at brunch while perusing the New York Times Sunday Crossword. Frankly, that's just uppity. Or I can talk about how maturity isn't lengthy discussions about one's spawn's preference for Huggies or Pampers (that's just sad). Maturity is just one of those things that happens when you're too busy bitching. I can say I have had one of those rare moments of maturity over the weekend.

I had a friend that three years ago was one of my closest friends. My relationship with her caused me a lot of grief in nearly every area of my life, but I was still willing to be friends with her until one night over too many Crown and waters, she called me a murderer. See, I had told her about an abortion I had in law school. It had happened roughly 8 years earlier and was the best decision I could have made for a myriad of reasons. I managed to handle the situation with a great deal of maturity at the time and I have never regretted my decision. It was an imformed decision and was (and is) the best decision I could have made under the circumstances. I understand how some people might feel differently, but they're not me and this is not their body. I don't feel guilty about it and never have and that's saying something because I feel guilty if it rains. But this friend did her damnedest to make me feel guilty.

Anyhow, I told this friend and she (in my mind) committed the unforgiveable sin: she passed judgment on me. In all fairness, her little sister had just had one a couple of weeks earlier and she was upset. She's also a mother of two, it doesn't excuse her reaction. We're adults we're supposed to be able to check ourselves. All in all, we have completely different outlooks on things even if our backgrounds are fairly similar, but because of this one issue and the ensuing spat, we did not talk for almost three full years.

That was three years of dirty looks, rumor mongering and generally making all of our mutual friends and acquaintances feel like shit being around either of us either alone or in the same place. That was wrong. Of both of us.

Neither of us had a right to do that to the other and to innocent bystanders (like her kids, and our husbands). I had demanded an apology at the time and she refused. I guess it was the heat of the situation and the fact that neither of us is known for exactly backing down. In the end, she was the one to end the stalemate. She came up to me in a crowded bar one Saturday evening a few months back, drunk off her ass and feeling a bit nostalgic and plainly admitted she missed me. For me it was outta the blue because when I walked in, there was a moment of eye contact and then the angry, awkward, dismissive head turn as though the other person doesn't exist. I admit I was floored. I was floored because I missed our friendship too and because she was the bigger person to say something first. My only response was that it wasn't the time nor the place to hash shit out and I gave her my cell number to call me for a meeting.

Schedules being what they are in this day and age, we have only run into each other a couple of times for drinks with other people and had a couple of e-mails and calls mostly over her case against her ex. We hadn't had one of those down and dirty "let's get the shit out there and deal with it" kind of talks. We managed to have that talk Saturday night as our dogs sniffed each other's asses and my dog tried to be nice about her dog trying to mount him (Don't be gay, Sparky!).

The talk was nice because we were both pretty honest. I told her how badly she had hurt me with her comment and she tried to deny what and how it was actually said (different recollections due to too much booze I'm sure). She told me how hurt she had been at me for reacting the way I did (I didn't even try to kick her ass at the time but I spoke very angrily). And just as we were about to bury the hatchet completely, the old fight started to rear its head in the new form of who was right and who was wrong. So I had to do something to salvage the good will that results from multiple Tuaca and Yeager Blaster shots.

I said "Let's stop." Then I told her that I forgave her for hurting my feelings and that I understood why she was so upset at the time and that she was entitled to her feelings on the subject. Further, I told her although we might disagree, I respected her having the feelings she did and that I didn't have the right to make her feel bad even if I had the right to be angry by what I perceived as an attack on me. Her opinion deserved respect and I was sorry for not giving her (and her opinion) that respect three years earlier.

And I really meant it. WTF???

She does have a right to her heartfelt opinions. She has a right to express sadness and dismay at an unfortunate episode in my life. She just didn't have the right to do it in a way designed to inflict pain on me. And I didn't have the right, no matter how much hurt I felt, to spend three years talking trash, slighting her, destroying her social network and generally being an asshole.

There are a lot of things for me to be angry at her for, but for me that was the most serious offense. The rest of the shit, we'll just work out. But that big hurdle had to be met head on. I'm glad I didn't wuss out and avoid the conversation.

So that was my mature moment of the month (or year). They don't happen often, but I'm glad this one did even if for the moment.

"You Suck: A Love Story"

2006-09-07T14:19:00.000-05:00

I dunno how many of ya'll out there like Christopher Moore. He's one of my favorite authors and specializes in pretty much being a smartass. His books are bizarre and filled with crazy plots, and colorful characters. He's Carl Hiaasen on LSD. And nitrous.

He's got a new book coming out in January (hence the title of this post) and he's just posted the first chapter online here. It's a follow-up of sorts to "Bloodsucking Fiends: A Love Story" which was pretty damn funny. I hope he brings back frozen turkey bowling......

On another note, his last book, "A Dirty Job," is up for a Quill Award. Please vote for it.

Four Days, Three Nights

2006-09-07T09:00:00.000-05:00

I'm a bit sad. Hubbie turned 40 this morning and got on a big jet plane to Chicago. With his mother. We didn't even have birthday sex. Instead, I got a very brief, very chaste peck (partly I suspect because Mommy was standing a few feet away glaring at us for being 7 minutes late). Fortunately, he wasn't really excited about the trip. I dunno if it's because he suspects I'll have a party (I won't) or if he really just didn't want to go on a trip with his mother who has the oh so endearing habit of scheduling every last minute of a trip. (At 11:21, we will take a bathroom break for exactly 2.31 minutes. Theeeen, we'll take a cab ride for 7.1 miles to the McDonald's at 12th and Main where I'll have a cheeseburger kids' meal and you'll have....)

So for the weekend, it will be just me and the big fat Boston Terrier that steals the covers and farts audibly in my face every 7 minutes. Well, us and every damn ignorant footballer looking for a cheap parking place and a bush to piss in. (I hate football fans.) If I get bored and pissed enough, I may turn Pig on them to shit next to their cars and steal their food. Kill the crackers for Mommy.....

I seriously don't have any real plans. I had planned to do yard work, but sadly, my mower broke last night and I have to get it fixed. I know how to work on 4 cycle engines, and this one just needs a new starter cord. Problem is, the fucking designers decided to rivet the starter housing assembly to the engine and in order to access it, it'll take far more time and patience than I currently have. First, I'd have to drain the gas tank. Second, I'd have to remove the gas tank and detach the fuel line. Then I'd get to go thru the various steps of removing the engine housing altogether from the bottom to the top. It's like what the fuck were they thinking??? Now, I'll have to spend close to $150 bucks to repair the damn thing when a new mower is only $200. Fuck McLane. Their designers suck shit.

I guess I'll just strip paint from the kitchen cabinets and mop and wax the hardwood floors. Maybe if I get extra ambitious, I'll make the three quarts of fresh peach ice cream I've been planning on for the last two weeks. Well, provided the peaches are finally ripe enough and I can get Pig under control.

Shit, I used to really like living alone. I guess 5 years of marriage will do that to you. Fuck. I'm so middle aged now.

Well, with that off my chest, I better get back to work. It's going to be a long, lonely weekend.

How Do You Spell "Tool?"

2006-09-01T12:57:00.000-05:00

That's easy. G-E-O-R-G-E-F-E-L-I-X-A-L-L-E-N.

Why? That's easy, too.

Because he's a carpetbagger, a racist, a liar, a piece of shit George Bush apologist who speaks on dog frequency wavelengths to his racist breathern from the back of a horse.

He's actually riding a fucking horse this weekend in a Labor Day parade. A horse?!?

WTF? Since when did Virginia become the wild fucking west? Last time I checked it was on the East coast and didn't have any desert sands.

Anyhow. I just wanted to get that off my chest for the day.

I hope that horse throws him off, steps on his tiny nads, and shits on his Lee-Press-On-Hair.

Football Fever

2006-08-31T11:21:00.000-05:00

I'm getting a case of football fever. I'm checking out pollls, reading little stories here an there trying to gleen any amount of information that might give me an edge in predicting what will happen in college ball this year.

Here's what I have so far:

My beloved Gators are getting screwed. They have the toughest schedule in NCAA DIvision I ball and they get no respect. Fuck Charlie Weiss. Sure, that was sweet of him to let the dying kid call a play last year, but BFD. Their 9-3 schedule wasn't as good as UF's since Florida played a tougher schedule (it has something to do with not being a Yankee pussy). I'm pissed the Harris Poll has them at 17th. WTF? That's just sour fucking grapes.

OU isn't as good as their fans want them to be. Honestly, they never are. They just get lucky with bumps in teh polls based on program history (Lee Corso aside). I see them going 8-5.

Texas still sucks. And Mack Brown is the spawn of Satan.

USC should be given the death sentence. They played dirty ball for too many years and frankly it chaps my hide that Pete Carroll got away with fucking Matt Leinhart over. It's pretty damn sad when you have to lie to your QB to get them to stay. Hey, Pete. Just how many fingers do you like in your ass?

Louisville is the most underrated team in the nation. They have good strength of schedule and solid mechanics. I think they'll take the BCS over West Virginia. Honestly, they deserve it after so many solid seasons in recent years. Plus, we never hear any bitching and moaning from them like we do Les Miles' pussy ass team known as the LSU Tigers (may they rot in hell).

Look for Notre Dame's Brady Quinn to fuck Chris Leak out of his Heisman. Chris has better career numbers and has had to overcome Ron Zook (may he also rot in hell). Hopefully Urban Renewal will continue this year and Chris will get the explosive season he is capable of while kicking OBC's ass.

Katherine Harris- A Candidate for the Special Olympics Posterchild

2006-08-24T15:04:00.000-05:00

It's bad when your name is the equivilent of being totally batshit. I'm starting to feel sorry for KH because everyday, there is a new story of how utterly dishonest, egomaniacal, spoiled, impetuous, arrogant, uninformed, and bigoted this bitch is. She's an absolute joke. I don't know why (other than the obvious comedic value of course) people still report on her. Take today's story on her interview with a Baptist publication wherein she dicks with the Constitution in a major way in an effort to curry favor with fringe voters. That bitch jumped the shark a longtime ago, too bad she's still holding a congressional seat for Florida. She should be recalled for being mentally deficient. Hell even Strom Thurmond was more mentally competent, and the man shat himself during votes on the floor for the last 30 years that he was there while whistling Dixie.

I'm so ashamed of my home state. I'm starting to believe that when I moved away the IQ of the whole state went down 90 points.

All I can say at this point is "Please somebody get her some lithium. Stat."

Ps- If you want a shirt, go here.

Clerical Error My Ass

2006-08-24T12:06:00.000-05:00

Saw this story about how the Department of Education's list of acceptable majors for low-income students seeking financial aid for their education is missing a listing. Out of the tons of listings (and there are plenty), the only one missing is evolutionary biology. You know- the study of all things abominable to theocrats. Even odder is in my search online for goooood BBQ to have shipped in (I get cravings for this type of shit. Maybe sometime I'll write about my three day quest for XXX hot sauce.) is that I ran across the website for Sonny Bryan's BBQ in Dallas. I read the history page and discovered "Sonny" was actually William Jennings Bryan, Jr.. Naturally, I was like "Whoa. Not the son of......" And for the record, no, not the same one, but I did get a quick 15 minute refresher into a force of personality and a great modern historical-religious figure.

I have to say this- I admire WJB. I don't agree with all of his political or any of his religious stances, but I admire his populist roots. I admire grassroots politics where every man has one vote and his vote is worth (to himself and others) the same as the next guy. I admire his drive to dismantle the machine which relegates one man to poverty and another to wealth. I admire his stated cause of busting corporate monoploys which kill the soul of the common man and ensurre that he and his children and their children will never realize the "American Dream." I don't like the anti-rinking thing at all. I like my beer and Tuaca.

I admire fiery speeches and passion. WJB had that in spades obviously. And with that passion came the courage of his convictions. I've oft (yes, I use that word in everyday conversation) wondered if he died as a result of the Scopes Monkey Trial. Let's face it, Clarence Darrow eviscerated him. He tore apart the very foundations upon which WJB's progressive politics were perched- a belief in God and strict adherence to the Bible. When that foundation was destroyed, it would be easy to see how such a powerful, impassioned man could become literally lifeless.

My politics are an odd mix of progressivism and libertarianism. I hate rigid structure and rules meant to maintain the status quo as opposed to define real and necessary boundaries. Maybe that's why I'm in private practice. Or then again, a better and truer way of looking at it is that is why I AM NOT with a firm or governmental agency. And why I won't ever run for office again (not that the last time counted- I was playing the goon.). I could run for office early next year but my hubby opposes it (which makes me want to do it more) and frankly, I'd have to give up my blog.

I say fuck that.

This is my place for rants and rememberance. I can think about the legacy of WJB, bitch about Dumbya and still compare notes about why Marc Cohn is one of the best song writers in the last 25 years (at least since Jim Croce's death). I always find myself a bit more peaceful after letting it hangout here which I'll get back to now.

The Department of Education's excuse is complete and utter bullshit. Someone whited it out because it might offend the Jesus freaks. Fuck 'em. Religion has no place in education unless it's a philosophical survey of religious philosophy, a part of a sociology class dealing with group behavior, or a fiction class and the texts are being studied for content and friggin' alliteration type shit. Otherwise, it interferes with honest intellectual thought derived from scientific method, etc.. The person responsible should be drawn and quartered in the court of public opinion. This should be a front page story everywhere, but it won't be. Jonbenet Ramsey will be.

She's been dead for 10 years, but I suspect real journalism and real thought have been dead much longer in this country.

Somebody! Please Stop This Man!

2006-08-21T13:37:00.000-05:00

This weekend, I was reflecting on how naive I was when I started college (truly, I was) and how cynical I have become over the years. We're talking about a mere 15 years almost to the day. But in that 15 years, the Internet has become more readily available, I've been streaking half a dozen or so times, loved and lost, had some amazingly weird (and wild) experiences, and generally just learned that "Who Gives A Fuck?!?" should be everyone's motto. I have older (and seemingly wiser) friends who are astounded by how much they learn from me everytime we hang out. Honestly, I thought I had seen and heard just about everything (Donkey punch? Check. Triorchidism? Check. Water sports? Check? Copralagnia? Check. Butt Blaster? Check. Americans electing a retard? Check.), but this story astounded me.

Seriously. How can this guy go through with this? How???????? There are so many people who would pay $5 a piece to see this. He could be the only guy in the world to do DP scenes by himself. He could make wax molds of himself and be on every wall in Doc Johnsons.

Please, god. Someone stop him!!!!

Can We Say: "This Guy Charges Too Much?"

2006-08-17T15:21:00.000-05:00

I fucking hate egghead attorneys with fancy offices and egos the size of well... pick something rather large for you to imagine. Ron Jeremy sized or better....

I have a client involved in a minor divorce. Her mother is not well and she asked me to give up all of her claims in an effort to get to another state quickly to help her mother without worrying about this. I advise her she's giving up some very good claims and prepare a decree based on her agreement with the soon to be ex. Time is of the essence so I send it via e-mail to the other attorney. The first decree had a minor typo so I fixed the typo and re-sent it within five minutes of sending the first proposal. Both are 180 degrees different from the proposal we offered last month to which I never receieved a response.

Here's the exchange with actual names changed of course:

Mr. Pighead,

Please find the attached Decree and Consent for your client's signature. It should reflect all of the agreements of our clients. If changes are necessary, please let me know posthaste as my client must leave the jurisdiction in the very immediate future to help care for her terminally ill mother.

If you can please forward the executed documents to me, I will have my client attend the waiver docket with Judge L**** upon the first available day and forward the final order to you.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation.

The Raving Badger

There was minor typo in the Decree so I sent:

Piggy, please find the corrected Decree attached hereto.

Badger

Then I get:

Badger,

As I have told you previously, my client is not going to sign off on a Decree that requires him to pay your client's bills incurred as a result of the Lake Whatchutahatchee accident. In addition, my client is entitled to 1/2 of your client's 401K contributions during the course of their marriage. Our previous settlement offers still stand. I will be serving you in the next day or two with some written discovery. I am going to want to know what kind of 401K contributions your client has made since the date of her marriage to my client, the amount of her medical bills incurred and still outstanding as a result of the accident in question, and other relevant questions.

If your client is willing to pay her own medical bills, we will agree to let her keep all of her 401K contributions. She cannot have her cake and eat it, too.

