November 21, 2005

I've Been Ruminating On....

Some fairly trivial matters recently in an attempt to stave off the burn-out quickly approaching this holiday season. My Christmas cards are 98.9% done (thanks to not finishing them last year giving me a headstart for this year) [Note to self: double check to make sure no one died or got divorced], my shopping is going to be lighter this year as I'm trimming my list of dickheads that are just business gifts (they never give us anything anyhow including a thank you), and I've been watching hours upon hours of Malcolm In The Middle. I love that damn show. Almost as much as my dog. Almost.

So, I was skimming some blogs I visit from time to time and saw a list of 10 movies some girl hates and it started me thinking: What 10 movies can I not stand? Which bore me to tears? Which make me itch to slit my own wrists anytime I am forced to see them? Well, here's that list:

1. Rushmore- I couldn't stay awake at the theater. My ex-college roomie thought it was spectacular. I thought it was contrived and I hate the 40 year old looking student in it, Jason Schwartzman. Maybe it's a Jewish thing....Nah, it's just a sucky thing.

2. Star Wars movies- I'm counting them as one or my list would be damn near finished. I FUCKING HATE STAR WARS AND WOULD RATHER HAVE A HOT IRON POKER SHOVED UP MY ASS ON THE 50 YARD LINE AT A MICHIGAN HOME FOOTBALL GAME. I have never, ever, ever been able to stay awake during one of these whack-off films for nerd boys. And if I have to hear about Princess Leia's (there- it's fixed for NS) cinna-bun hairdo and gold bikini one more fucking time....

3. Bat Man movies- see explanation for No. 2 above.

4. It's A Wonderful Life- Some may consider that sacrilege, but fuck 'em. This is my list. I hate this saccharine sweet asshat of a movie. I like Jimmy Stewart and I like Donna Reed (especially thinking of her giving a BJ 'cos it's dirtier coming from her than say Jenna Jameson), but damn I hate that movie. I hate it so much that everytime a bell rings I curse those fucking angels.

5. She Hate Me- I watched this one the other night when I couldn't sleep. I kept hoping it would put me to sleep (maybe an eternal one 'cos it was so bad), but it didn't. I just kept shuddering in horror. If ever there was a film that looked like it was edited by morons, and directed by illiterate, blind, prepubesent Pollacks, this would be it. It was totally disjointed and its poor attempts at morality and lessons about love were completely lost in between shots of pointless girl-on-girl action and animated sperm.

6. Team America: World Police: I tried to love this one, really. I did. But even the depiction of North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il and the "America- Fuck Yeah!" song couldn't save it. I'm sorry Matt and Trey.

7. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid- This is a jerk-off movie for "straight" guys (and yes, this includes you Boy Wonder if you're reading this). Fine. It has good cinemaphotography and great locations, but it also provided the name for that girlyass film festival and spawned the horrible woodbacked movie posters for guys to put up on their walls. Guys should just admit this is the early version of Brokeback Mountain which I will, in fact, see because it has Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal making out and having rough sex. If BCSK had had the balls to make Newman and Redford fuck each other (or at least give each other a brotherly handjob) it may have been okay. I just got tired of waiting for them to do it. Complete waste of time.

8. Metallica: Some Kind Of Monster- It just reitterated my disgust with Metallica and why they are now a bunch of pussies after having been rock gods almost on par with Led Zeppelin and the Beatles. Fucking prissy sellouts. Whaaaa, let's all cry now and have a group hug. Pointless utter bullshit. I could care less about Lars' and James' feelings. Feelings are for pussies. Not (former) rock gods. What are they clitorises?

9. Fame- My husband may have thought Irene Cara was hot, but I thought she should die. Is she black, albino, Latino, what? What? And the Jewish guy with the piano. Can he fucking shut up? And that dumbass comedian. When he crashed and burned on stage, I thought it was great. It would have only been better if the whiney chick with curls had eaten herself to death ala Orsen Welles. Mmmmm. cake.....

10. Rollerball- Chris Klein got burned by "The Soup" this weekend when they made fun of him and his uber-heterosexual crap and not liking fat chicks and they pointed out that he had such great taste in movies- namely one Rollerball. Frankly, I always thought he was gay and that Katie was a beard (at least she doesn't change her spots when she changes gays...ummm... I mean guys). Seeing him in Rollerball confirmed it. I bet that movie made the stock in Spandex drop 40 points. Did it have a plot or was it just Chris "I'm an uber-heterosexual" Klein in tight shorts bending over other guys?


Blogger Emptyman said...

The Sound of Music -- the only movie I can think of which makes one root for the Nazis.

Five Easy Pieces -- am I the only one who noticed that nothing actually happens in this film? Nicholson doesn't even get his toast in the diner.

King Kong (1976 version)-- I think the original of this film is great, which is why I single the Jessica Lang remake out from all of the many Dino DeLaurentis abominations.

1:51 PM  
Blogger Neal Synephrine said...

It's Leia, not Leah. And you're just jealous that you don't look that good in a gold bikini.

4:17 PM  
Blogger The Raving Badger said...

Neal- You would know the spelling. Does this mean you fall into the category of sexually repressed/inadequate nerds?

Emptyman- Watch it. One of my good Austrian relatives played a Nazi in that film before he competed in the Winter Olympics in the downhill.

4:30 PM  
Blogger Psychomotor Agitator said...

Batman Begins was a great movie and by far the best of the series. If you haven't watched it, you should; if you have watched it, watch it again.

Next, Some Kind of Monster was absolutely incredible. From a music standpoint, it was cool watching how their songs were created. Metallica is our generation's Led Zep/Beatles. Also, feelings aren't always bad--especially if they're channeled into a great album . . . such as St. Anger.

Finally, as a general rule, any and all movies with Jennifer Lopez automatically qualify for the "Sucks Balls Hall of Fame".

8:25 PM  
Blogger Neal Synephrine said...

And here's a link to Princess Leia in all her glory:

3:42 PM  

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