Piggy

Note: He's referencing a proposed decree from 8 months ago which is much different that the finished product I sent to him yesterday. If he would have read it, he would have known that. So I reply:

Piggy,

You obviously have not spoken with your client or reviewed the corrected Decree. Please do so before getting haughty with me.

I hope you are not charging your client for wasting my time.

Badger

Then I get:

Haughty? I am going to add that word to my computer vocabulary list.

I looked closer at your proposed amended Decree after receiving your vituperative email. It appears to me that you are proposing that your client keep all of her 401K contributions. Your proposed revised Decree does not appear to make any mention of the $800 medical bill in question. However, the Decree does not provide that your client will indemnify and hold my client harmless from payment of your client's medical bills, including the $800 medical bill in question. I want the Decree to be clear that your client is responsible for the payment of her own medical bills and that she agrees to indemnify and hold harmless my client should he someday be required to pay some or all of her medical bills.

The way I read your proposed revised Decree, each party is responsible for paying his/her own taxes during the years of their marriage. This is also something I thought we agreed upon several months ago. The Decree reads that my client shall indemnify your client, but I do not read in the Decree where your client agrees to indemnify my client. We need that language in there.

If I am missing something in the Decree, it is an inadvertent oversight on my part, and I am not trying to waste your time or be haughty. However, in answer to your question, I am charging my client a great deal. I assume the work I am generating for you is also enabling you to pay generous Christmas bonuses to your employees this year.

So I reply:

Mr. Pighead,

My understanding of the agreement is that Plaintiff keeps all of her 401K, and Defendant pays his taxes. Her taxes are paid. He knows this. They have agreed that each pay bills in their own name (i.e. non-marital and marital). She is paying her own medical bills. All marital bills have been previously satisfied. Thus, there is nothing else to pay by either side except your ever increasing bill.

I love your $5 words, but don't try to change the agreement of the parties for purposes of increasing your billing. The proposed decree I have provided you with is fine. You are just trying merely to cover your tracks on not having reviewed it prior to sending me a nasty (and lengthy) e-mail. From your e-mail, it was clear you assumed we were still making the same offer from three weeks ago to which you never responded. I suggest you take fewer vacations and pay more attention as it is obvious you do not know what is going on at all between the parties or in your office.

I hope your client is aware of your mistake and poor attempt to cover for yourself when reviewing your billing. If you have a legitimate addition or deletion, then please feel free to reference it. Otherwise, sign the papers and let us be done with this matter.

Very truly yours,

The Raving Badger

Now, let's get this straight: He's sent 3 e-mails bitching about nothing and all over $800 (at $200 an hour). Boy, I wish my clients were stupid enough to pay me for tilting at windmills.

What a fuckwit.

I bet he voted Republican.

I Hate Bullies, and Bushies, Too

2006-08-16T17:01:00.000-05:00

The main stream media outlets are finally picking up on George Allen's racist comments to a gentleman of foreign descent (it varies from site to site but his name implies he's either Indian or Pakistani and he's quite dark skinned). He called him a "macaca." Now, there are a lot of bloggers out there who say it's a variation of a French racial slur meaning the N-word, and Allen's saying it is a mishmash of "mohawk" (based on the guy's haircut) and "caca" a well known euphamism for shit or dung. Either way, Allen's a dickhead. He's either racist (which I believe he is by his long time support for all things of the Confederacy and his non-support for any civil rights issue) or he's an asshole.

No matter what Allen's supporters say, he publicly ridiculed the guy. Granted the guy was taping his speech, but he hadn't interupted anything or acted badly. Allen got rattled. The guy's presence and his enthnicity got under Allen's skin. How dare someone beneath me fuck with me?

He reacted poorly and publicly. This guy wants to be president and he can't keep his mouth shut??? He can't control his temper??? Great. I'm sure to the dumbass red staters out there he shows great promise to be commander in chief. It would be like having me as the mediator for global peace with Ronald Reagan in one seat and Rush Limbaugh in the other. Do you think I could resist fucking with either of them? Hell, no (I'd pay for the pleasure, frankly). Allen's not any different. He can't control himself well enough to play a game of Texas Hold 'Em for crissakes.

Interestingly, I read some excerpts from his sister's book on Huffington Post earlier today. Seems Allen is a real prick. He tortured his siblings, broke one's collar bone, threw one other through a plate glass window and dragged another up the stairs by her hair. Now I fought with my kid sister and we were pretty bad, but neither of us ended up bald or getting a healthy dose of radiation due to an x-ray machine. That kind of shit goes too far. It's serial killer kind of stuff. The guy's obviously a socio-path. I mean how could you not be with the Lee Press-On Hair?

Well, enough about the dumbass in Virginia. Let's get on to even less interesting topics like Dumbya. Joe Scarborough finally got up the nads to say Dumbya is an idiot and to question his intellectual capacity to perform his job.

About damn time. Did we have to elect the asshole twice in order to figure that out? Seriously. I figured that out years ago and I never had to actually listen to him speak. The whole issue makes me question how slow Joe is. Is Joe a candidate for the Special Olympics, too? Or is he just a cockmeister looking for ratings because his show sucks? I won't even get into his Lee Press-On Hair.

I still hate Bush and all things Bush. A lot, but my capacity to hate him with constant zeal is tested everytime a dickhead like Joe Scarborough jumps on the band wagon and acts like he was one of us all along. Prick.

One last thing- I may not need them, but I know some sisters who have to resort to false advertising. I just don't get the connection between falsies and the war on terror? Do you?

[UPDATE: The guy is from Virgina, born and raised. Allen is from- California. He moved to Virginia just a short time before his run for politial office. In the South, we call assholes like Allen carpetbaggers. I hope Mullet Boy kicks his ass.]

Anyone In DC Even Remember This Shit Anymore?

2006-08-10T12:52:00.000-05:00

Or was it all a lie? A lie, I tell you. Liar, liar, liar....pants on fire.....

REPUBLICAN CONTRACT WITH AMERICA

As Republican Members of the House of Representatives and as citizens seeking to join that body we propose not just to change its policies, but even more important, to restore the bonds of trust between the people and their elected representatives.

That is why, in this era of official evasion and posturing, we offer instead a detailed agenda for national renewal, a written commitment with no fine print.

This year's election offers the chance, after four decades of one-party control, to bring to the House a new majority that will transform the way Congress works. That historic change would be the end of government that is too big, too intrusive, and too easy with the public's money. It can be the beginning of a Congress that respects the values and shares the faith of the American family.

Like Lincoln, our first Republican president, we intend to act "with firmness in the right, as God gives us to see the right." To restore accountability to Congress. To end its cycle of scandal and disgrace. To make us all proud again of the way free people govern themselves.

On the first day of the 104th Congress, the new Republican majority will immediately pass the following major reforms, aimed at restoring the faith and trust of the American people in their government:

FIRST, require all laws that apply to the rest of the country also apply equally to the Congress;

SECOND, select a major, independent auditing firm to conduct a comprehensive audit of Congress for waste, fraud or abuse;

THIRD, cut the number of House committees, and cut committee staff by one-third;

FOURTH, limit the terms of all committee chairs;

FIFTH, ban the casting of proxy votes in committee;

SIXTH, require committee meetings to be open to the public;

SEVENTH, require a three-fifths majority vote to pass a tax increase;

EIGHTH, guarantee an honest accounting of our Federal Budget by implementing zero base-line budgeting.
Thereafter, within the first 100 days of the 104th Congress, we shall bring to the House Floor the following bills, each to be given full and open debate, each to be given a clear and fair vote and each to be immediately available this day for public inspection and scrutiny.

1. THE FISCAL RESPONSIBILITY ACT: A balanced budget/tax limitation amendment and a legislative line-item veto to restore fiscal responsibility to an out- of-control Congress, requiring them to live under the same budget constraints as families and businesses. (Bill Text) (Description)

2. THE TAKING BACK OUR STREETS ACT: An anti-crime package including stronger truth-in- sentencing, "good faith" exclusionary rule exemptions, effective death penalty provisions, and cuts in social spending from this summer's "crime" bill to fund prison construction and additional law enforcement to keep people secure in their neighborhoods and kids safe in their schools. (Bill Text) (Description)

3. THE PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY ACT: Discourage illegitimacy and teen pregnancy by prohibiting welfare to minor mothers and denying increased AFDC for additional children while on welfare, cut spending for welfare programs, and enact a tough two-years-and-out provision with work requirements to promote individual responsibility. (Bill Text) (Description)

4. THE FAMILY REINFORCEMENT ACT: Child support enforcement, tax incentives for adoption, strengthening rights of parents in their children's education, stronger child pornography laws, and an elderly dependent care tax credit to reinforce the central role of families in American society. (Bill Text) (Description)

5. THE AMERICAN DREAM RESTORATION ACT: A S500 per child tax credit, begin repeal of the marriage tax penalty, and creation of American Dream Savings Accounts to provide middle class tax relief. (Bill Text) (Description)

6. THE NATIONAL SECURITY RESTORATION ACT: No U.S. troops under U.N. command and restoration of the essential parts of our national security funding to strengthen our national defense and maintain our credibility around the world. (Bill Text) (Description)

7. THE SENIOR CITIZENS FAIRNESS ACT: Raise the Social Security earnings limit which currently forces seniors out of the work force, repeal the 1993 tax hikes on Social Security benefits and provide tax incentives for private long-term care insurance to let Older Americans keep more of what they have earned over the years. (Bill Text) (Description)

8. THE JOB CREATION AND WAGE ENHANCEMENT ACT: Small business incentives, capital gains cut and indexation, neutral cost recovery, risk assessment/cost-benefit analysis, strengthening the Regulatory Flexibility Act and unfunded mandate reform to create jobs and raise worker wages. (Bill Text) (Description)

9. THE COMMON SENSE LEGAL REFORM ACT: "Loser pays" laws, reasonable limits on punitive damages and reform of product liability laws to stem the endless tide of litigation. (Bill Text) (Description)

10. THE CITIZEN LEGISLATURE ACT: A first-ever vote on term limits to replace career politicians with citizen legislators. (Description)

Further, we will instruct the House Budget Committee to report to the floor and we will work to enact additional budget savings, beyond the budget cuts specifically included in the legislation described above, to ensure that the Federal budget deficit will be less than it would have been without the enactment of these bills.
Respecting the judgment of our fellow citizens as we seek their mandate for reform, we hereby pledge our names to this Contract with America.

As Grasshopper Would Say "Mwahahahahahah"

2006-08-09T14:43:00.000-05:00

I watched the poll results for the Lamont-Lieberman race last night from a bar. Not only did I have cable TV, but I also had cellphone based Internet. Americablog.com had results up 10-20 minutes faster than FOX News (the only network carrying coverage consistently). I was happy with the results, of course, but not so happy with what a tool Lieberman was.

I can understand if he's unhappy about losing. I mean, what's an old asshole like him supposed to do now? Make Pepsi or Viagra commercials? Take Rummy's job? Let his wife the Big Pharma lobbyist support him as he attends bar mitzvahs for moollah like Ja Rule? I doubt it.

What he needs is a reality check. First, he lost the election by making his BS announcement that he'd run as an independent if he lost the primary. [Note to Holy Joe: the other kids don't like it if you threaten to take your crayons home if they don't let you play Malibu Barbie.] The poll results show it. Lamont went way, way up in the polls after Holy Joe made his threat. Oops.

Second, he needs to apologize for getting in bed with Bush and Rove. He has slammed the Democratic party repeatedly. Why? Because he has some fucked up idea locked in is head that he's absolutely right, that he knows best and that he's entitled to unquestioning trust in spite of the fact that he has been a DINO for a long, long time. Now, I am not saying he's a Republican (the point can be made he is), but I am saying his allegience isn't to his party or his state. or even his country. It's....wait for it..... TO ISRAEL. The utterances about national security and 9-11 recently prove that. It also proves he's grasping at straws and knows that he's not the Joe of yesteryear. It's all about the towelheads for him.

Look, Joe. Be mad at yourself. Be mad at Karl Rove. Be mad at AIPAC, but for crissakes don't take it out on everyone else who's just rightfully reminding you that you sold out. Take your lumps like man, you big fucking crybaby.

BTW- accusing Lamont and/or his supporters of hacking your weenie site is bad form. Apologize. Then beg for mercy from the Feds after they start looking to charge you and/or your campaign staff with submitting a false report. That shit carries jail time, fines, and the absolute death sentence for your public service career. Also, remember the next time you want to go World Wide Web, pay for the bandwidth and a decent hosting company. They hosed you pretty good. You might think about suing them for damages. You wanna be big time? Then act big time.

Wow.

It just hit me that you wasted everything. You destroyed everything for Israel. Fuck. That's gotta suck.

Joe, time to move on. You need a new job. May I suggest.....

Oh, and one last thing- I am so right about Condi being on her way out.

hahahahahahaha

Those fucking Rethuglicans eat their own. Don't they?

Condi Better Watch It

2006-08-08T14:48:00.000-05:00

She's being set up IMHO. Why do I think so? This administation has gone out of it's way to portray a president in charge. From the dumb aircraft carrier photo op to him being a pushy asshole to foreign dignitaries to his frequent statements that he's in charge (so to speak). Now, with the Israeli-Hezbollah-Lebanon thing going nuts and Iraq becoming more and more explosive by the day (no pun intended), Bush has left very publicly for Crawford for more brush clearing. When asked if he thought it was okay to do that since Tony Blair didn't and put off his vacation, he said sure because Condi was in charge of that situation.

I see two meanings here with one being more probable than the other- they want his fingerprints off this SNAFU (admit it- the US is already fucked since the neocons have been supporting Israel's destruction of a soveriegn nation as a launching point for Syria and Iran) and they need a fall guy. Or, and this is less likely, they want Condi as a POTUS contender in '08.

Personally, I think they're going to dump Condi by November. Obviously foreign policy is a total fucking failure on all fronts (unless you count the sweatshop owners in the Northern Marianas Islands) and it cannot be the CIC's fault. Who better than Condi who played it how they wanted. They dumped Powell bc he wasn't a "yes man." Why should it save Condi for being a "yes woman?"

Answer: It won't. These assholes believe in nothing but self preservation. That's how they survived the backlash against McCarthy, Nixon and Watergate, Iran-Contra, etc.. They're the fucking cockroaches of the 20th and 21st centuries. They'll gut her and then send her on to some lucrative board like the Carlisle Group or Texaco or something like that. Then she'll turn up on FAUX News in a few years claiming expertise in a field she obviously has done very poorly in to date. It's like being the political equivilent of Ashley Simpson or something.

I just wish it was 2008 already and someone had a giant ass can of Raid.

iPod Lists

2006-08-07T16:01:00.000-05:00

I like lists. All lists. I like iPod lists especially. I saw my 15 yo cousin's this weekend and had to tease her in front of hr mom and her mom's friends that the whole list was either about having sex, trying to have sex or how good someone was at either having or trying to have sex. You might have guessed it- it was all hip hop.

I like hip hop, but I like a lot of other stuff too. FI, I have the entire TimeLife Soul Collection on my iPod. I have Stevie Wonder's Greatest Hits. I have Aqualung's "Strange & Beautiful." I have hours upon hours of Ella Fitzgerald, Public Enemy, Blondie, Alan Jackson, every album the Indigo Girls ever made, Ministry, George Strait, New Order, Eminem, Neil Diamond's greatest hits, Green Day, Paul Simon, every solo thing Annie Lennox has ever done, lots of 80's hair bands, Public Image Limited, Queensryche, U2 (old stuff, not new), Montgomery Gentry, Johnny Cash, Depeche Mode, Marilyn Manson, Anita Baker, Fun Boy 3, Al Green, Dean Martin, the Ventures, White Stripes, Tracy Ullman, Avenged Sevenfold, The Killers, Fallout Boy, Aretha Franklin, The B-52's, Tracy Chapman, Styx, Damien Rice, The Cure, David Bowie, Def Leppard, Sugarland, Player, Crystal Method, Foo Fighters, Frou Frou, Gorillaz, Human League, Megadeth, Dixie Chicks, Dionne Warwick, Barry Manilow (all three greatest hist albums), Metallica and of course ZZ Top. I even have my smoking cessation hypnotherapy tracks and political interviews. There's more. So much more.

In hindsight, it's almost as if my iPod reflects my personality and how warped it is. A little bit of this, a lot of that. Not necessarily reflective of how one person or another views me, but none of it is fake. Every song on my iPod is for me to enjoy, not to impress some asshole who might see my playlist ala the Preznit. And everything on it reflects another facet of who I am or can be depending on my mood or environment.

I wish I had more contemporary jazz but that's about my only complaint about my playlist. Well, that and I wish I had a bigger iPod, but everybody thinks that....

I'm Avoiding the News

2006-08-07T11:31:00.000-05:00

until tomorrow. So far, everything I've seen on TV this A.M. was depressing. As if my own life didn't suck enough, I have to watch the death and destruction in Lebanon and Israel. BTW- did you know there have been over 600 casulaties in Lebanon? Most were innocent civilians. Roughly 50 were Hezbollah. and then there's that report that Israel is leaving pockets of Hezbollah rockets, so they can can the moral high ground in still attacking Lebanon.

That's pretty sick, huh. It's like breaking someones fingers, one-by-one, and then putting a gun a few feet from them. You can still kick them or shoot them because ostensibly they have "access" to a weapon.

But at least Bob Ney is jumping out of the Ohio congressional race. He claims it is to save his family the hassle, but if that were the case, he wouldn't have taken bribes now would he???

Enjoy Monday and check out "The No Sin Zone." She makes me giggle.....

I Think I Found My Trigger

2006-08-04T14:51:00.000-05:00

Or start-up button. I don't know why it finally dawned on me, but the reason my head is so screwed up is I haven't spent enough time recharging by listening to the Indigo Girls. I have "Retrospective" on right now which is their version of greatest hits. I'm feeling better already and I'm not through the first song (well, actually second since I don't care for "Strange Fire" so much. Sorry, but just I don't have a bunch of lesbian angst....). "Closer to Fine" may be best known as college indie hit, but it reminds me of my sophmore year and waiting for my best friend to get off work so we could go study for astronomy. Shit. Things were so much simpler....

Well, simpler than the stupid city council which is about to approve a liar and a social climber as municipal judges. Dumb asses.... I may take this to the paper.....

And on a much weirder note- last night or was it this morning... it dawned on me that I better start knocking out kids soon if I want two or else I may be high and dry. I'm still not sure I'm ready.

The Places My Mind Goes

2006-08-02T14:37:00.000-05:00

So I am checking out huffingtonpost.com as per my routine and I see Nora Ephron has written something again. The link's entitled "Nora Ephron: Reflections On The Results Of Bush's Annual Physical Examination…"

My immediate reaction is "What they're trying to figure out how he got his head so far shoved up his own ass???"

Come on. What else was I supposed to think?

I Knew I Was Right....

2006-08-01T14:00:00.000-05:00

I'm starting to think I'm always freaking right. I wrote about the Cynthia McKinney thing afew months go and how it was utter BS for the Capitol Hill Police to say they didn't recognize her. Turns out there's more to the story and that the SCLM really screwed the pooch. There was a bigger story other than "Uppity Negress Slaps Christian White Man." Stoopid fuckers should have reported on the systemic racism in the police department and the historical pattern of mistreating African-American members of Congress. There have even been lawsuits for crissakes.

Fucking cocksuckers. I seriously hate racism. There's nothing dumber to me. It's as bad as..... miscogyny and homophobia and religious zealotry...... they're all about even in my book.

Anyhow- watch the video for yourself.

Stupid Quizzes

2006-07-31T14:58:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine (hi, Cricket!) has this stupid quiz on her myspace account (which BTW I parodied quite nicely). It's something about "which religion are you?" Poorly worded and can be answered in several different ways but I said WTF....

My results.....

You scored as atheism.
You are... an atheist, though you probably already knew this. Also, you probably have several people praying daily for your soul. Instead of simply being "nonreligious," atheists strongly believe in the lack of existence of a higher being, or God.
atheism
100%
Satanism
96%
Paganism
58%
Islam
46%
Buddhism
38%
agnosticism
38%
Judaism
29%
Christianity
8%
Hinduism
8%

I don't get the Satanism thing. I don't believe in Satan either. Hell, until Christmas, I was an Agnostic. And I hate Pagans. They stink too much and usually need hair cuts and penicillin shots. And don't even get me started on the other results....

These people need to do a better job on the questions if they want to profess "knowing" which religion someone is or isn't. It can really fuck a person up.

Look at me.

Why Being Anti-Terror Isn't Anti-Semitic

2006-07-31T13:14:00.000-05:00

Boy. Ohhh, boy.

The news this weekend sucked. The cable shows were in a frenzy with everything being about either bombs, guns or what happens to people's body parts and an entire country when bombs and guns are put in the hands of small-dicked assholes full of hatred for the next guy over. It was literally depressing. If I flipped through the news channel block on our local cable network for even half a second, I felt like Harry Potter did when he ran into those Azkaban guards- like the life force was sucked out of me. So, I did what comes natural- I watched 10 hours of Mama's Family.

If you don't remember Mama's Family, let me refresh you. It's a spin-off of The Carol Burnett Show. It was s kit in which Carol Burnett played a Midwestern hag named Eunice Higgins. Her slug of a husband was of course played by Harvey Korman and Vickie Lawrence played her mother, Thelma Harper. The skit was a huge hit on TCBS and then spun off into it's own TV show in 1983 starring Thelma and her son, Vinton, his wife, Naomi and various grandchildren and neighbors. It ran intermittently until 1990 and since then has been in syndication. Sadly, I've just learned it was cancelled by TBS and will stop airing in late August (fuckers... I should write them an open letter, too).

My hubby hates the show with the same passion in which I love it, so I usually watch it alone with my dog. It's not the most intellectual or most creative or even the most interesting of shows, but it reminds me of every dead relative I had when I was a kid growing up in the South. Colorful characters who lacked any serious bigotry (unless you were a darkie they didn't know), with simple lives who needed very little in the way of money or power or even recognition. Honest, god-fearing, Southern-Midwesterners with a penchant for yelling at each other or doing the unthinkable.

Damn. I wish life were that simple.

It's not.

Hell, look at Israel. On one hand, they need to protect themselves, but on the other they need to support democracy in Lebanon. And then Hezbollah, they want Golan Heights back and want to stand out from their former backers in Syria and Iran. They're trying to act like they're out of training pants when they aren't IMHO. And the Lebanese government and everyone else is caught in the middle of what boils down to a triangle of hate between the Jews- the Shi'a- and the Sunnis. (Now, if you can remember..... it's the Shi'a and Sunni who are blowing the shit out of each other in Iraq with US troops in the way. So think of this as just as explosive and just as stupid.)

I say fuck 'em. Especially Israel for going to far. They're behavior in killing over 50 kids in Qana this weekend and UN observers last week is just too damn much. They've brought an Howitzer to a rock fight. They're terrorizing an entire nation and the US is letting them get away with it.

No one wants to get into this fray for fear of being labeled a Jew hater or a Nazi. I think that's ball-less. I say Israel ought to step the fuck back and get to the table. If they don't, its leaders should be tried for war crimes and crimes against humanity (but then again I think Bush and Rumsfeld should be too).

I'm not Jewish, and for some that means I'll never understand the Jewish plight. Whatever. That's a bullshit argument. I'm not black either, but I sure like Mary J. Blige and Burger King. I'm not Vietnamese, but I damn sure like fish sauce. I'm not a gay man, but I sure like watching two hot guys get it on. Yeah, espcailly that....but I digress.

One of my favorite commentators is Jewish and is very active in the Jewish community and is known for being outspoken and proud of his religious and ethnic heritage. Who is he? Dr. Eric Alterman, of course. IMHO he is one of the brightest minds in journalism and political commentary that this country has. He is a regular contributor to "The Nation" and a well-respected writer, blogger and former professor. And guess what- he friggin' agrees with me about Israel going too far. Check out his latest post on the US Jewish community's fractured and almost knee jerk response to the conflict.

Think about it and start asking yourselves why we aren't out in the street protesting this bullshit? Why do we sit around in our safe homes, with air conditioning and a large supply of ice cream (we almost always have at least 3 flavors in our house at any time) watching reruns of a show that's been dead for 16 years instead of marching en mass against the death and destruction our "ally" rains down upon a sovereign, democratic nation? What happened to Americans being against terrorism? Does it only count when the victims aren't Muslim? How fucking Christian is that?

Hell, just ask yourself something. A this point, I'm convinced most Amerikans are fucking retarded. Give them a soundbite and they'll goosestep right along side every other asshole without a brain or balls. Start a dialogue somewhere. Do some damn research about Middle Eastern history and culture. E-mail someone who might know someone who knows someone who knows someone.

But whatever you do- don't zone out. If this shit keeps up, you'll need to know how many MRE's to stock in your bunker.

Some Interesting Must Reads On Israel and Hezbollah

2006-07-28T13:49:00.000-05:00

Here are three links that are a fantastic read for some background on how this "thing" came to be shaped and what lies ahead for the US in this foreign policy and military minefield.

Read the Rolling stone piece first. Then the Ha'aretz piece. Lastly, an update on Big Dog's stance. Once you finish them ruminate on these questions:

1. Why is AIPAC so important in all this?
2. What US political leaders have strong ties to AIPAC? (Hint: I posted on him recently.)
3. Why hasn't Bush said anything? Or had Condi saying anything?
4. Has someone tied Condi's hands? If so, why?
5. Why has Tony Blair come in today? American Idol?
6. Why aren't more people being prosecuted for treason? Would their prosecution endanger US business and military interests abroad or would it affect the '06 elections?
7. Why is the State Department still protecting Chalabi?
8. What can we do to redeem ourselves (if anything) in the international political arena?
9. What does the Protestant right wing have to do with out Mideast foreign policy?
10. What's more dangerous: the US addiction to oil or the US addiction to Protestantism or the military industrial complex?
11. Why is Bush still trying to slam John Bolton down Congress' throat? And how does this come into play inside the UN?

Oh, well. You have your homework assignment. Enjoy.

Oh, The Saga Continues

2006-07-24T13:25:00.000-05:00

It's Monday and I have to meet with a pain in the ass attorney in a few hours so they can jack up their billables. Hell, it's still $300 I get to charge my client (who is also a pain in the ass who won't listen to me). But, hey, what's new?

This was in my Inbox this morning. My twice removed aunt or great aunt or whatever has responded to my last e-mail regarding her fake e-mail forwarding. I wonder if she skipped the line where brains were handed out and asked for a second helping of "toolness."

Here's the e-mail:

Dear Raving Badger,
You really have some strong feelings! If you go back to the original letter it is a long way from all the things you are accusing me of. Lets examine your last letter.
No one particularly me cares if they keep their heritage. Like you said the different nationalities have wonderful things to celebrate from their histories. What I do believe is if a person of any nationality wants to become a part of our country they should learn our language and be registered in some way so they can be accounted for just like you and me and then they can recieve what ever they are entitled to,. I wouldn't go to another country and ask them to learn my language and print everything for me. Do you see German, Chinese, Vititnamese, etc instructions on everything you buy? They should get the same pay as anyone else in their trade and employers should be held responsible if they are working illegals for low wages.. I couldn't care less what color of skin they have. We have some dark skin people in our family (yours and mine) I love them all. If you have a better way of granting citizenship to immigrants then, I believe you are in the right business. Change the laws. I AM NOT AGAINST IMMIGRATION only when it is illegal.
Most of the things you were going on about have nothing to do with the original letter in fact if you reread it, it was praising all the different nationalities we have in our country. The way I read it, It was not against immigration but illegals and you can blow it all out of proportion that you want. I am not supporting any Minutemen or neo-nazis .
I am totally in agreement with you on our border security. Bush and his allies are destroying our country every move he makes. There are no telling how many illegals who are crossing all our borders and willing to destroy us. All the more reason to do something about it.
Your remark about red neck crackers sounds like you have some regional prejudices of your own. I hope that all your anger becomes productive.
Sincerely, Aunt So-and-So

Any votes on how I should respond? I'm trying vey hard to count to 10 before responding to someone who is clearly impossible and doesn't get the nuances of how she's being a tool.

I Fucking Hate Redneck Racist Crackers

2006-07-21T15:56:00.000-05:00

and the willfully ignorant, too.

So there's this exchange via e-mail between me and a distant aunt (like twice removed or something) I have never met. It started with one of those damn basement troll e-mails about immigration that reads as follows (I have not cleaned up the e-mail. This is how I received it exactly execept for the Italics for easier reading):

this man tells it like most of us born citizens feel. I hope eachof you DOES pass this on.
hugs,

"charlie"

> New Immigrants > From: "David LaBonte" > My wife, Rosemary, wrote a wonderful letter to the editor of theOC Register which, of course, was not printed. So, I decided to "print"it myself by sending it out on the Internet. Pass it along if you feel soinclined. > Dave LaBonte (signed) > > Written in response to a series of letters to the editor in theOrange County Register: > > Dear Editor: > > So many letter writers have based their arguments on how thisland is made up of immigrants. Ernie Lujan for one, suggests we shouldtear down the Statute of Liberty because the people now in questionaren't being treated the same as those who passed through Ellis Islandand other ports of entry. > Maybe we should turn to our history books and point out to > people like Mr. Lujan why today's American is not willing toaccept this new kind of immigrant any longer. > > Back in 1900 when there was a rush from all areas of > Europe to come to the United States, people had to get off a shipand stand in a long line in New York and be documented. Some would evenget down on their hands and knees and kiss the ground. They made a pledgeto uphold the laws and support their new country in good and bad times.They made learning English a primary rule in their new Americanhouseholds and some even changed their names to blend in with their newhome. > > They had waved good bye to their birth place to give theirchildren a new life and did everything in their power to help theirchildren assimilate into one culture. Nothing was handed to them. No freelunches, no welfare, no labor laws to protect them. > > All they had were the skills and craftsmanship they had broughtwith them to trade for a future of prosperity. Most of their childrencame of age when World War II broke out. My father fought along side menwhose parents had come straight over from Germany, Italy, France andJapan. None of these 1st generation Americans ever gave any thought aboutwhat country their parents had come from. > > They were Americans fighting Hilter, Mussolini and the Emperor ofJapan. They were defending the United States of America as one people.When we liberated France, no one in those villages were looking for theFrench-American or the German American or the Irish American. The peopleof France saw only Americans. > > And we carried one flag that represented one country. Not one ofthose immigrant sons would have thought about picking up anothercountry's flag and waving it to represent who they were. It would havebeen a disgrace to their parents who had sacrificed so much to be here.These immigrants truly knew what it meant to be an American. They stirredthe melting pot into one red, white and blue bowl. > > And here we are in 2006 with a new kind of immigrant who wantsthe same rights and privileges. Only they want to achieve it by playingwith a different set of rules, one that includes the > entitlement card and a guarantee of being faithful to theirmother country. I'm sorry, that's not what being an American is allabout. I believe that the immigrants who landed on Ellis Island in theearly 1900s deserve better than that for all the toil, hard work andsacrifice in raising future generations to create a land that has becomea beacon for those legally searching for a better life. I think theywould be appalled that they are being used as an > example by those waving foreign country flags. > > And for that suggestion about taking down the Statute of Liberty,it happens to mean a lot to the citizens who are voting on theimmigration bill. I wouldn't start talking about dismantling the UnitedStates just yet. > > (signed) > > Rosemary LaBonte > > P.S. Pass this on to everyone you know!!! KEEP THIS LETTERMOVING!! I hope this letter gets read by millions of people all acrossthe nation!!

Soooooo..... now I'm pissed because someone forwarded something to me that is so completely racist, so completely false and did so without ever questioning the views espoused therein. Fuckers are wasting my and everyone else's time writing this shit. And don't get me started on clogging my inbox. Of course, I have to respond. Maybe I was a bit harsh, but I don't think so. We have to use tough love with these nonsensical forwarders.

Here's my response (in Italics for easier reading and my name redacted):

To Whom It May Concern:

Please do not send me this type of racist crap. My grandmother is an immigrant. I have friends and co-workers who are immigrants. This is nothing more than racist propoganda by hatemongers. I won't stand for it being in my in-box.

Further, I suggest you actually study the issue before adopting such a dimsighted opinion.

Sincerely,
The Raving Badger"

Lo and behold....I get a response:

Dear Raving Badger,
I am so sorry that this offended you. I in no way am against immigrants coming to the U S but as this letter says your Grandmother came to our country like so many others from all different parts of the world in the past and unlike so many that are coming to our country now,. She came in legally learned to speak our language even better than she did when she came. She never asked us to print her native language on everything to make her life easier. She never waved the Austrian flag and demonstrated wanting to change our laws.
I am sorry if you feel that I am prejudice. That is totally untrue. If anyone wants to come to our country and go Thru the legal channels, learn OUR language and be productive citizens I am all for it. I have friends from several different countries and none on them are illegal or have asked for special treatment.
Do you think we should just leave our borders open and let anyone in with no restrictions? I wonder if you really read this letter because you really took it the wrong way or your ideas are a lot different then what I thought you were like. Like I said I didn't mean to offend you and I am sure if you ask your Grandmother she feels the same way I do.
Thanks for hearing me out. Sincerely, Aunt So and So

Now my response (I'm holding back in it as you'll see):

Aunt So and So,

What is wrong with immigrants keeping some part of their heritage? Should the Chinese stop eating Moo Goo Gai Pan? Or the Hausmans stop eating Goulash? Or Grandpa stop drinking schnapps? Seriously. Where do you draw the line? You do know, of course, that the assimilation requirements are no different than the Jim Crow voting laws of the segregationist South? Pay a fee. Pass an English test. Prove you can read Shakespeare. It's the same nasty animal and it's utter crap designed to divide people and keep them from successfully immigrating. It's racism with a civilized visage. But it's still racism.

I understand the assimilation argument to some extent, but it's a red herring. There are many immigrant neighborhoods across the US and they have never been a source of problems. What do you care if the signs are in Chinese in San Fransico's Chinatown? Or there are Spanish buiness signs in the barrio? You don't live there anyway. Should Muenster, Texas stop having its Germanfest because German is spoken? Should the Italians stop their Columbus Day parades or Saints celebrations where they sell cannoli? Why should someone be forced to hide their proud heritage? What? Because they don't hail from Europe?

BTW- did you know that the Minutemen that patrols the borders and other groups like them have been fundraising 100's of millions of dollars for building a "fence?" In reality, that money is funding neo-nazi type groups who spread hatred and racism instead of building a wall. It's money for weapons and training for a future race war. That's who's behind this stuff. Join them if you want, but be prepared to have the same blood on your hands. Just because you don't personally advocate shooting border jumpers doesn't mean that you are any less morally and ethically culpable. Hell, even Christ was an immigrant. And the anti-immigration stance is the least Christian of any stance I have seen in politics.

I am all for border patrol, but criminalizing those who are here and who are law abiding, and tax paying (yes, they pay taxes too even though they'll never be able to apply for a tax refund or collect social security or welfare or food stamps or SSI) is wrong. It's punitive and for absolutely no reason at all other than their skin is a different color. Those here should not have to leave. And frankly, I am sick of the xenophobia being demonstrated by redneck crackers with no idea of what all they destroying.....small businesses that depend on low wage workers, entire communities that generate lots of sales tax, churches would lose congregations (esp. Catholic churches), schools would lose their tax base, etc..

If you are looking at this subject as a part of the war on terror, then immigration has nothing to do with it, porous borders do and you better look north to Canada where there is a demonstrable problem. Look to our ports which are presently controlled by the Dubia company we complained about 5 months ago. Currently, they are in charge of no less than 22 US ports. How sneaky of Bush and Co., huh? Willingly handing over port security to a country known for supporting terrorism both financially and logistically??? Damn. That's smart.

Look, it's a crap letter mass generated by some troll in his basement for money. It's propaganda of the worst sort and I will not stand for it.

The Raving Badger

Soooo.. who's right?

Me, of course.....

The Truth About Lieberman

2006-07-20T13:05:00.000-05:00

I've been reading the progressive blogs lately and many of them are pretty rabid about the Lieberman vs. Lamont primary race. They are excited today because Lamont is polling ahead of Lieberman in a well-regarded poll. 51% to 47% is a pretty good result for a guy whose last stint at public service was as a city alderman or councilman or whatever the hell they call it up north. They think they had something to do with Lieberman's implosion.

Maybe they did. Maybe they didn't. I tend to think Lieberman did this to himself and ultimately it was inevitable. Here's why:

Lieberman's only true cause is Israel.

Now before some of you go off on that lamebrained "you're an anti-Semite" shit, understand this- I am not an anti-Semite. Nor am I anti-Muslim or Christian or anything else. I am, however, all for calling a spade a spade and let's face it- Israel isn't all it's cracked up to be.

But before I go too far astray, back to Lieberman....

This guy started off with his roots in the Civil Rights movement. He's a Yankee Jew so that is to be expected insofar as stereotypes go. He appears to be the prototypical Northeastern liberal that scares the hell out of the crackers. And scare them he did. He supported largely democratic causes during the first third of his life in the Senate, but now he scares Democrats. I dunno if it was the standard midlife crisis wherein one starts worrying about their mortality so they get closer to their god or if it was the general instability in the Mideast that became very apparent in 1991 when the US helped push Iraq out of Kuwait and stopped the missile attacks on Israel, but something happened that caused him to start tilting to the dark side.

His voting record changed from 100% pro environment and anti-war to one that is damn near completely opposite these days. In the last 15 years, I doubt there has been a single vote, a single committee meeting or two martini luncheon that hasn't been geared towards helping Israel. I don't think Joe Lieberman really gives two shits about helping Iraqis achieve democracy. I believe he only cares about keeping Saddam out of power and doing that which the Israeli lobby in DC wants. They say "jump," he says, "how high??"

Sadly, I also don't think he's intelligent enough to think through what all has been required of him by the Israeli lobby and how his support of the invasion of a sovereign nation and its subsequent occupation would increase anti-Israeli sentiment. I don't think Joe Lieberman has the smarts to understand the history of the region objectively, to understand how every military movement by the Israeli army, or broken promise to free Palestinian lands from occupation, or threat to invade a sovereign, democratic country, or bomb dropped on a an apartment building full of families with children increases exponentially the collective will of those who hate Israel and wish to see it destroyed. In a sense, he's harming his greatest cause.

Joe Lieberman wears his heart on his sleeve like any typical, bleeding heart liberal. His support of the civil rights movement, his desire to be an attorney, his desire to enter politics in an effort to vanquish bad men from holding office, his peace activism, his support of gun control....these are all stances of someone with a gut level reaction to something he has defined as either good or bad in his mind. He doesn't really think about polls or what his constituents think. And that IMHO explains why he jumped the shark after 9-11. And it also explains why he is reacting so poorly to Lamont's challenge and attacks on Lieberman's voting record.

He's not lying, folks, when he states he votes his conscience. He reacts from his gut. His reactions have been quite emotional if you watch recent footage. Look at his anger. Look at his contempt. He really feels this shit and can't stop himself from getting all aggravated. That's all he knows. But therein lies the problem- his emotional attachment to all things asociated with or protecting (in his retarded head) the Holy Land. It makes no sense to him that voters in his district and members of his professed party disagree with him. He sees his work in this regard as a calling and will never, not even on his dying day, understand why people have deserted him. In his mind, he hasn't changed. We have.

Of course, he is dead wrong. Neither of us have changed, he's just been so sly at his true calling that we never saw it before. So long as he voted and supported mostly Democratic causes, we wouldn't see what he was- a zealot of the worst possible type. The "R" or "D" designation means nothing to guys like him. Wearing a donkey or elephant button is merely a means to an end and doesn't define who he is or what his calling is to him in his mind.

I don't know very much about Ned Lamont and I haven't given him money. I can't even vote in that election, but I feel Joe Lieberman has to go. Elected officials in America should represent Americans and American interests. They should not be more focused on their god or their business, or their personal fortunes, or even another country. In that sense, Joe Lieberman is no better than Duke Cunningham or Jerry Lewis or Bob Ney or Ralph Reed or Dick Cheney or any other past or present office holder who puts his or her interests ahead of the people's business. I think Connecticut voters are seeing that to some degree.

I just don't know if they have enough objectivity at this point to keep Joe and others like him out of office. I hope they do. Twice.

Simmering Down....

2006-07-18T13:57:00.000-05:00

Nah, not really, but I figured I might fake some you out. Or at least try.

So here's my rundown for the day with ass rape as a general theme:

1. I still think my post yesterday is right on. I know. Surprise. Surprise. But seriously, anyone else notice that Newt admitted to the Seattle Times on Saturday that he was worried about the '06 elections and that he GOP would have to rally the base by using terms like "WWIII?" I hadn't seen it as of press time yesterday, but it confirms to me that my gut is always right on this type of thing.

2. I saw FOX News out an Israeli Howitzer division's secret location this morning on live TV. Bill Hemmer had actually just mentioned he couldn't state where he was since he got into trouble yesterday for it and like friggin' clockwork, the screen flashed the name of the town for 5-10 seconds. I won't mention it here since I'm not a dirty fucker who works for Fox and I don't ever want to responsible for people getting killed (unless they personally piss me off or hurt someone I care about). But here's my question, why is Fox the only news service presently embedded in the Israeli military? And how did they manage to get that much manpower and equipment there so quickly? And get a coordinated message with Newt and the rest of those no-dicked mutherfuckers? And anyone know how to get the video???

3. A good friend of mine commented today that he was surprised at Congress passing the Internet gaming statute last week prohibiting the use of a credit card for online gaming (but exempting horse racing?). He's pissed. He's a lifelong Republican (yes, I still love him) and he says he's done with the party. It's no longer a "conservative" party in his eyes, but hell, I've been saying that for 20 years. Welcome to the light, my favorite Italian pink thong wearer.

4. John Bolton needs a fucking enema. That guy is completely full of shit. And himself. He's trying very hard to dismantle the UN (and Kofi is playing bottom again and getting ass fucked in the process. Anyone hear Bush and Blair on him yesterday? He deserves an apology from those two twits.). Yesterday, the mustachioed perv came out and said that the deaths of innocent Lebanese civilians is not morally the same as the deaths of terror victims. What kind of bullshit is that? Jon Stewart should be asking if this guy high. Since when did Bolton get the right to determine whose lives (or deaths) are more important? It's that kind of uppitiness that turns me (and a lot of other people) off to the GOP thus allowing it to get raped by the Christian right.

5. I hope Ralph Reed loses. I hope Ralph Reed loses. I hope Ralph Reed loses........ I know there are some in the Democratic party that would like to see him win so they can rally the base for votes and fundraising, but I don't want that guy anywhere near a position of power. I hope he and Grover Norquist both get audited by the IRS and sent to a not so shi-shi penitentiary where they get ass raped by a toothless mulatto named Tito. It's the least they deserve for fucking voters and honest Americans for so long with their hold-up schemes designed to make them rich and divide this nation.

6. I also hope that Holy Joe seriously loses it on live TV soon. He's such a tool. It's like he has played politics for so long that he forgot what his principles were. I want everyone else to see that before the primary election and I want him to be able to replay it over and over again like that play where Joe Thiesman broke his leg. I saw that and to this day the replays (all 19 of them) stick in my mind. I want it to stick in his mind that he lost his way. That he sold out his supporters. That he became that which he once, as a young impassioned candidate for office despised a politician with deep-rooted sense of entitlement. I want him to know why he lost. And I want him to feel that pain and that sorrow for wasting his life and sullying his previous accomplishments. I want him to get this point: That no one is ever entitled to an elected office. Never. Ever. Not even him.

7. I want to see that video of Bush groping the female German chancellor on the evening news. I want women voters to be disgusted with that pig and thus, themselves for voting for him. You fucking self-hating pussies.

That's my rant so far for today. Now get back to work. Or looking at porn.

I'm Starting to Think Every Neocon Has A Tiny Dick

2006-07-17T13:42:00.000-05:00

....and is stooopid as all git out.

After last weekend's fantastic edition of Meet The Press, I thought I'd try it again yesterday. Oh, boy. Was it a groaner from word "go."

It was seriously fucking surreal- Newt "Just Blow Me Bitch 'Cos That Ain't Cheatin'" Gingrich was calling the skirmish between Israel and well---let's face it---everybody else, World War III. WTF??? Is he mental or just too damn focused on making people scared so they'll vote for his sorry, pimply ass for preznit in '08? He knows damn well it isn't WWIII. He's just saying it to rile up the troops for the midterm elections in less than 4 months. Get 'em nice and scared and they'll fall nicely into that goosestep the neocons love so much. What? Has he already hired Karl Rove as his campaign adviser? At least Joe Biden, even as big of a pussy as he is, said Newt was full of it. With "it" meaning shit.

Then there's Bill Kristol trying his crap on Fox yesterday and Juan Williams calling him out as a warmonger. Watch it courtesy of Crooksandliars.com here. I mean, fuck, he has the temerity to actually call for invading Iran and Syria. Has he any idea had decimated our military is right now? Or the fact that the Pentagon and Halliburton are at serious odds over Cheney and Co.'s underwhelming performance in logistics and the rebuilding of Iraq. For fucksake, they can't even get clean drinking water or unspoiled food to our troops at the rate of $80B a person. Now, we'll try to fight a four front war in the middle of the sandbox with hostiles on every side and have to rely on them??? I don't fucking think so.

Billy's been watching "High Noon" too many fucking times. Grace Kelly isn't going to appear and shoot a guy in the back to save the sheriff this time around. And his dick isn't going to get any bigger by sending young men and women into certain death so his stock options and Sunday morning roundtable dance card gets filled out. Billy needs to come in from the heat and find a nice virgin that doesn't know that his dick is small by comparison with real men who don't have to send out boys to fight their imaginary battles for them.

Then there's Rush "My Dick Doesn't Work At All" Limbaugh sputtering on about getting on with the business of invading Syria and Iran since we've planned to do it this whole time. He generalizes the entire conflict as being a religious crusade. What a fucking moron. (It's a bit more than that you child fucker, you. Smoke another stogie if it gets the taste of virgin blood out of your mouth, you anal cyst fuckwad. I seriously hate Rush Limbaugh. He's so full of shit, and he knows it, but he enjoys the powertrip he gets from all the goosestepping Dittoheads. The guy's so full of shit, his dick won't get up and rather than filling a script in his own name he has to hide it for fear that someone might know and he might get embarrassed??? Bullshit. He's a fucking drug addict hypocrite who goes to a foreign nation known for its child sex slave trade with a full bottle of Viagra. That's too fucking perfect. What? A real woman too much for you, you fat bastard? So you have to fuck kids now?!?) I haven't seen rabbis and Muslim clerics out in force with flakjackets on and carrying their respective religious texts as shields, have you?

Okay. Sorry I digressed for a minute there, but I really do hate that stooopid fucker.

Then there's Frank "Call Me Mike Tyson" Keating getting his lame ass groove on on Fox this AM. He tried to reduce the Israeli conflict to being solely above Muslim extremism. (Nice, Frank, but you know that's not true.) Why didn't he mention Jewish exteremists, too? Why did they have him- a former Okie governor who has a well-known animus to brown people and former FBI agent with no experience in Middle Eastern affairs- on TV? He knows as much about the Middle East as he does about keeping his mouth shut at important moments or what it's like to be tall. My guess, is he's angling for a Veep nomination in a couple of years and has to start now to catch up to the pack since as a DC lobbyist he can't go out in the sunlight. Fox News can sure help there since they don't care if whatever talking asshat they're interviewing short ass creep or not (see Bill Kristol also).

Here's my point- these idiots aren't doing anything more than shaking the bars on their cages. Unfortunately, that rattle is what wakes up the Neocon base and makes them vote. It's the same thing as that fucking color code alert shit. Raise it a notch and stooopid people start pissing themselves.

If we were smart, we'd stay the hell out of this one. We'd apply the same moral principals to Israel as we do say... Russia. For example, Cheney just recently called out Putin for putting down an uprising and suspending elections (anyone else see the Cold War ghosts resurrecting themselves, yet???), but he (and this means the US) didn't say shit about Israel killing a bunch of innocent Arabs and Palestinians sunning themsleves on a beach with artillery fire. One is considered heavy-handed and contrary to democracy while the other is self-protectionist. Frankly, I don't see a difference. It's all bad shit. It's just one is a traditional enemy and the other is a traditional parasite with ties to religious and political leaders in this country. When are we going to stop defending the little smartass on the block who keeps picking fights?? At some point, that boy needs his ass whooped. At least that's the way I see it.

I used to be very pro-Israel until I found out what the hell the government and military have been up to for the last 40+ years. In some ways, they make Saddam look like Mr. Fucking Rogers. It's sooooooo seriously not pretty. And the extremists controlling things right now for the Israelis are all too happy to assassinate any leader that looks like he's about to agree to a lasting peace with the Palestinians. Why? Because they make a lot of money with the paramilitary industrial complex and some imaginary god tells them to. Remember Rabin? Close to a peace accord and then gets shot. Remember Sharon?? They blew up his brain when he started giving back Gaza and the West Bank by removing squatters. And now, Hamas releases a written document actually recognizing Israel as a soveriegn state and this shit happens? It's not a goddamn coincidence.

Face it. There are people there, people in power, who do not want peace in the Middle East. Why should we jump in there to save them? Because some yahoo Baptist's god is the same as a bagel and lox guy in Nazareth's?? I don't fucking think so.

And as for Hezbollah...Christ. Their leader is a fucking nutjob. I mean certifiable. And it's sad that otherwise reasonable men and women now state their allegience to Hezbollah (or Israel) because they overreact to things purposefully designed to stall the peace process. That kind of shit is called manipulation. They're all being manipulated, but rather than stepping back and saying "screw you" to the manipulators, they act like a bunch of tools.

Hezbollah is a tool. But they are a very powerful and very financially secure tool of some powermad, tribal types. And yes, I do mean tribal types because it's not just about religion. That's part of it, but a lot of it is shit like so-and-so killed my father's father's father's father. Or so-and-so took my great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather's land. Sorry, but lots of people in just about every culture have lost land to someone else. How do you think the Indians feel here? And they had a lot more of it. And it's a lot prettier, too. Your's might have oil, but ours has water, and trees, and rich soil and not so many rocks and mine fields. They should be a lot more pissed than you, but they're not. Hezbollah has nothing to lose and a lot of men an estimated 20-25K armed and trained troops) to throw at becoming a bigger over and shaker in the region. This thing is a win-win for them in their minds.

So we're dealing with tools and crazy fuckers. Not a good mixture for a successful resolution IMHO. We should step the fuck back and let the UN try to negotiate a cease fire. It's not our job and it's a job for which we are presently ill-equipped. Let's also not forget that it's pretty hard to take the moral highground in this and claim we're unbiased when we underwrite the Israeli occupation and our most well-known spokesmen for the government and the GOP are rattling their dull sabres like Parkinson's patients on caffeine. Plus, as incoherent as they are, try listening to Dubya. Our f-ing Preznit talks with his potty mouth full. Think anyone can understand him? I can understand my two year old nephew better and he still says goo-goo, ga-ga.

Seriously, we're talking about Newt Gingrich, Bill Kristol, Rush Limbaugh and Frank Keating. Does anyone think of these guys as having a big dick...or a dick at all? Or having what would amount to a dick collectively? I don't think so. They have a hard on for Iran (just like Iraq) because of old grudges (starting to sound like the Israeli-Palestinian conflict yet?) and want someone else to carry the burden just like Vietnam when they avoided service. Notice that not single one of them ever served in the military? That's not a coincidence. I promise you. They talk all fucking macho-like, but in truth- they're hollow shells of men and they know it. It's just they're so in love with power or being close to power that they're willing to sell us and anyone else they can down the river. Why do we listen to them as a nation? Are we fucking retarded? If so, count me out of the Special Olympics, baby, 'cos I'm short on the extra DNA.

I say we finally call "bullshit" and elect some new folks that haven't repeatedly ass raped us yet. At least we'll have a fighting chance unlike a drunk Tri Delt at a roofie convention. And while we're at it, we should change the channel on fuckers like Rush and Billy Boy. They don't deserve the bully pulpit since they're yellow-bellied-tiny-dicked-pussies. We've got more intelligent shit to watch like "Raising the Roofs."

I'm Impressed

2006-07-10T12:44:00.000-05:00

Sunday is my big TV day. I watch multiple TiVo'd episodes of Malcolm in the Middle or Mama's Family much to my hubby's chagrin. I also watch a lot of political stuff. Last night was no different. I caught Meet the Press late last night on MSNBC and for once I didn't want to blow chunks. Russert actually had some intelligent guests with some friggin' real knowledge about the subject they were discussing. Yesterday's show was devoted in great part to a frank discussion about North Korea and what it will take to reign in that freaky handed Kim Jong Il.

Russert had Bob Galluci, Ashton Carter and Bill Richardson on to discuss their knowledge and opinions about how to approach the issue of an increasingly nuclear North Korea. OMG.

It was enlightening. It was fresh, and it was extremely candid about when and where the US has gone wrong in its foreign policy with NK and what we can do to fix it.

My favorite part (hit. I actually have a favorite part) was the portion of the discussion wherein Galluci, Richardson and Carter discussed a six nation approach vs. one-on-one talks. The point about the necessity of bilateral discussions was amazingly cogent. Here's the transcript on the whole show. If you like big brains as much as I do, you'll be creaming your jeans over this one.

Tim almost screwed it up a couple of times like when he tried to get the guests to slam Bill Clinton and Madeline Albright (they didn't fall for it). Tim's best part was just staying out of the way of these big brains as they discussed Korean culture and its preference for form over function and KJI's seemingly crazy antics. I was left a bit flushed at the end and wondering if Tim had shut up completely whether or not these guys would have more fully discussed KJI's motives in his missiles tests last week in relation to China and Japan ( I personally suspect the launch was meant to antagonize us into allowing a light water reactor as Galluci alleged, but that it was also meant to further align itself with China against the US so they could get bigger handouts and become part of China's industrialization movement).

In hindsight, this week's Meet the Press had more to do with showing how very different the Clinton and Bush administrations are when it comes to foreign policy. Clinton was commanding. He had great personnel whom he avidly listened to. Bush plays commander. He's a bull in a china shop who doesn't understand how his macho cowboy antics actually send the wrong message to people like KJI who look for the most minute signs to spur them on in their lunacy. If Bush ever stopped to really learn about the cultures of the people he with whom he was dealing, he might be more successful. For all his staff knows about spinning stooopid Amerikans, they know shit about Koreans, Iraqis, Afghanis, Russians, Chinese, Mexicans, Canadians, British.....

I know most Amerikans can't stand a guy with a brain being in the WH, but damnit- we need one. The brain deficit in the WH is causing serious problems and whoever we elect in 2008 has to understand the nuance of foreign policy and economics in order to clean up with this turd burglar has done.

Tim, Tweety and the rest of the Sunday morning hosts have a duty to help us understand these issues better and to help us find a candidate who at least knows (or whats to know) the difference between Sunni and Shiite before he launches a massive invasion of a sovereign nation.

Are You Getting That Ominous Feeling, Too?

2006-07-06T14:56:00.000-05:00

Every once in a while my head goes into shut down mode. It's there right now. Partly a combination of recovering from my broken leg (much better BTW), not working fulltime, not being active, paying these fucking medical bills, and the long holiday weekend. I can usually get myself jump started with a bit of fun music or a good book, but right now I'm just sorta creeped out by the news.

There's a perfect storm brewing.

Unfortunately, we don't have George Clooney captaining the ship, and we're stuck with those buttfuckers we have in Congress and the White House right now.

Here's my take on it:

While they've been busy gutting meaningful ethics rules changes (you know- the ones that say "you shouldn't take bribes or else"), playing look at the fuzzy monkey with the gay marriage ban and flag burning amendments and xenophobic racist anti-immigration bills, and having hearings on steroids:

*Iraq has blown up into full on civil war with the US forces as occupiers who rape and murder innocent Iraqis
*North Korea's Kim Jong Il decided he was mad at Bush for taking the Japanese PM to Graceland and not extending an invite his way so he figured he lob a few missiles into the Sea of Japan
*Iran shrugs off meaningless deadlines to accept the offer for peace talks (who can blame them? Bush is trying to get a working plan together to bomb the shit out of them for essentially nothing)
*Israel and Hamas are playing chicken with 6+ million people in the middle
*Afghanistan yielding the largest opium crops ever while the Taliban reasserts itself everywhere but Kabul,
*Natural disasters such as flooding, wildfires and global warming abound
*Gas prices and consumption continue to rise
*Foreclosures are on the rise
*Unemployment is still up
* And a still devastated NOLA tries to identify dozens of bodies, and rebuild with little or no help from the federal government

These things can't keep coming with no real response (or mature response) from the White House. Something is going to give. And it won't be some dam in Pennsylvania.

If This Is A Joke, It's Well Done

2006-06-26T15:17:00.000-05:00

I saw a report on the evening news Friday night about the XXXChurch passing out "Jesus Loves Porn Stars" bibles at an adult entertainment convention. I checked out the website 'cos I wanted the T-shirt. Sho' 'nuff the damn site looks real.

But the best thing of all is following the link to "Porn Sunday." And no, it's not a special Sunday set aside for all anal or DP. It's an anti-porn day. This year it will be held October 9th and there are media kits available. Well, you guys know me....I checked out what was listed in the kit and found a reference to the movie that these guys want you to show to your congregation. What's it called???

Wait.....

Wait....

Wait for it....

Be patient....

"MISSIONARY POSITIONS"

bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

To Those Here From the DA's Debate

2006-06-22T16:06:00.000-05:00

I didn't invite you. You don't have the right to say shit about my blog. It's my place to vent so I don't kill dumbass mutherfuckers like yourselves who piss me off with their pussy ass whiny ways.

And, yes, this DOES MEAN YOU.

*kisses*

The Raving Badger

Open Letter to the President of NBC (and other dumbasses who run networks)

2006-06-16T11:40:00.000-05:00

Dear Whatever the Fuck Your Name Is:

Are you an idiot? Or do you not have the balls to fire your programming staff????

There is no reason to keep those idiots on board at NBC (or insert other network here). They don't know what the hell they're doing.

Cable TV rocks. The comedies are funny, the dramas well done and the stories keep viewers coming back. Why can't you guys do that? Is this a case of self sabotage? Or do you just have stock in cable networks and providers?

Here's what I see as wrong with network programming:

Viewers can't rely upon a show to be in the same place on the schedule season-to-season let alone week-to-week. I should be able to count on Las Vegas being on at the same Bat Time, Same Bat Channel. When you put it on hiatus, or pre-empt it with fucking douchebag Winter Olympics you make your devoted viewers ask themselves why they should care about a show when its hosting network doesn't give a shit about it?

I don't have time to keep following a show around. I have a schedule that I stick to. Hell, I've been a Nielsen family. My opinion counts in the 28-35 year old, white, educated, childless demographic. I have lots of time and money to devote to things I enjoy and if I choose to watch TV its because I enjoy it. I 've picked out shows that I like and I have (for good or bad) invested myself emotionally in the characters and plot. Watching those shows is no different from calling my mother to update her on my dog's dumps. If my mother changes her number, I stop calling her. Capeesh??? Stop fucking with Scrubs. It's the best damn thing you guys have. If you move it one more time, I'm telling your wife about that thing you like to do with a bar of soap and a can of Lemon Pledge.

Your programming staff doesn't know how to pick its own nose. Why do they put stupid ass shows like "Joey" on when there has to be a better product out there? For chrissakes, Joey was the uninteresting one on Friends. I know you guys at NBC miss Friends because it was such a cash cow, but WTF? You even stuck with it for a season and a half in spite of the fact viewers hated it. WHY???? I know you want to get the young, hip demographic to stay but let's face it- Friends was over long before it was over. I'm part of the demographic you did so well with during its heyday, but even I stopped watching about 2 seasons before it ended. It was the same tired shit week in, week out. I liked the characters okay and did tune in for a good portion of the last season, but honestly, my heart wasn't in it. You guys milked it for all it was worth and then you had to do "Joey." Your programming staff is full of unimaginative lazy fucking bums. Are they all over 50 with bad combovers and Sansabelt Slacks??? Shirt sleeves and wide striped ties??? Have they heard of T-shirt hell or blogging or been to a concert other something by Lawrence Welk in 15 years? Fire them. Get some youngsters in there who don't think reality shows rock and that the Rolling Stones are still able to get a stiffie without Viagra. You need some smart, hip kids with mortgages and senses of humor. Think Jon Stewart with a pair of sour apple Chuck Taylors and a matching iPod.

Your programming staff needs Neuticle transplants. I had my dog neutered. Broke my heart. My husband thought I was going overbboard when I suggested we might look into Neuticles for our big boy. I thought he might like it in case the other dogs wondered if he were a pussy bitch. From the looks of your programming line-up, your staff either needs testosterone shots or Neuticle implants.

Your choice.

I call your staff pussy bitches because their programming choices aren't fun, creative, imaginative or even slightly out there. One of the best shows I have seen is "So NoTorious." Now, I know.... it stars Tori Spelling, but it is genius. She knows what people think of her and is capitalizing on it with big laughs at herself and her folks. Good for her. It takes balls to put yourself at risk of public ridicule. It takes bigger balls to make us pay to ridicule you when we can do it for free. Good for her. She' doesn't need Neuticles.

I'll write you soon with some more criticisms about how NBC is doing. I think the John Lithgow comedy next fall is a good start, but not enough yet. And I suspect the Baldwin/Fey show will rot quickly.

Anyhow, toodles.

The Raving Badger

When You've Got A Lot of Time on Your Hands...

2006-06-01T11:19:00.000-05:00

You think a whole lot. Since my injury, I've had a lot of time. So here's what has been on my mind: What the hell is wrong with Americans?

My answer: The current education system doesn't teach people to think for themselves, and therefore, question authority.

It's pretty simple actually. When you go to school, pre-school on up thru high school, the system is designed to pour as much stuff into your head so you can pass a battery of tests. Algebra, chemistry, English lit., typing... But the first, they have to teach you the real basics: sitting Indian style in neat little rows, how to play Heads-Up-Seven-Up, how to raise your hand before speaking, the Pledge, getting a bathroom pass before taking off for the shitter... I think you get the drift. It's an indoctrination of sorts. Don't speak unless the guy in charge lets you. Do what you're told. Questions aren't allowed unless the guy in charge says he'll take questions.

It seems harmless enough, but in the end it creates dull, homogenized folks who don't question authority, and don't ever wonder if 2+2 really equals 4. They accept what they read and hear as the absolute gospel. Maybe that's why I take it so personally when journalists abdicate their responsibilities.

I remember my first English class in college. We had a football player in our class. He was assigned to our critique group for an assignment. When I read his essay, I nearly fell out. This guy could barely spell his own name, and forget about a thesis statement. He had no clue. That was my first wake-up call that people were stupid. It wasn't my last. By the time I got out of law school, I was forced to acknowledge that most people just regurgitate information spoonfed to them. I had to relearn my study habits along the way because I had the same training they did. I never looked further in my subject of the moment. I just memorized what I needed for a test. Thankfully, the way I think has become more complex out of sheer will and a little necessity, but that's not so for other people.

They see something once in a soundbite type shot on the news and it's stuck in their head for eternity. They make death threats against musicians for recording songs questioning our government. Why? Because the indoctrination stuck. Making fun of the teacher or upsetting class might end up with detention for everyone. The prospect of not having someone or something dictate their thoughts and beliefs is scary since they may have to be responsble for themselves. It's easier to leave it someone else. Then if things don't go well it's his or her fault. hence- attorneys and why we're so hated.

In a nutshell: Stupid people fear responsiblity and shy away from it at all costs. Those who can be stupid on occasion try their best to avoid it but deal with it when it comes along. Smart people hire someone else to deal with it or create products for everyone else to use in avoiding responsibility.

I wish I had invented the TV.......

20 Second Update

2006-05-11T15:28:00.000-05:00

Broke my leg/ Nothing sexy. Just broke my foot off my leg (tib/fib fractures with the latter being mostly "mush" according to my OS) and required surgery, an overnight stay at the local Staph-Infection-Is-Us outlet. Had my 2 week check-up earlier this week. 4 more weeks non-weight bearing. Guess I should sell my golf clubs....Maybe I should wait. My golf game sucked anyhow. Maybe this might improve it.

Work is hard since I've been flat on my back. If I wasn't addicted to the news before, I certainly am now. My hubby doesn't need to worry about Tylox. He needs to worry about MSNBC and CNN withdrawls. I watch and TiVo Keith Olbermann so I can watch it twice. I *Heart* KO. Some of my clients don't understand that I get tired easily now and that I have forgotten a lot of stuff in the last few days. Most do and I'm thankful for that.

I also hate not being able to do minor things for myself. Like check the mail. Or turn out a light. Or mow the lawn. At least I can still wipe my own ass.

Had to cancel my trip to Chicago tomorrow. Was supposed to scatter my cousin's ashes. He was my age and died of a massive heart attack. Had no history of any health probs. Talk about a wake up call for me. My leg BTW isn't brittle bone stuff. Just bad timing and lack of grace on my part.

Anyhow- I'm totally loving the f-ing news. BushCo sure is taking it in the ass these days. I wonder how old 31% felt getting up there today to questions about the NSA actually tapping 10's of millions of peoples' phone calls? I bet he had to change his diaper afterwards. Seeing that they didn't take this thing to the DoJ for an opinion beforehand, they pretty much knew it was illegal from the get-go. That said- I want that fucker and his minions (including Hayden) in handcuffs. They violated federal law and have repeatedly lied about to the press and the voters. Oh, and Arlen Specter too since that fucker wouldn't put Alberto Gonzales under oath at the last fake "NSA WIretapping Hearings" a couple of months ago. Fag bastard mutherfucker betrayed his oath of office and should be held accountable.

So I ask this: What's more of an impeachable offense? A) Lying about a blowjob to keep from embarassing your wife? or B) Illegally wiretapping 10's of millions (shit even 1 is too many) of innocent Americans and lying about it repeatedly?

If you say "A," you need a fucking lobotomy and a date.

A Bit Overwhelmed

2006-04-21T13:57:00.000-05:00

I've been watching the news with rapt fascination lately. My gawd. Could Bush Co. be full of more shit or be more incompetent? Seriously. It's bad when even my mother-in-law, a Wall Street Journal reading, card carrying Goldwater republican just shakes her head in shame.

Between the major ass fuck up yesterday of calling China Taiwan (formal names and all) and the shout own from that religious sect's own reporter, laughable attempts to rattle sabers with Iran, Harriet Miers being shoved asided, Scotty Boy crying like a sissy during his resignation, Rove slinking off into the dark recesses of the West Wing, Ken Mehlman getting roped into the Ring-a-Dope voting scandal while on the WH payroll, Libby threatening to throw everyone and everything under a big ass bus, sky-rocketing gas prices, all the retired generals finally growing enough balls to out themselves as Rummy haters, CIA bigwigs stating unequivocally that the Bushies and WHIG cherry picked intel on Iraq, immigration reform blowing up like a motherfucker and resulting in possibly millions of newly registered brown and yellow people who hate the backstabbing Republican majority, and creeps with major cases of short-eyes infesting our Department of Homeland security- I'm just a bit overwhelmed.

Overwhelmed with complete giddiness.

Giddiness that my gut instinct about that stoopid mutherfucker occupying the White House being a complete waste of space was right. About the fact that he is an empty shell being propped up by other empty shells. About the fact that Americans are better than what we have been being the last 6 years.

The Bushies do not identify with normal Americans. They don't know what it takes to put dinner on the table, or to even gas up a fucking car these days. They forget that we are a private lot. We value our dignity and our privacy. And though we may be generous, we are not easy marks. We don't like being bent over and fucked in the ass by the guys we elect who turn out to be beholden only to special interest groups who care only about dividends and stock-splitting.

It's incomprehensible to most of us that the outgoing CEO of Exxon will receive $400,000,000.00 for raping the environment, supporting an unnecessary war and bankrupting our national treasurery and our personal pocketbooks. We think TomKat is stooopid for naming their kid Suri because that kid will get teased mercilessly by kids with normal names like Bill or Ted or Susie or Michelle. We think spending $300K for a trip to the wilds of Africa is insane. We see that as college tuition for our kids (or ourselves), or a house, or a chance to work for ourselves instead of the asshole who now signs our checks. Yeah. We just don't identify with dumbasses who waste our efforts.

We're tired of the "look at the fuzzy monkey" game and we want some answers as to why we're in debt and our collective asses are sore.

Personally I am glad to see it. I'm a bit pissed it took 6 years, but at least it's happening now. I have always believed in how good, how benevolent Aemricans can be when others are faced with adversity. I remember the May 3rd tornado and 9-11 and how people helped out. I remember the Tsunami and how many took off from their lives to fly half way around the world to help people they didn't even know. I have always believed in that part of America, but, admittedly, that belief was sorely tested these last 6 years.

I just hope its never tested again.

Oh, No They Didn't.........Ooohhh, Yes They Did

2006-04-10T14:36:00.000-05:00

I've always been a fan of the Indigo Girls and Pink, but now, their stock has gone way up in my estimation. They called out George Bush in a major way in "Dear Mr. President" and frankly, even I was shocked with how public their pronouncement was that his political leadership along with his husbandhood, fatherhood, manhood and personhood have all been miserable failures.

Bully for them. Between them and the Dixie Chicks, hopefully the future of young womanhood won't have to be decided by misogynistic-right-wing-religious-wingnuts or fucktards as I like to call them.

Have a listen here while I research where to buy this song 'cos it freaking rocks balls.

UPDATE: It's on Pink's new album "I'm Not Dead Yet." Which also contains "Stupid Girls" the message of which is too damn cool. Buy at www.itunes.com or www.amazon.com. Support artists with balls.

And Who says Tweety Matthews Doesn't Swallow?

2006-04-05T13:10:00.000-05:00

Many of us less-Naziesque folks have been saying for a long time that there is no mainstream/liberal media. That it was a made up lie told over and over again by Nixon and his small dicked leftovers who now control the White House. Ha. Fucking ha. You can't get more real than this shit.

You can't pretend to be a journalist when you do shit like that or help fundraise for DeLay and Jackoff Abramoff's fake charity. That makes you one of them. Your pretense of having integrity or adhering to a professional code goes bye bye like the pants on the Department of Homeland Security Deputy Press Secretary near a middle school whenever you get near some fucktard with bad hair and campaign literature for God.

What I don't get is why Tweety owes Tommy Boy any fucking thing??? Why suck up to a complete turd who is getting nearly a full hour of free national press coverage from you at no expense? At Super Bowl XL prices, you gave him $288,000,000.00 in free advertising for the GOP. And you wanna throw in a blow job, too????

Seriously. What. The. Fuck.

PS- Just out of curiosity? Tweety, what do you use to get that taste out of your mouth?

Oh Gawd...I Think I'm Having a Spontaneous Orgasm

2006-04-04T11:55:00.000-05:00

I know about G-spots like most people (they're not a myth BTW), but I didn't know about the D-spot. I do now.

D-spot orgasm: (n) The spontaneous orgasm that occurs when a corrupt asshole congressman announces he's pulling out of his reelection campaign and will be leaving his seat early.

Talk about powerful. My knees are still shaking and my butt is still sweating (a sure tell sign).

I was just sitting around, minding my own beeswax flipping through the news last night when I saw the FOX exclusive. I nearly howled with joy, but I was too busy twitching like an epileptic out of meds at a discoteque.

HOT DAMN!

I just wish I knew what caused this sudden turn of events. Maybe it had to do with his former chief of staff pleading guilty as part of the Jack Abramoff probe late last week? Something smells fishy here, and for once, it's not Galveston Bay or Jenna Bush's snatch.

While I am on my favorite subject of politics, let me say this much: Wolf Blitzer is a creep. He had Cynthia McKinney on yesterday and failed at any point to recognize she's telling the truth about security at the House. Who's he covering for? He's been through Capitol security a million times and he knows how it works. Hell, even I know how it works.

I visited DC this last summer and a good friend of mine was working for one of our state's congressmen. I stopped by to see her and she set up a private tour for me to see the Capitol Building. She assigned a staff intern who had been there all of a month to take me on the tour as she had pressing business to attend to. The intern took me downstairs into the basement catacomb to walk over to the Capitol. There were huge lines of people like me waiting to get through security. The lines were too long to wait for (roughly 1-3 hours) so we went back and grabbed some special tags from the Congressman's office and went through security at the secondary checkpoint. We were ushered through in a matter of seconds because the Capitol police recognized her instantly. Now mind you, this is an intern who has been there for all of 4-5 weeks. Not a multi-term Congresswoman.

Now I ask this: If they could recognize this lowly intern and know who who her bosses were (it was obvious from the conversation), then surely, those bozos could recognize a powerful elected House Rep from the South??? Right?

Something stinks here.

Maybe CmK is a bit bitchy. I can't blame her; she's always fighting an uphill battle with the current Congress. Maybe she copped an attitude. She's entitled. She's a Congresswoman and she's often not "recognized" by the assholes assigned to protect her.

I think she gets to play the race card here, folks. I don't see them doing this to that lying sack of shit Jean Schmidt who BTW doesn't have the college degree she claims on her resume.

Maybe the Academy Does Know Better Than Us

2006-04-03T14:14:00.000-05:00

I saw an interview with "Brokeback Mountain" writer Annie Proulx recently wherein she went off on the Academy for choosing "Crash" as the year's best picture. She was pretty angry and at the time, I thought she was more than justified given the outrage BM has endured from bigoted groups. Then I started to watch "Crash" last night.

I was wrong.

To be honest, I had to stop watching "Crash" because its racist themes and misogyny made me feel uncomfortable in my own skin. Seriously uncomfortable. My guess is that's how the Academy viewers felt too. And that's probably why they voted the way they did.

"Brokeback" didn't make me uncomfortable. Sure it had a couple of fudgepacking sheep herders and a bit of violence and adultery, but those are pretty easy themes for Progressives like me to deal with. Racism is different. We're so use to the civil rights movement and accept it as it is. We see how different today is from segregationist's times and think our work is done. It's quite the opposite. It's even harder now to recognize and fight racism because it has gone underground. The fight against fag bashers is a pretty obvious one and makes it easier to rally behind the cause.

For me, that's the difference in a winner and a runner-up- making the hard distinction between one open and obvious hatred and another which is so ingrained in our culture we fail to recognize it until it rears its ugly head in a very public way like the Robert Byrd torture and murder. We forget that institutional racism exists in our courts, in our death penalty system, in our corporate structures and even in high school sports. When I hear people say they don't recognize color, I want to vomit. It's admirable they want to appear anti-racist, but the very fact they say something so stoooopid indicates they do recognize color as a divisive issue. Saying otherwise is plain lying.

"Crash" didn't lie. It exposed the lie. It exposed it in a city known for its liberal agenda and permissive social views. It exposed its own hypocrisy in a sense. It was also the first time in a long time that I saw more than one black actor in a movie that didn't include cutting hair, family reunions or BBQ's, rappers or Compton, CA gang bangers. How sad is that? Even uber-liberal Hollywood has racist tendencies.

George Clooney was excoriated last week on South Park, a show which he had an instrumental part in its discovery and subsequent success. They took shots at him for his Oscar acceptance speech wherein he lauded Hollywood's liberal credentials. I think Matt and Trey were a bit too glib. They should have recognized that George's only mistake (besides not being naked when he gave it) was in not attacking Hollywood's own hypocrisy. Sure he recognized Hattie McDaniel's 1939 Oscar, but did he point out black actors receive less money? Or that there are fewer leading roles for them? Or that when there are roles available, they're stereotypical roles like Hattie McDaniel's was as a slave?

Simply- no.

"Brokeback" was a marvelous film. A stellar piece of acting and directing, but at its heart it was a universal love story examining the ritual of love, longing and loss albeit with two hunky guys instead of Eastwood and Streep or Grant and Kerr or Bogie and Bacall. "Crash" goes further and examines an issue that everyone now ignores and points out our flaws in not doing more to examine our internalized beliefs and biases. Sorry, but that's a bigger burden and a harder task to accomplish so successfully.

"Brokeback" had wonderful cinematography and music and will one day be recognized as one of the best love stories in movie history. It was technically and artistically fantastic in a way "Crash" wasn't. But "Crash" may be recognized one day as more than just another movie as more and more of the movie watching public sees it. It may be recognized as a real watershed moment in cinematic history. It may one day recognized(hopefully) for pushing race relations further from its currently stalled position of false accomplishment.

Maybe Hollywood and the Academy got it right after all.

I Can Be A Real Shit

2006-03-30T14:56:00.000-06:00

There are times that I surprise even myself with how much of a shit I can be. Two weeks ago, I hurt a friend that I actually do give a shit about (vs. ones that I sorta give a shit about and those who owe me money). I didn't mean to. I just started clobbering him/her with my usual know-it-all bullshit. I was right about a lot of it and don't take those essential parts back that would be dishonest and show a lack of respect for this person's intelligence, but I do apologize for my tone and how flippant I was in my e-mail.

I was wrong and given the situation, I made a poor decision to be honest (from my perspective) in such a brutal and heartless manner. He/she deserves better than that especially at such a raw moment.

I also know that despite my hesitancy to use cutsey little smiley face icons and stuff I should have with regards to my 12 step program comment. It was meant as a joke and prolly didn't come off that way in hindsight.

Anyhow, this is as public as an apology as I can make by publicly admitting I am a real shit.

What the Fuck Is Wrong With People?

2006-03-27T15:28:00.000-06:00

I've had a great storyline stuck in my head for the last couple of months. It's a thriller of sorts but rooted in today's chaotic times. One of the things central to the plot is killing certain figures to protect a nation. In getting my head around the concept of assassination or ideological killings I considered the following:

1. George Bush advocated assassinating Saddam Hussein prior to the invasion of Iraq in secret talks with Britain.
2. Cracker mutherfuckers sent death threats to the Dixie Chicks.
3. Matthew Shepherd's killers used the "gay rage" defense.
4. Ariel Sharon might have been assassinated for advancing more moderate approaches to an Israeli-Palestinian peace.
5. Afghani clerics want to give the death penalty to a man who converted to Christianity.
6. "V for Vendetta."

I think violence can be fun and entertaining but ultimately it debases a civilized society. I like fictional works and entertaining subjects more than I like the stuffy atmosphere of academia and "civilized" society. Mark my words, I will never belong to that bullshit uppercrust sticking one's pinkie in the air at high tea club. Not my bag. Seriously.

But I don't like bullies either. In fact, there's nothing that will piss me off more than a bully. Maybe that's one of the reasons I hate Dubya so much. At heart he's a fucking bully. A pussified sonofabitch who pokes fun at people for sport or utterly destroys their lives becasue he can. I'm just still unsure of his motivation. Or anyone else's on that list. Well, maybe V's but in a very academic sense because of the book and the very fact that it is the only example given which is fictional. I might feel very differently if it were a True Hollywood Story on E!.

I can't understand the emotion that leads to what all I have described above. Is it fear? Is it rage? Is it momma bear/bear cub protectionism? Or is it a combination of all three?

Any time one resorts to violence, there is an underlying threat of harm to one's self. You never get to just pop the other guy and walk away without a scratch. That shit's in the movies. When you hit someone in the face, your hand will hurt. You may bruise it, you may breaks bones. It's gonna hurt you whether he gets a shot in or not. And unless you've hit someone before, you won't expect it. Just like you don't expect guns to be quite as loud as they are up close. Up close, they sound like a cannon and you will smell the burnt gunpowder. It will burn your nose. A block away, you can justify it as a kid's cap gun or a late Chinese New Year celebration. But up close, you know what can happen or has happened with certainty. And that can be scary as shit.

I guess what I am getting at is: if you have any concept of these factors and the assault you create upon your own senses, you tend to shy away form using force unnecessarily. When you do resort to force, and you have thought it out at all, you do so as a last resort. Not because it's macho or because it would be without repercussions. You already know that to be untrue.

So why do people threaten musicians who voice their own opinions? What's so horrible about words that you might disagree with? At the end of the day, I think people who make those types of threats have a hard time believing in what they profess to believe and it's easier to wipe the speaker of trutrh off the face of the earth than revisit their own beliefs they have obviously made central enough to their lives to kill for.

I think Bush falls under that same category. He knew according to the secret memo that SH didn't have WMD's. He still wanted to invade. He wanted to kill. To crush SH. We just don't understand why completely yet. Maybe long after that snot-nosed mutherfucker is dead, we'll find something in his Presidential library.

I also think that same rationale applies to Nos. 3, 4 and 5. Better to kill the fag than question why you're getting aroused. It's also better to kill a Prime Minister (the second by the way for that nation) than to admit that most Israelis and Palestinians want to live in peace. It sure would cut the defense and religious industries profits, huh? And it's also easier to say someone is crazy or to cut off their head than accept the reality that Malik won't be fasting with you anymore until sundown. He'll be hunting Easter eggs in three weeks.

Was the fear of being different, or being perceived as different worth killing for? Was hate of a different tribe important enough to kill a leader of a nation, a husband, a father? Is it important enough for everyone to wear the same robes and celebrate the same holidays to kill a man who has been a friend and neighbor?

I can understand the biological imperative to breed as much as possible, and I can understand the biological imperative to herd with like-minded (or colored) animals, but this shit's just too fucked up even for me. But it's not for a lot of people obviously which is why I will write that book (or screenplay) soon.

I could make a fucking fortune. And if I understood why people act like this I could make even more.

Hey, maybe that's why Karl Rove still has a job.....

Balls of the Week Award #6- Split Three Ways

2006-03-23T13:48:00.000-06:00

I say split three ways because there are three of them- Dixie Chicks, that is.

The Chicks are back with a new album dropping May 23rd, 2006. And if the 1st release is any indication: IT'S A DOOZY.

Listen here to "I'm Not Ready To Make Nice." Well-written, well-produced, and a passionate message about the Dubya debacle. I'm proud of Martie and Emily for sticking by Natalie and her First Amendment rights.

Rick Rubin produced it and true to his reputation, he pulled something from these women that translates into, well, balls. Super-trimendous, pendulous, loud, brass balls.

Hoo-fuckin'-ray. Buy it. Listen to. See them this Summer at a venue near you.

I Couldn't Have Said It Better Myself

2006-03-22T10:04:00.000-06:00

This isn't laziness. I swear. It's just this piece by georgia10 at DailyKos.com said everything I thought and felt as I watched that piece of shit in the White House play "press conference" yesterday. I couldn't have said this any better myself and I reprint it here without permission and with great admiration.

Please visit DailyKos.com and click on their advertisers and support their website so more things of substance can exist out here in bloggerland.

"Shame"

I am ashamed. I am ashamed of this President. Aren't you? After watching his press conference today, a sense of shame overtook me. I'm ashamed that he took to the podium today as if he emptied out a container of laughing gas. I'm ashamed of a President who has the temerity to laugh when asked a question about war. I'm ashamed of the whores of the fourth estate who care more about having the honor of being the butt of one of the President's jokes than about exposing the truth to the American people. I'm ashamed that millions of my fellow Americans are so scared and so desperate for leadership that they believe the President's bullshit.

I am ashamed. I'm ashamed of this President, this megalomaniac hellbent on leaving his assprint on the map of the Middle East, no matter how much destruction is wrought and no matter how much blood flows in the streets of lands that never threatened us. I'm ashamed that when I see the American flag waiving, images of flag-draped coffins flash in my mind. I'm ashamed of Freedom's MarchTM. Ashamed when I see villages reduced to rubble. Ashamed when I see the tiny little corpses. God, they're so painfully tiny--lined up in a row, little angels wrapped in colorful blankets that starkly contrast against their gray-tinged faces. Ashamed when I see wailing Iraqis slam their hands against plain, unvarnished coffins, over and over, asking "Why? Is this democracy? Why?" When I see those image of funerals, of broken families, I want to crawl into my TV, I want to go to them and grab their slumped shoulders and scream "I'm sorry, good god, I'm so sorry. I want to leave, I want us to leave, believe me. But they won't listen...No one listens anymore."

I'm ashamed that the word "massacre" is even uttered in connection with our actions in Iraq. I'm ashamed it's not just one massacre that is alleged, but two. I'm ashamed it's gotten to the point that I can't even tell this little voice inside of me to shut up, that little voice that says maybe, just maybe it could be true. That the impossible may be plausible. Before this war, I would have rejected such claims outright. But that voice of plausibility is the consequence of those black hoods. It's the consequence of those leashes, those snarling dogs. It's the consequence of those detainees chained to bedframes. Of naked pyramids. Of forced sex acts. Of beatings and blood-streaked floors.

I am ashamed. Ashamed that Justice is no longer blindfolded, but gagged. Ashamed that in America, in AMERICA, I can only protest in "free speech zones" the size of postage stamps. Ashamed that by the time I'll take my oath as an officer of the court to support the Constitution, I'll be swearing to uphold a tattered document that has managed to survive over 200 years only to be shredded by this President in less than eight.

I am ashamed. Ashamed that in America, I see bearded men panhandling in the street, holding cardboard signs that read "U.S. Vet, can't work, need food. God bless." Ashamed that somewhere, in our America, a grandmother is sitting alone at her kitchen table, crumpled bills clutched in her thin hands, agonizing over the choice before her: medicine for her pain, or food to keep on living. Ashamed that there is a child who will go to sleep tonight on a cot in an orphanage, with no one to read him a story, no one to stroke his hair and kiss him goodnight, because the American Republican Taliban thinks gay Americans can't love, can't parent, can't provide.

I am ashamed of my fellow Americans. Ashamed that they haven't flooded the streets. Ashamed they care more about Brangelina than the Bill of Rights. Ashamed that they're seemingly ok with the subtle but steady transformation from democracy to dictatorship.

Ashamed that they are so gullible.

I am ashamed of myself. For not having the courage or the strength to do anything else but sit here and blog. I write. I protest. I vote. And yet, I'm impotent. Stuck in a unrelenting cycle of hope and despair and hope and despair. What a curse it is to be 23 and want to change the world. What a curse to be so disillusioned so early in life. What a curse to want to change a world that will not change...that cannot change? That cannot change as long as we sit and wait for others to change it. That cannot change as long as our elected Democrats refuse to take a principled stand. That cannot change until they--until we--appreciate the gravity of the situation before us: we are losing America.

This is not America. I refuse to accept it. America doesn't torture. America doesn't jail people incommunicado for years. America doesn't sit idly by as an entire people are exterminated in Darfur. America doesn't stifle science. America doesn't conduct massive, secret spying on innocent citizens. America doesn't believe the individual is an annoyance, an impediment to supreme government power. This isn't the greatest democracy on earth. This isn't the nation that pioneered human rights. This isn't the America that leads the world, that leads humanity towards a greater good. No, I refuse to accept this America of shame. This is not my America.
It is an America perverted by Republican stewardship. A nation that under GOP rule has abandoned its founding ideals of freedom, liberty, and justice for all. True Americans--coast to coast, young and old--now bow their heads silently in collective shame for a nation that has lost its way.

V is for Old Fart

2006-03-20T11:22:00.000-06:00

This weekend was supposed to be one of great partying and shenanigans with Grasshopper and Cricket, but instead since all of us had too many other irons in the fire and responsibilities, we called it off a while back. We were going to go to Austin for SxSW, maybe drive to Dallas for the NCAA's, party our asses off drinking green adult beverages and generally celebrate my naisance. well.... shit happens. Maybe we'll get to go camping this Summer....I doubt it at this point.

Instead, I spent Friday trying to get wild only to find that the majority of my friends have aged more than me and that my last arrest on St. Patty's Day made me a little gun shy (goddamn the police state). We crashed some nice friends' home uninvited, ate their corned beef and cabbage (they were right, it is like a roto-rooter for the soul), ordered Chinese and essentially kept them and their kids up. I realized I wasn't going to have a St. Patty's Day of yesteryear and called a cab leaving my other intruding friends alone to watch "Team America- Fuck Yeah!" I went home, walked my dog, grabbed some water and crashed. A fairly dull night despite my attempt to set a new shot record.

I awoke with no hangover a little before 6AM, but pissed at my badly behaving husband. Took the dog for an extra long walk and called a friend about meeting me for hashbrowns at the Waffle House. Walked to the local bar to pick up my car (I was responsible- yippee!) and made it for some yummy eggs over medium. My plan for the day was to go watch "V for Vendetta" on the giant screen downtown and I wasn't taking hubby after his night out on the town. I swore I wasn't about 15 times. Alas, I relented and his punishment instead was to be dragged thru Bass Pro.

Now, if you haven't been to Bass Pro it is the most god awful assortment of white trash regalia that has ever been collected in one place with the added bonuses of a live fish tank (oooooo!), mounted dead animals plastered on the walls, live cooking demonstrations (love them hushpuppies!), and shooting galleries for your littlest hunters in the family. My husband hated it, and I felt slightly vindicated in less than 10 minutes. Onward to the movie!

So we make our way through the constant deluge of rain, make it to the theater and grab primo seats. My best friend, true to form, is 10 minutes late for the start of the movie and sits elsewhere. Now, I have to preface the next part with the following: I love the graphic novel. I wrote a senior capstone paper on it in college. It was well cast, well directed, the domino montage is most excellent, Natalie Portman nailed the torture scenes almost frame by frame from the book, but the screenplay was disappointing. It got too much away from the book especially at the end.

It cut away from the stripper who kills Leader. It failed to get after the computer system called Fate. It focused more on Finch than Dominic. It lacked serious iambic pentameter in every scene in which V appears. It didn't mention Finch's LSD trip once and pretty much cut out the counterculture. It didn't focus enough on Evey's choice not to unmask V. And it made a love story bigger than it should have been.

In a sense, it was V, but in a more artistic sense- the sense of the graphic novel- it wasn't.

I still liked the movie and thought it had a powerful message. But it was a powerful message distilled for the dumbasses who inhabit the red states. Maybe, dumbasses need to be dumbed down to. I dunno. I never really thought of myself as a member of their flock.

Unfortunately, flocks don't see layers upon layers of subtext. They don't see irony, and symbolism and historical reference. They like blow 'em up action flicks and that's why they'll see this movie. A few will actually draw a correlation between the movie's government and our government. Some will simply paint V with the broad brush of being a terrorist. Others will see his humanity and his passion for his country and for free will.

I saw a good, almost great, movie, but I didn't see a masterpiece on par with the graphic novel.

Such was my weekend. It was good, but not great. It wasn't a masterpiece like Vegas. Like it was supposed to be. Like I planned for months it would be. It didn't appropriately welcome me further into the depths of middle age by giving my rapidly evaporating youth a fiery sendoff. I never puked, got hungover, wondered if my behavior was appropriate, acted impulsively or even passionately. It was safe and wouldn't get me expelled from the flock should I ever find myself becoming the herding type.

My name is The Raving Badger, and I am an old fart.

Balls of the Week Award No.5

2006-03-14T14:32:00.000-06:00

I sure loves me some Dame Helen. She called out the press corps and called them a bunch of lap dogs. I only wonder why she didn't call them a bunch of pussified bitches which is exactly how I see them. It's a shame that bloggers have had to take up the mantle of the free press because of corporate fuckers who sell info-tainment for tax breaks and refuse to do their jobs in a meaningful way. They, like Congress, have abdicated their positions of responsibility within our democracy. They ought to be skinned alive and misted hourly with a 50% brine solution under heat lamps.

Fuckers.

Goddamn! What A Lucky Woman!

2006-03-13T11:16:00.000-06:00

Here are three lucky women that I envy as of this very moment:

1. This Oslo, Norway woman turned on her kitchen tap and out came beer instead of water. 'Nuff said.

2. Marey Carey, a well-known porn star of such classics as "Lesbian Big Boob Bangeroo 2" and "Lick My Balls," and a former GOP candidate for governor of California, will meet once again with Karl Rove and Dubya this week. It's not that I like these guys, but I envy the fact she'll get to make these assholes uncomfortable in spite of the fact she hardly ever wears a strap-on.

And......

3. Federal Judge Leonie Brinkema who got an opportunity today to fuck with the federal prosecutors running the Zacarias Moussaoui trial. These bozos coached 4 FAA witnesses in direct violation of the judge's order and she found out. Right now she has the ability to take the death penalty off the table and is making them sweat. I envy her because she has a prime occasion to call attention to the rampant abuses of the judicial system that occur under the current DoJ and the multiple violations in this case alone. Hey, I think the guy is a major turd, but the purposeful undermining of our system for a mark in the win column is as good as giving Osama Bin Laden a victory. Rule of Law is more important that vengence. Civil rights and a fair judicial system are more important than giving this guy a lethal dose of drugs. He alone was not responsible for 9-11. I think more fault lies with Bush, Condi, Cheney and Rumi than with this turd burglar. The fact is: they were just more into pushing their bullshit energy policy than protecting us from harm. They're arrogant dickweeds who should be publicly shamed and shat upon by morbidly obese people with explosive diarrhea as opposed to being given ten minutes on the CBS News to taut this as a win for our society. It's not. It's a sham. It's a hollow, meaningless diversion from what's happening to our society. If you don't believe me think about "gay marriage." See what mean???

I Heart Sandra Day O'Connor

2006-03-10T12:52:00.000-06:00

She whooped the asses of the Justice Sunday bunch including "Tommy Boy" DeLay, "Lobbyists First" Frist, and John "My Middle Name is Hypocrite" Cornyn for attacking the very fundaments of our democratic system and pushing us towards a dictatorship. She is (as Snoop would say) the shnizzle. I have one regret, however, SHE DID IT AFTER SHE LEFT THE BENCH.

If she would have only said it earlier, maybe we wouldn't have the Bobsey Twins of the Christian Right Wingnut Brigade (henceforth "CRWB") sitting in prime postions which are essential to our democracy and assaults on Roe that are already occuring in South Dakota, Mississippi, Oklahoma , Tennessee and other backasswards states.

I guess it's better late than never. I still love it when people speak truth to power and have some common fucking sense.

Sorry, Aerosmith. I Just Couldn't Resist

2006-02-13T11:12:00.000-06:00

Here's my stab today at humor. Made up by 'lil ole me:

Dum, dum, dum, honey what have you done?
Dum, dum, dum it's the sound of my gun.
Dum, dum, dum, honey what have you done?
Dum, dum, dum it's the sound
Cheney's got a gunCheney's got a gun
His whole world's come undone
From lookin' straight at the sun
What did Scooter Libby do?
What did he put you through?
They said when Libby was arrested
they found him underneath a desk
But man, he had it comin'
Now that Cheney's got a gun
he ain't never gonna be the same.
Cheney's got a gun
Cheney's got a gun
His dog day's just begun
Now everybody is on the run
Tell me now it's untrue.
What did Scooter Libby do?
He jacked an agent named Valerie Plame
The man has got to be insane
They say the orders he was under
the Novak and the blunder
knew that someone had to stop Miller
Run away, run away from the Fitz yeah, yeah yeah yeah
Run away run away from the Fitz yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Run away, run away, run, run away
Cheney's got a gun
Cheney's got a gun
His dog day's just begun
Now everybody is on the run
What did scooter Libby do?
It's Cheney's last F.U.
He had to take him down easy and put a bullet in his face
He said 'cause everyone believes him.
The man had such a bad case.
He ain't never gonna plead the same.
Run away, run away from the Fitz yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah
Run away run away from the Fitz yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Run away, run away, run, run away
Cheney's got a gun
Cheney's got a gun
Cheney's got a gun
Everybody is on the run
Cheney's got a gun
His dog day's just begun
Now everybody is on the run
Because Cheney's got a gun
Cheney's got a gun
His dog day's just begun
Now everybody is on the run
Cheney's got a gun

Sucky Things and Not So Sucky Things

2006-02-06T11:10:00.000-06:00

Some days there are lots of sucky things and some days there are some not so sucky things. I think today is one of those days. I woke up without a hangover which is a huge plus, but my ass was doing a Diet Pepsi impression- brown and bubbly. Then I remembered that I won a 42" big screen HDTV last night. Sweet. Then wait... I have to pick the damn thing up today.

And then there's watching my very married friend make out at the bar with a someone other than his wife last night. I like all three of them and I'm a bit offended he could not be more discreet. Simply put, people cheat. It's not right, but it's a fact of grown-up life. This guy doesn't seem to have a reason to cheat. His wife's all over his jock, she raises his grandkids and their teenager while staying trim and running his business office and the family finances. He stays out partying and now confirmed running around on her. I don't begrudge him happiness and let's face it- none of us really knows what happens behind closed doors. BUT THAT'S THE WAY IT SUPPOSED TO BE. Take the trick home, not in public where your mutual friends have to see it firsthand and therefore be made part of the whole fucked up scenario. And worse yet, he's been seeing this woman (also a friend of mine) for several years. So it's not just a pick-up. It's a family friend and an actual relationship. Ouch.

Then I saw that the gay bar hatchet guy has ties to Neo-Nazi's meaning that his crime spree was hate based, but worse than that, he shot and killed a poor cop in Arkansas. Then he shot his friend in the head before engaging in a shoot-out with more cops. WTF? Why? Who the hell raised this kid? Atilla the Hun? And who taught him it was okay to fuck with other people or their lives? Fucking proselytizing fuckers. I wonder which "group" they'll single out next. Bulemics? Intersexed people? Steelers fans with sleeveless shirts who annoy the fuck out of me?

And Betty Friedan died Saturday. I just found out. That sucks. And it sucks worse there's no one to pick up where she left off. People are too lazy, scared or disinterested in attacking real issues anymore. They'd rather just get their 15 minutes by being on "The Bachelor" or "Flavor of Love" (which BTW is creepier than shit). We need more people like her and less people like this.

And the all of this has me thinking about "My Name Is Earl" and his concept of karma. The gay bar hatchet guy deserved to die a violent death for what he did. He ended up shot all to hell by a bunch of cops. His body lying in the Arkansas road like a dead cur dog. That karma can be a real bitch.

Betty Friedan rocked. She did many important things with her life, the least of which was changing how we view the sexes and the concept of free will. She had a long wonderful life. Karma can be really kind.

Ralph Reed has been a cock sucking hypocrite his whole life. If karma is kind, maybe he'll end up in prison sucking a few uncut, frumunda cheese laced cocks of his very own. He certainly deserves to. At the very least, he should lose this election. It's just too bad karma won't go as far as to inform his Christian base that they have been tools. That they've been used for a political agenda and that no one from Ralph's crowd really gives a damn about them unless votes or money are needed somewhere. On second thought- I wonder if that's how a whore feels after being pumped full of spoo by some gnarly breathed asshat with a five dollar bill..... Oh, karma, where are you.

I hope my TV win was karma telling me I did something right finally. Or hell maybe I'll drop it on my foot tonight and have to have very painful and expensive surgeries to repair my mangled foot. And I hope for all three of my friends' sakes that the wife never finds out about her husband's bad behavior. I said karma was a bitch, but it ain't shit compared to a woman scorned.

Balls of the Week- Uno, Dos, Tres, Quatro....

2006-02-02T17:08:00.000-06:00

These Georgetown law students so totally fucking rock.

During Gonzales' speech, the protesting students stayed standing throughout the speech. Five students stood up and wore black hoods reminiscent of ones used at Abu Ghraib. The hooded students held a banner reading the words of Benjamin Franklin: “Those who would sacrifice liberties in the name of security deserve neither.” Third-year law student Devon Chaffee, said later, “We believe that as law students, we must stand up for the rule of law over the creation of a culture of fear.”

My dean would have suspended us and black balled us from practicing law anywhere. Thank god there are some good replacements for us out there. I was afraid the profession was turning into a bunch of cyborg assholes more concerned with capital gains tax issues than our oath to uphold the Constitution.

File This One Under "WTF????"

2006-01-31T11:02:00.000-06:00

I know I could go on some diatribe about Sam "Borkeamada" Alito's confrmation and how pussified the Democrats are, but instead I'd rather wallow in THE DUNGEON.

Seriously, the Dedham, Massachusetts prosecutor thought he'd get an easy conviction against a dominatrix whose slave died during a session. What a fucking putz.

First off, although I'm not in that lifestyle I do understand a few things:

1. The guy was paying her to beat him.
2. His heart attack had little if anything to do with her beating him.
3. Being a professional dominatrix is not the same as being a prostitute.
4. BDSM does not as a general rule involve sex.
5. Most people are not so open to the idea of paying cold hard cash to someone in leather thigh high boots to spank their ass bloody with a leather strap.
6. People into the "lifestyle" aren't exactly public about it.
7. DA's are shameless schmucks who are beholden to the almighty election and will do anything for free publicity even if it means DONNING A LEATHER HOOD IN OPEN COURT AND DEMONSTRATING HOW THE DECEASED WAS BEATEN.

I think the prosecutor had a chubby when he was doing that. I don't think he took this guy's death seriously and he used it as a reelction platform. Luckily, the jury pushed the DA off into oncoming subway traffic before he could ruin the dom's life. Good for them.

The best part of this fucked up story is that the DA tried this case with an alleged confession from the defendant that wasn't recorded nor written down, there were no investgators' notes, there was no body, no blood, no DNA, no weapon and no witnesses. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Zero.

Sounds like the DA just wanted an excuse to play dress up publicly. I wonder if this judge had a penis pump too....

The Greenberg Traurig "Payola" and Dubya- The Jack Connection

2006-01-27T11:03:00.000-06:00

I started this yesterday and have tried to get some better bloggers than myself to raise this torch but with no luck. Here goes:

1. Jack Abramoff was part of the Bush Transition team for the Department of the Interior. The same department that oversees tribal gaming.

2. Jack leaves the Bush transition team to work for the law firm Greenberg Traurig in January 2001.

3. Greenberg Traurig had just devoted major resources to the Bush Campaign in the Florida Recount.

4. The Bush campaign ran up a major league legal bill which has still not been fully paid.

5. According to my research at least $314,000 is still unpaid at this time, but GT's income has more than quadrupled.

6. Jack's work for GT involved Indian tribes and its that "work" that has led to his guilty pleas in bilking the tribes of millions upon millions of dollars.

7. Jack's best friend at his former lobbying firm Preston, Gates & Ellis was David Safavian who was arrested in September '05 for corruption charges related to his job as the head of government procurement for the General Services Administration. Notably, Safavian's appointment by Bush had at one time been held up by Bob Byrd whom I bitch about below.

8. Jack and David worked on the Northern Mariana Islands bit with Tom DeLay which resulted in an ill-timed criminal investigation which was halted only after the US Attorney was demoted. Curiously, this happened right after US Attorney Black sent a subpoena inquiring into some of Abramoff and DeLay's dealings on the islands.

9. In 1997, then Governor of Texas George Bush wrote a letter on behalf of Jack's client the Commonwealth of NMI. Jack billed the Commonwealth for Bush's letter.

10. Jack's assistant, Susan Ralston, went to work for Karl Rove. She's been subpoenaed in the Plamegate- CIA Leak case.

See, these are just part of the links between Bush and Jack, so it is complete and utter bullshit that Bush says there's no story. It's also hogwash that Dubya gave back only 6K of money he claims was connected to Jack. So far, the tab is over half a million bucks. 100K pioneer status in both elections plus the 300+K from GT in inkind donations of legal services. It sounds like payola to me.

If I were David Gregory I'd start looking for photos from the Texas governor's mansion and FOIA the call logs while Bush was governor. There's some serious shit there I'd bet.

I Normally Just Go To Sleep....

2006-01-27T09:44:00.000-06:00

Researchers are now saying having sex before public speaking calms nerves. Shit, I just normally fall asleep.

Maybe it works too well for some of us.

Hey Bob Byrd, Shit or Get off the Pot

2006-01-26T15:44:00.000-06:00

I was checking the latest status of the Alito confirmation hearings (Kerry wants a fillibuster and some Dems are turncoats). I saw on thing that really chapped my hide- Senator Robert C. Byrd of West Virginia, a friggin' Democrat, is supporting Sam "Borkeamada" Alito for Sandra Day O'Connor's seat. WTF???

Did Byrd forget that Sam Alito doesn't support miner's rights? Did Byrd forget he's in a reelection battle in a state that has not once but twice in the last three weeks suffered the loss of its miners due to safety issues? The same safety issues, Borkeamada thinks are too unworthy for serious thought and attention?

If Byrd, doesn't see the correlation there, then he needs to retire. Obviously, his advanced age is getting to him. He needs to shit or get of the pot.

PS- I called his office to ask what was up with his support of Borkeamada. It took me three tries and when I did get through (voicemail was full) and there was a party going on in the background. The girl answering the phone was barely listening to me, referred me to a website for Byrd's "view." It did nothing more than say, some people thought Teddy Kennedy was mean to the big liar and I feel bad about it, so I'll vote for him. Maybe his wife will stop boohooing for the camera's now.

If I were a Senator and my staff was half-boozed up in the middle of the day having a very loud party while business wasn't being conducted, I'd fucking fire some sorry sons of bitches. Instead, I doubt he's aware of it. Maybe they turned down his hearing aid or it's his naptime.

More on the Bush-Jackoff Relationship

2006-01-26T14:55:00.000-06:00

A few blogs I visit daily have been commenting on the Bush-Jackoff photos and their relevance today. They make the point that Dubya's protestations this A.M. about when he'd release the fabled photos were a bit much. If Bush is telling the truth (Seriously, would that weasel even know what the truth is? Even if it was a ping pong ball shooting out of his greasy snatch?) in that the photos are irrelevant, then why has the hosting site taken them down at the White House's request?

I started hand-searching the website's cached areas and haven't hit anything yet, but I know there will be something out there in this age of technology. Those photos will go live one day soon, and then Bush will hate saying it's irrelevant all the while having his office hide it. Their actions belie their words. It's relevant for some reason. Maybe the photographer accidentally included the tube of KY in the shot....

Oh, BTW- just in case you didn't remember- The Bush vs. Gore election battle was very expensive. Jackoff worked for the firm Greenberg Taurig. That particular firm worked on the court battle over the Florida recounts. In the end, they forgave over $314,000 in legal bills incurred by the George W. Bush Campaign. Doesn't that make more of a difference than the 6 or 8K that Bush says Abramoff gave in him campaign donations????

I'd fuckin' say.

Why Jack Abramoff is Invited to the Circle Jerk, But Not the Prom

2006-01-24T09:46:00.000-06:00

I know it's been a while, but shit- I have a life and unfortunately I haven't had DSL at my ofice since the cheap ass wanker known as Larry Stewart moved out and fucked all of us here in the office. All the fucker had to do is tell the truth and do it with two weeks notice instead of two days notice. From this point forward, he will be on my eternal shit list. May his wife catch him bed with a Vietnamese prostitute while he has a tennis racquet stuck up his ass....

So, back to Jack.... Jack's daddy's a bit pissed at George "Whattahunkovman" Clooney for making masturbation jokes during last week's Golden Globes presentation. Big deal. No one listens to George anyway. We're too busy drooling (straight guys alike). And now, TIME is saying they've seen five different photos of Bush meeting with Jackoff after Scotty Boy said there was nothing to the rumors of Jackoff and Bush having their own Brokeback Mountain moments in front of the camera. Well, lordy, lordy. I guess they left Scotty Boy outta the loop on the family photo-op stuff yet gain.

I can see why Bushie is acting like he doesn't know Jack. Jack's going to the federal pen. Jack's greed got him in bed with the mob, and his...ahem...relationships with certain powerful congressmen will cost many people their jobs and the GOP their fundraising superpowers and probably give Congress back to the Dems in the '06 midterm elections. Bush has enough problems right now, but five years ago, that wasn't the case and everyone was "chummy."

Now when I say "chummy" I mean chummy in the way one acts towards the guy who gave him a handjob at band camp, but that he wouldn't even say "yo" to at the junior prom. Sure, Jackoff was a Bush Pioneer having raised over 100K for Bush's election efforts in 2000 and 2004. And sure, Jackoff put a lot of money on the table for many powerful Congressmen. And sure, Jack got some return lip service from Bush and others on behalf of his clients back then, but he let his ego get in the way. He got cocky and he did a really poor off-off-off K Street version of Icarus. It's the difference between confidence and being a slimy dick.

Jackoff is the creepy drug dealer you cozy up to at the backwall of a dark party hoping to get a stray toke or bump from, but by the light of day, you won't acknowledge who he is. To do so would to embarass yourself or to seem too lowbrow. Jackoff is the waitress at your dad's diner who sucks your dick in the storage closet. Jackoff is the cheap blonde dancer whom you knock up in the Poconos on the sly while you're really chasing the Jew doctor's virgin daughter. Jackoff is new money tainted with the brashness of faux accomplishment who will struggle his whole life to get his son married at the country club. Shit. He's Rodney friggin' Dangerfield (sorry, Rodney but this is working for me now).

I kinda feel sorry for Jack. Two years ago, he could do no wrong and everyone wanted to break bread with him at Signatures so long as he was paying the tab and giving out free green fees at St. Andrews. Now, he's back to being the lowlife they always thought him to be. That's a pretty sad state of affairs for a guy whose business it was to be the prettiest belle of the ball.

Maybe he will be in prison. I hear they like boys with purty mouths.

Count Me A Little More Than Pissed

2005-12-30T12:09:00.000-06:00

I'm pretty much fuming right now. Between the asshole attorneys who have kept mum about their refusal to work with my client on a particular order and lien release, having to attend a holiday party this evening, my husband's pissy mood for the last week, and two things I saw in the paper this morning, I'm about ready to hit the next mutherfucker who walks in my office with a shit-eating grin.

I set a hearing on the law matter and just faxed over the notice for next week so they can't hold up closing and put my client in danger of another contempt. [My phone's ringing right now. It's the lunch hour- fuck whoever is calling. Oh, and now, they're calling my cellphone. Bastards.] We have a timeline, and they have set plenty of stuff without notice to me in the past.

The holiday party I'll have to endure. There's no way to avoid it. I'll beg off early enough to go get real food and go home and play with my dog which is about the only thing that makes me laugh these days. I fucking LOVE that dog.

I've told my husband three times this morning it was too bad he didn't stop breathing in the middle of the night. I don't really mean it (well, very much), but I'm sick of his contrived reasons for being pissy. His sister's greed isn't reason enough to fuck up my good mood, and one should go home waaaayy before midnight without being dragged out of the bar.

And the two things I saw in the paper are just plain fucking wrong:

First, a Pawhuska, Oklahoma ambulance service may have to go out of business because FEMA hasn't paid them for the 100K worth the service they provided during Katrina. That's utter bullshit. The EMSA service paid the expenses upfront and they have no cushion due to cutbacks in Medicaid by the GOP controlled Congress and White House. Without at least reimbursement, they're fucked.

FEMA has the money. They've had the money for two months. Why won't they just pay the goddamn bill so innocent taxpayers don't have to go without emergency medical services??? Worse yet, if there's another disaster and this ambulance service is still around (doubtful) they probably won't do business with FEMA and people might die because of that. I guess that's the compassionate conservatism that all those damn NASCAR fucks voted for because Jeebus told them to.

Second, the Department of Justice is opening an investigation into the NSA's warrantless and illegal wiretapping of American citizens. Shit, they knew a year ago that the New York Times had that "top secret" information. Why didn't they start the investigation last year? Might it have something to do with the fact the Times finally printed the story and this is political retribution for fucking with the Bushies and their neo-con ass pals? Could it be they're muddying the waters before Rove gets frogmarched outta the White House? Or could it be another swift-boating to avoid impeachment talks? You make the call.

Oh, and for what it's worth- watch "The God Who Wasn't There." I watched it on Xmas with the hubby (I know it's irreverent but fuck you if you can't take a joke). I had always considered myself a hopeful but militant agnostic. Not anymore. Count me an Atheist. Shit. Card-carrying. The correlations between the "hero" myths and Christ (and Osiris, and Muhammad and Buddha, etc., etc., etc.) and the fact that Paul never once in 80,000 pages mentions a historical Jesus or any of the highlights of his life is just too much to ignore unless you're a fucking retard. If people would stop buying into all that mumbo jumbo and end of times shit and stop listening to backasswards popes who call for people to ignore intellectual and technological advancements in favor for a dark ages view of life and science, maybe we wouldn't have stooopid ass wars and so many goddamn dumbass mutherfuckers out there who don't use birth control and act like fucks because they can claim moral bankruptcy any Sunday morning on their way to IHOP.

Fuckers.

Happy fucking Hannkwansass Year.